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“No,” she snaps as she looks at me with anger. “I can do it. I just need you to slow your pace a little bit.”
“I can’t,” I respond coldly. “We have to make good time today.”
I continue walking and hear her scoff behind me. I can tell she’s upset and has every right to be. She probably thinks I’m toying with her heart, the last thing I want to do. What she doesn’t know is that if I didn’t have any feelings for her, I would have given in by now. We would be making up our silly fairy tales and laughing about inside jokes.
She also doesn’t know that our laughter and stories could kill her. They could take her life from this world, and it would be because of my selfish nature. She would watch over me from above and blame me forever.
I continue walking and hear her trip behind me. I turn around and look at her as she helps herself up using a nearby tree. I almost rush to her side, like an instinctual movement, but she shoots me a glare before I can. I turn around and continue walking, feeling my heart sink.
She must think I’m selfish as it is. She probably thinks I used her for sex and that I’m a cold and calculated orc with no genuine emotions toward her. I only know her death would cause her more pain than thinking I’m a complete asshole. Still, I can’t help but wonder if I’m doing the right thing by avoiding her.
20
DANA
Iwalk behind him, seething more with each step I take, seething partially because I don’t understand what happened to him. I even questioned if last night was a dream, something he wasn’t present for because he’s acting so cold.
The other part of me is annoyed because he’s back to his old Hurian ways, not talking much, cutting me off, and taking charge. I feel like I’ve lost a significant amount of respect from him, and all I had to do was give him the most vulnerable side of myself.
“Are you sure you know where we’re going?” I ask.
He turns around slightly but avoids looking at me fully. I would be lying if I said there isn’t a sick part of me that wants to start a fight so that I can get a reaction out of him. It seemed to work last night; why not today, too?
When I think of last night, I think of magic. I know that sounds corny, but I haven’t ever felt connected to anyone like that. It wasn’t just sex; Ifelthim, and his spirit connected with mine. I know, at times, I can be a bit scatterbrained, but there’s no way I’m making this up.
I know he felt it, too. I could see it in his eyes. He was fully present, and how gentle he was with me makes me sure it wasn’t just a physical act for him. Then again, I can’t ever know someone else’s true intentions, so maybe I’m wrong.
I can’t be wrong! There’s no way; Ithink as I watch him walk in front of me. All the times he’s saved me, how he opened up to me last night, even him saying that the notion of us was never stupid, that’s not something that you speak to another being when you don’t care about them.
While he’s a cold and calculated orc in this neglectful state, I never thought he would be malicious. I genuinely don’t believe he has it in him to manipulate a woman for sex. If that were the case, he would have taken advantage of me much earlier.
I replay every moment of last night and wonder if I did something wrong. Was I not attractive naked? Did I say something that made him feel pressured into having sex with me? Did my speech about love sound too clingy?
Or could it have been that we cuddled afterward? Maybe that was too much emotion for him. Should I have played hard to get? The bargaining questions race in my head non-stop, and I realize I must stop looking at him walking ahead of me. Seeing him only makes this worse.
I’m not just sad and bargaining. I’m angry; I feel used and thrown out to dry. I feel like I was just the only option available for him while we were out here, and now he’s trying to get back to the compound to take advantage of someone else who’sactuallyhis type.
Maybe he thinks I’m stupid and would fall for his tricks easily. Unfortunately, if that’s the case, he’s right; I did. I continue demonizing him in my head; I don’t know how else to let my anger out.
“I think we should probably go West,” I comment. “I think I hear more….”
“We continue North.” He cuts me off.
I scoff and shake my head. Part of me wants to run away from him, and I don’t know how long I can be with him before I bite his head off. I knew men were dull, but I didn’t think an asshole could change into a kind man and then back again overnight.
I try to shut myself down. I have to assume he doesn’t feel the same way; it does no good to hold onto hope that seemingly shouldn’t exist. I need to forget how deeply I felt for him; it will only hurt more to keep deluding myself by thinking he felt the same way about me.
I decide not to speak and instead think of plans for when we return to the compound. I have to believe we will because I can’t stand to think about being out here with him for the rest of my life.
Maybe I’ll start planting again, grow my own garden and sell herbs to the locals. I could open my own shop. Now that my life has been at risk numerous times, I figure I should take another chance and make my life what I’ve always wanted it to be.
I envision a cute shop in the compound square. Fresh herbs will be picked daily, and they’ll be organized according to their uses. Now that I’ve learned how to make an ointment out here, I can sell that, too. Visits to the doctor in the compound will lessen, and other residents will start saving money.
I might try to get a hut closer to the woods if I make enough money. That way, I would own property, and my garden could be in my backyard. I begin planning it more in my head, ironing out prices and trying to add up what I would have to sell yearly to make a living.
“Let’s move faster.”
Hurian’s voice breaks my concentration, the last thing I want to hear. Whenever he talks, I think about how gentle his tone was last night. I wonder which one of these personalities is the real Hurian, and I decide it’s a waste of energy to try to figure it out.
