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I take my arm out from underneath her head and lie her on the ground gently. I stand up and walk out from underneath our shelter to the river, looking at the sunbeams coming down through the trees as I meander.
I sit by the river and look out at the passing water. I think of what happened between Dana and me last night, and conflicting emotions stir within me. I feel sentimental; a part of me knows it was so special. The primal part of me wants to have her again because of the feelings it brought up in me that I haven’t known for many years. The most substantial part of me, however, feels stupid.
I’ve never believed in curses, but I know I would have one if I did. What kind of sick game is the Divine playing by killing the first woman I love? How twisted is it that one of my own clan members killed her? Who it was or the reason why is something I may never know, making her death all the more difficult to grieve.
I’ve always thought that if I could have been there that night if I was in a different clan, if I hadn’t made an enemy somehow, would she be here? I can barely live my life thinking of Flora every day; how would I go on if the same happened to Dana? I’m not sure I would be able to handle it.
I stand up and look across the river. I see a deer walking through the woods nibbling on the morning grass alone. I decide to put my woes aside so we can eat. The sooner we get back home, the better. I’ll never cross Dana’s path again after we return.
I get my bow and arrow from the camp, looking at Dana sleeping comfortably while I pick it up. I sigh and try not to think about how beautiful she looks in the morning sun. Turning around, I walk back to the river and crouch behind a bush as I aim my arrow at the deer.
I exhale, focusing as I close one eye while looking through the crosshairs. Holding my breath, I draw the bow and prepare to release it. Right before I do, I hear Flora’s voice in my mind, the last words she said to me. We were saying goodbye after spending a night together. She called out to me as I was leaving and asked: “How could I ever live without you?”
Hearing her voice in my head makes me miss the shot. The arrow shoots into a tree trunk, and the deer gallops away. I hang my head and pound my fist into the ground before sitting behind the bush and looking at the sky.
“I’m so sorry,” I say with tears in my eyes. “If I could have done something, I would have. You must know I would have, and Dana….” I pause, shaking my head. “I want you to know that because I have feelings for her does not mean you’ll be replaced. I keep trying to stop the thoughts and feelings, but I can’t. I’m so sorry, but I can’t.” I pause again and look at the ground. “Flora, the Divine, whoever is listening, please, don’t let Dana get hurt because of me. Please, it can’t happen again.”
I feel tears slide down my cheeks, a surprising phenomenon. I’ve only cried four times in my life; the last time was when Flora passed. I don’t know why I have these emotions and can’t control them. I’m all over the place, and it’s hard to focus when my heart is tearing in two directions.
I look at the sky again and exhale, trying to control myself. I listen to the birds and bugs around me, making noises like nature is trying to tell me something. The wind breezes past my ears lightly, and I try to focus on the feeling of it on my face.
Within a few minutes, I’m collected and shut off that part of myself again. I stand up and look across the river at the arrow in the tree trunk. I’m making a decision right now; Dana and I have to go our separate ways soon. She might not understand now, but it’s for her own good.
I cross the river and grab my arrow, following the deer tracks until I find it again. I crouch behind a tree trunk and pull my bow back, this time taking one more moment to ensure my head is clear before shooting. I hit it in the heart dead on, and it collapses immediately.
Standing, I remember who I am and where my expertise lies. This is the set of skills I was blessed with, and this is what I will focus on for the rest of my life. I will hone my survival skills and continue to teach others how.I will live in solitude,I think as I walk over to the deer and begin to skin it with a sharp rock from the ground next to it.
I will pass on my legacy through my teachings, and the clan will remember me for that. I don’t need a family or a partner to ensure my life has purpose or meaning. Staying alive is all the meaning I need.
As I recite the mantras in my mind, I realize the deer is finally skinned. I glance at the sky and realize I’ve been out here too long. I need to get back to our camp, and we need to get moving. I carry the meat and fat of the deer back to our campsite and hope Dana hasn’t woken yet.
I set the meat down near our firepit I made late last night, and begin lighting the kindling. It catches fire, and the sound of the crackling wakes her up. She stretches and looks at me with a broad smile as she wakes.
“Well, look at you, up so early,” she remarks cheerfully.
“We needed food,” I respond with a sigh.
I don’t make eye contact with her. I can’t. She’ll know something is wrong, and I can’t waste emotional energy speaking about this. It’s better to remain calm and quiet as I prepare our food.
“What’s that you have there?” she asks, pointing to the meat.
“Get ready to move,” I command as I cook the venison.
“What?” she chuckles awkwardly.
I look at her firmly. “Get ready to move. We’re going to eat this while we walk. We have to cover a lot of ground today.”
She furrows her brows and looks at me with disappointment and sadness. Guilt strikes me, but I can’t let my emotions win again. I look back at the venison and cook it as I see her get up from the bed in my peripheral.
Once the meat is cooked, we’re on our way. I walk in front of her but stop to ensure she’s behind me because I know she’s slower than I am. I don’t make eye contact; I just turn enough to see her movement.
“Where are we going?” she calls out from behind me.
“We need to move faster,” I claim as I pick up my pace.
“You’re too fast already!” she complains.
“Do you want me to carry you the rest of the way?” I ask, knowing physical closeness with her is the last thing I need right now, but if it gets us home faster, it’s worth it.
