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Where looking at her didn’t make me hate her.
Chapter Nineteen
—Julian—
Then
I sat in my car with a bottle of TX Straight Bourbon Whiskey in my grasp, staring at a house that held one big, happy family. For the last three hours, my car was parked behind a huge oak tree. No one could see me, not that anyone was looking. I chugged my bottle, drinking away the uncertainty of what I was going through. I didn’t think I had it in me, but there I was…
Sitting.
Waiting.
Fucking numb.
I’d only just searched for her in the last month, never imagining I’d actually find her.
Them.
Their toys were scattered all through the yard, there was even a fucking basketball hoop in the driveway. A white picket fence circled their home with a bright red door. This house was straight out of a Home and Gardens magazine. The grass was perfectly cut, flowers and plants accentuated the property flawlessly. There was a white swing on the porch with pillows and a blanket. This house was everything you would want to raise a family in.
When an Audi SUV pulled into the driveway, the next thing I knew, I was getting out of my car, watching as they exited their vehicle too. The woman stepped out last, heading straight toward the back-passenger seats where she opened the door to reveal a car seat. She unstrapped a baby and pulled it into her arms as two other kids flew out and hauled ass toward their father, who was walking out the front door.
A boy.
Two girls.
Three children.
Happy.
Laughing.
Loved.
I was powerless, unable to stop myself from witnessing the reality of a family I wasn’t good enough for. I couldn’t help but notice that the man was an older version of me. He was sporting a beard with gray hair intermixed, and it was also around the temples of his head. Though, it was his piercing blue eyes that caught my attention the most—they mirrored my own. It was almost like I was looking into a mirror of what my appearance would be in thirty years.
I didn’t expect to see him or meet him. I was only prepared for her. After all these years, I always assumed she was the one who gave me up. Now to learn that it was both of them triggered feelings I didn’t know I felt until that very moment.
Sadness.
Confusion.
Abandonment.
The emotions were endless, piling up one right after the other.
Taking a deep, reassuring breath, I inhaled through my nose and exhaled out of my mouth, trying to shake off the bullshit they evoked. From then on everything sort of played out in slow motion.
The man greeted, “Hey, honey,” kissing her on the lips.
She responded, “Hey,” smiling lovingly at him. “Can you help me with this little guy?”
He smiled and grabbed their son from her arms, throwing him up in the air, making the baby squeal in delight. I felt as if my body was giving out on me—the emotions were ruthlessly taking ahold of me.
Why didn’t they want me? What was wrong with me? Why was I so easy to give up? Why not them?
Maybe they were too young and thought I’d ruin their future. We might have looked the same, but I would never abandon my kid to the fucking system of all places.
