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All I can think about is wanting to cleanse myself of him. I turn on the guest shower as hot as it will go. It’s steaming the mirrors as I stare at my reflection.
I told you. I told you not to get involved. I told you if you let yourself fall and let him in too close, you would get hurt. Now, look at you. You’re hurt. You’re spending all week missing him and wanting him to come home, and he’s out there with some other girl.
The tears start pouring down my cheeks, and I can feel my heart breaking into a thousand pieces, like a piece of china being thrown on the floor.
How am I so stupid to think he liked me? To think everything we’ve been doing together was not just for show or to follow the terms of the contract?I think and slip into the shower.
The boiling hot water feels fantastic on my crushed heart. I stay under the stream for as long as possible, turning the temperature up until I can’t take anymore.
Once the water runs cold, I get out, dry off and walk to the bedroom. I don’t even bother putting on pajamas. My nightgowns are all in the washer, and the thought of wearing something he’s taken off me is too much to handle right now. So, I climb under the covers wrapped in my towel.
I spend all night staring at the ceiling, remembering the contract. I reflect on the terms and picture our divorce. In a year, the only proof we’ll have will be the contract itself. Just the way he wants it to be.
28
AMBER
The sun rises as I lie in bed, staring at the ceiling. My eyes burn from tears and lack of sleep, but I’m thrilled it’s finally the next day. I hate lying in bed in the dark when I’m sad, and it’s even worse now that I’m used to sleeping next to Kaden.
It proves impossible to sleep by myself now, and it breaks my heart all over again to think that I will have to retrain myself to sleep alone.
The picture keeps flashing in my mind, and I can’t stop seeing it every time I blink. I can’t get over seeing another woman so close to him when he’s married to me.
Even if he’s pretending, if that picture circulates, he will make me look stupid. Everyone’s going to pity me, and I don’t want it. Especially when it’s not my fault, and I’m already breaking inside.
The more I think of losing him, the more my heart tells me how much it doesn’t want to. I decide to try and think of the positive things. That is, if there are any…
The photo isn’t too incriminating. They’re not kissing or naked. But her hand is on his arm, and he’s leaning close to her in what looks like a bar…
I shake my head, giving up on solving the unsolvable mystery. I can spin stories to explain the picture, both good and bad, all day. I still won’t know the truth.
God, why can’t I erase this from my vision? Amber, move on. What’s done is done. Let it go,I try telling myself, but I can’t help feeling terrible thinking about what he’s out doing while he’s away. I feel so hollow, and the vitality is draining from me.
I can’t go to work. I can’t see his grandfather. If he asks how I’m doing, I will lose it. I can’t change what happens when the picture gets out because I need to keep up my end of our deal. I still deserve the money he owes me. Especially after he’s putting me through all of this.
I grab my phone off the nightstand and start a group text with the chairman and another co-worker, Melanie.
Sorry. I woke up not feeling well. I hate to pass it around the office, so I’m staying in bed today.
Almost instantly, the Chairman responds.Are you doing okay? It must be serious!
Yes, I’m okay! It’s not serious. It’s probably just a cold. But I don’t want to pass it along,I send back.
Melanie messages next.Are you sure you’re okay? You never call in sick…
It feels good to know they care enough about me to worry. I can’t help wondering if that’ll change, too, once the secrets are out. But in the meantime, I assure them I’ll be fine in a day or two.
Suddenly, my phone starts to ring. Kaden’s face pops up, requesting to video chat.
Part of me is angry.Oh, are you calling to tell me about your date with the hot blonde? Thanks, but you’re too late. Or are you calling to pretend some more?
But the other part of me is confused. Angry as I am, I still want to answer it. Finally, I decide to just shut my phone off. That way, I don’t have to keep seeing his face and wondering what he wants. I throw my phone on the other side of the bed and flip on the TV.
Hours go by as I lie in the same spot, watching endless reruns of shows I typically would care nothing about. The only interruption comes when the doorbell rings.
Who the hell is showing up in the middle of the workday?I wonder as I climb out of my blankets and walk to the door. I open it slowly until I see Melanie carrying a big bag of takeout.
“What are you doing here, Melanie?” I ask, helping her inside. We set the bag on the bar, and she sorts the contents out.
