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She must come with me, of course. It will reflect better on me and the company. More than that, I just want her there.
But does she want to be there? Is she tired of being thought of as ‘good optics’? My heart aches to think about how much she might be detesting all of this.
33
AMBER
“Goddamn it!”
The office feels stifling. For what must be the eightieth time, I pull at my collar, loosening my shirt as much as I can to allow my damp skin some air. It doesn’t help.
I breathe in deeply, trying to fight the nausea that seems to eternally be present since I found out a few days ago that inside of me a baby is now growing. Kaden’s baby.
Ourbaby.
Just those words, turning over and over in my mind, sets me on edge. I’m angry and tearful and scared all at once. This isn’t like me. I’m strong – I don’t crumble like this.
It’s no use, though. No matter how much I remind myself of that, I can’t seem to find the strength I know I’m hiding somewhere. In this case, it just will not appear.
Whatever I do, nothing is going to change the fact that he is going to need to know. And when he does, I have every expectation that he is going to freak the hell out. And that will seal the final nail into this obviously doomed fake marriage.
The truth is, I wouldn’t blame him. It’s not what he signed up for. What either of us signed up for. But then again, neither was anything else that’s happened between us since we decided to go ahead with this crazy plan.
I should’ve known better, and I’m angry at myself for letting it get this far. There’s a weird mix of guilt and regret now when I reflect on the feelings that I have and the times we’ve spent cementing them together. Each kiss, each thrust, each tender caress. All of it building up into something real and strong.
And now a baby.
I can feel the eyes of my co-workers on me as I go about my day. They’re just not used to seeing me like this — on edge, irritable, tears pricking at the corners of my eyes.
Get a grip, Amber.
“You sure you’re okay? You know, if you’re not feeling great it might be best if you take off for the day.” The voice of one of the administrators grates at my already-fried nerves.
“I’m fine!” I snap, surprising even myself with my tone.
Grace looks back at me as if she’s just been slapped. Instantly, I feel a sharp pang of guilt stinging my chest.
“Well, okay then,” she says, widening her eyes and turning away from me.
The guilt grows in me until I can’t stand it anymore. I get up from my desk and make my way hastily to the bathroom. I hardly recognize myself in the mirror as I splash my face with some water and then lock myself in a stall.
Pulling the seat cover down so that I can sit in privacy, I finally let out a river of hot tears for probably the third time in as many days. I can’t go on like this. Something has to give.
How can this be happening to me?
The fear that he is going to blame me for not being careful enough during the times we spent in our bed is what’s eating at me the most. I’ve already pictured the look of pure horror on his face as I tell him about the baby.
It’s hard enough that I’ve fallen in love with the man I married as part of a contract. Now I am carrying his baby as well. Despite everything, I had hoped maybe the future for us might look a little different to what we originally intended. Now I have no idea what will happen and how I will cope when he finally leaves.
Because he will leave – I canfeelit.
Falling in love was not part of the plan. A baby was certainly not part of the plan. And Kaden is a man who likes his plans to run smoothly. It’s part of what draws me to him.
I decide that maybe Grace is right. Instead of staying late as I usually do, I finish up what I need to get done and leave the office on time for a change. Now people will definitely know something is wrong.
I take a shower as soon as I get home, desperate to feel clean and fresh again, even if on the inside I feel anything but. Eventually, Kaden arrives home, and I try my best to act as if everything is okay. It turns out I’m a terrible actress.
When we sit down to dinner, the silence is deafening. I can sense he wants to say something, maybe ask what is going on with me. It must be obvious that something is wrong, but he keeps any questions to himself.
