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“Yes, yes, sorry,” I say, clearing my throat. “That’s, that’s interesting. Like you said, doctor, this wasn’t expected.”
He nods, then goes to the desk in the room to pick up some pamphlets. He places them on my lap, one about abortion, another about being a single mother.
“You are about ten weeks along, Amber. You have many options at this point if a baby isn’t what you want right now. Please get back to me if you have any questions.”
I nod, still somewhat in a daze, and leave the office with my pamphlets. I squish them into my purse so Sarah, or any other nosy coworkers, can not see what I have been up to.
I go back to work after picking up a quick bagel for lunch. I try to distract myself. There is always enough to do. I am not quite sure what I am feeling, as everything is blending into one, ugly medley of emotions.
The first feeling is, of course, confusion. Every time we make love, Kaden uses protection. It is important to both of us, especially during the initial part of our dalliance. Neither of us was eager to complicate things with the possibility of a child.
So did one break without us knowing? How did we end up here?
I am at the copier again when it hits me. The image of the bright purple lilies, their beauty contrasting with the lazy way they had been tossed to the floor. That was the day he had come back early from his trip. And we’d make love on the couch before heading into bed for another round.
“Fuck,” I mutter to myself.
Okay, so we weren’t so careful that time. But what now? Is Kaden going to be okay with us having a baby together? Am I okay with us having a baby together?
Another wave of nausea hits me, and I make my way to the bathroom promptly, trying not to look like I am rushing. I sit by the toilet, waiting for the acid to rise up and inevitably spill.
The discomfort in my gut is from more than just the nausea. I am worried about how I am going to tell Kaden about this. Things have been going swimmingly. Do we really need to throw a child into the middle of our bliss?
The vomit doesn’t come, so I put the toilet seat down and sit for a second. I can feel my heart racing with anxiety, but under there, I also detect the smallest bit of joy. A joy from the possibility of being a mother, of raising a child with Kaden. It fills me once again with those bold and beautiful butterflies.
I breathe in deeply, trying to let the feeling of joy override the feeling of fear. I have no idea how Kaden is going to react, but what is wrong with being even a little bit hopeful?
I leave the bathroom and return to work as normal. Kaden visits me after his meeting. He has been spending a lot of time in our offices lately, and the rumor is that his grandfather is preparing to hand over the business to his heir soon. Rust, so far, has been unwilling to confirm that, even to Kaden, but I think everyone can sense it coming.
He plants a kiss on my cheek before scanning me with his icy blues. I sometimes call him a human lie detector, because with one look, he can instantly tell when something is wrong.
“Are you okay, darling?” he says, taking me by the wrist.
I am sitting at the reception desk, trying to focus on the computer in front of me. I really don’t want to tell him here. I really don’t know, at this moment, if I can tell him at all.
I pull my arm away from him, motioning toward Sarah, who walks back with a tap of her heels. A flash of hurt moves across his face, which I instantly regret causing.
“Just tired, honey,” I reply. “You should get back to work, don’t linger.”
He smiles at me and gives me a quick wink. It makes me somehow both melt and increase the turmoil surging through my gut and heart. What do I do now?
32
KADEN
Amber likes to call me a human lie detector. I initially thought that was a compliment, but now I am starting to think that it isn’t anything but a character flaw. Sometimes lie detectors are wrong, especially when a practiced person is strapped to one.
It had started on the day after a big meeting, when I was beaming from the success of it all. I paid a visit to her like I often do and found her staring blankly into the computer screen.
I do think it is important to not be a person who over-analyzes their partners, who fixates on every micro-expression and slightly irregular behavior. I have been with women who were irritated by my sense of perception.
Sometimes, a feeling is perfectly innocent and something you want to keep to yourself. I understand how that is only fair and human, how everyone sometimes needs space. So I have learned to temper my intuition, keeping most revelations and suppositions to myself.
But I have grown rather fond of Amber. Even within this set up that we have, I have found myself looking forward to seeing her, even if it is merely for a split second. It is hard not to worry about her, even if I suspect it could be unwelcome.
That was when it all started, this extra layer of coldness. Withdrawal happens in relationships slowly, or at least, in my experience. It’s often subtle, something people don’t necessarily notice until it has advanced beyond repair.
When we sit at dinner, I try to engage her about her day.
