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All I can see now is hurt and regret. Like the lines in my skin are bleeding the feelings I’ve pushed down and locked up for all this time.
It’s stupid.
It was my first love, that’s all.
It was a trauma that I survived and made me stronger.
It shouldn’t hit me so hard after so long. I’m stronger for going through it.
But my words dissolve in front of my eyes as tears pool and slip down my cheeks.
I dash them away and turn the shower on, twisting the dial-up on the heat. Freshen up, warm up, and get out of Tregethworth for a few hours.
An hour later, I pull into the gate of Tegan’s farm. I park in the yard that connects the old farmhouse to the stables and other outbuildings. It’s neat and tidy and looks homely in a way I’d never be able to appreciate.
She comes out of the house and walks towards me. “Hey, you.”
“Hey.” I slam the door to Mum’s old car and head towards Tegan.
“This is an unexpected pleasure. Did you want to come in for a drink, or shall I give you a tour of the farm?”
“Um, you can show me around.” I look about, wondering what else there is to see.
“Okay, but you’ll need to change out of those boots first. I have some you can borrow. Come on.” I look down at my leather ankle boots. They are perfectly practical, I mean, nothing like the heels I’d choose if I were in the office.
I follow her to the backdoor of the farmhouse and see it’s more like a mudroom. A rack of boots and wellingtons line the wall, with a coatrack and sink in the corner. She hands me a pair of green Hunter boots.
“A five, right?”
I nod and make the switch.
“Come on then. Nat is out riding. She’ll be pleased to see her Auntie Zennor.” A pang of guilt hits. I can’t remember how old Natalie is, and the handful of times I have met her is because they’ve all visited me in London.
In escaping Tregethworth and putting all my focus into being a success, I’ve alienated my family. Keeping them at arms-length for years.
Tegan seems to sense that I’m not ready for chitchat and simply wanders next to me. We walk across the yard and through a gate that leads out into the fields. Cows graze peacefully, and we navigate around the first field and around to another gate.
A chestnut horse trots up to us with a smiling girl atop. “Mum!” she calls, and Tegan waves enthusiastically.
It takes me a moment to process this grown-up child as little Natalie. “How old is Natalie?” I whisper to Tegan.
“Twelve, although she’s tall for her age. She gets that from her father.” There’s no judgement in her tone that I don’t know the age of my only niece.
“Don’t be out too long. We’ll do a tour and meet you back in the kitchen,” Tegan tells Natalie.
“Sure. Nice to see you, Auntie Zennor.” Before guiding her horse in the opposite direction, she waves to me, then trots off.
“She’s okay to be out riding the fields on her own?” I ask, looking around at the wide-open spaces around us.
“She loves her horse, and he’s good-natured. And there’s nothing but our own land around here. She’s safe.” Tegan smiles before heading through the next field.
We seem to be walking with no real purpose or destination, but I’m happy to be left to enjoy the scenery. Lush, green, and wild, a combination that I associate with Cornwall above all else but have forgotten over my years away.
As we walk through another field of animals, Tegan pauses at the crest of the hill, and we look out over the sprawling fields to the expanse of land that meets the sea. It’s a beautiful vista, and I can’t help but take a deep breath in appreciation.
The watery sun casts its glow over the ocean, and it instantly warms a part of my soul I needed to feel again.
“It’s beautiful up here. Isolated and wild, but it sings to me,” Tegan starts. “This is where I thought you could expand your little venture. You know, if you want to,” she adds.
