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I watch as Chris and his dad both pick at their food, taking the occasional bite. They’re both so sad and I wish there was something I could say or do that could help ease their pain, but there’s not. They have to just grieve at their own speed.
While the three of them eat or pretend to eat, I unpack the groceries I bought and put them in the refrigerator. “What’s all that?” Robert asks from behind me.
“I-I just got you some bread, lunchmeat, cheese, and condiments for sandwiches.” I shrug. “You’re not going to want to cook, but you need to eat.” My face heats up and tears well up in my eyes because a single tear slides down his cheek.
I wrap my arms around him, hugging him tight as he begins to cry. I close my eyes and just let him get it out. A hand touches my shoulder and I find Chris standing there. “Dad?”
Robert turns to his son, who pulls him into a hug. Joe wraps his arm around my shoulders while we watch father and son hold on tight to each other. Chris mouths that he’ll be right back. He leads his father out of the room.
“I didn’t mean to make him cry,” I say quietly.
Joe kisses my forehead and hugs me to his side. “You didn’t. He’s just very raw right now. The food was delicious, by the way.”
I smile up at him. “Thanks. How’s Chloe feeling?”
“She’s ready to have the baby. I’m ready for him to get here, but I’m scared to death.”
It’s so weird to see my big strong brother look so insecure. “You’re going to be a great father. Look at the role model you have. Your little boy is going to be one lucky kid.” I hug him tight.
Chris comes out a few minutes later. His eyes are red-rimmed and bloodshot. I don’t hesitate to pull away from Joe and go right to Chris, wrapping my arms around him.
He sighs and then rests his cheek on top of my head. We stay like this until my brother clears his throat, causing Chris and I to step back from each other. Joe looks between us with a curious look on his face.
I grab my purse. “I’m going to go. I’ll see you Wednesday,” I tell them before heading to the door.
Stepping outside, I take a deep breath, proud that I kept it semi together. I’ll have a fresh cry when I get home and then head downstairs to have a couple of drinks with Lance and his friends.
Chris stops me as I reach my door handle. “I wanted to thank you again for the food. That was really thoughtful. It’ll be nice not to worry about cooking for ourselves.” He leans down, kissing my cheek before he disappears back into the house.
The whole drive home I can still feel my cheek tingling from his kiss…weird.
Chris
I stare blindly at the casket in front of me as the pastor from my grandparents’ church talks about well…I’m not really even listening. The funeral home did a wonderful job and she looked healthy, beautiful, and like she was sleeping.
My dad, understandably so, lost it and openly wept. I worry about him, and how he’s going to handle being without her. Hell, what am I going to do without her? I have no clue, but I miss her terribly already. My dreams are plagued with visions of her slipping away from me.
Last night I dreamt that it wasn’t my mom slipping away from me, but Haddie Carmichael. She’s willowy as it is, and watching her become skeletal caused me to wake up with a start. I wasn’t sure why she was on my mind, but she’s my best friend’s baby sister, and she needed to get out before I got myself into trouble.
At the end of the service, the pallbearers, Joe, his brother Parker, their dad, and a couple of my cousins get Mom’s casket on the cart or whatever it is called. My dad and I follow behind them right out of the church.
We climb into the limousine along with my mom’s brother, Charles. My maternal grandparents died when I was still a kid. My dad’s dad is the only one left of his side, and he climbs in, sitting beside his brother-in-law.
I watch the passing scenery as we make our way toward the cemetery. I don’t know how my dad’s going to survive this. I practically had to get him dressed today. He’s not sleeping, but granted it’s only been four days since she passed.
When we reach the burial site we all get out and slowly make our way to the black awning and take our seats in the front row. My stomach pitches as I stare at the hole that’s right in front of me.
The graveside service goes quickly and I keep it together until my dad goes up to the casket with a red rose. He bends down and kisses the wood. “I’ll love you forever, my beautiful Madison.” Dad steps back slowly and I can tell it’s killing him to do so.
I get up and walk right past Dad, kissing the coffin as well. “I love you, Mom. Thank you for giving me so much love.”
I look at all of the people who came, and the one person who comes into focus is Haddie, who is standing with her sister, Abby. Her eyes are red, like she’s been crying or is about to. There’s an invisible pull that’s telling me to go to her, to comfort her, but I see Joe watching me, watching her.
I give him a chin lift and walk toward my dad, then lead him off to the side. We watch everyone stop and touch my mom’s coffin, saying their own goodbyes. My uncle leads my dad to the limo and I stand right where I’m at and watch them lower her into the ground.
My heart beats a mad, angry rhythm in my chest and all I want to do is tilt my head back and scream bloody murder. I close my eyes and will the feeling to go away, but it doesn’t—not until a soft, slender hand grabs hold of mine.
“It doesn’t seem like it now, but things will get better.” Her voice is soft and melodic, soothing the anger that wants to escape.
