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That's the end of the BK everyone has grown to hate. I couldn't have gotten to this point without Carter's betrayal. Her taking the Ovis reshoots lit a fire under my ass to do the things I truly want to. This is why I am standing in my studio, staring at a couple grand worth of infant posing accessories, and a fuckton of mini hats and crazy soft blankets.
Babies. That's where my future lies. Instead of ruining lives, I will be capturing the purest souls taking their first breaths in the world. I can't mess them up, I can't break their spirits or drive them to seek therapy. All we will have is our moments together and then they will go back to their mothers and continue to grow into the amazing little people they are destined to be.
Melanie is a friend of a friend of a friend, way up the friend food chain. Believe it or not, leaving my agent and job has opened me up to more networking in the area. I have been meeting up with other influential business owners who are local and it has led to making actual friends. For once, Ella isn't the only one I can call when I get stuck. Mel works at the hospital in the emergency room currently but has connections to the NICU. One great thing about my reputation is that it didn't spread outside of our industry. The current NICU director has never even heard of me and luckily enough, they don't have a contract with any photographers yet.
I am offering my services for free in the hopes they will help me build my client base as the babies move out of the hospital. I know that I can turn over a new leaf with these parents. Not new, but improved, Brett feels like the man I have wanted to be my whole life. There's only one thing missing.
Carter.
From what I have seen on her Instagram, she is working consistently with Ovis, and fuck if I'm not proud as hell. We worked together for a short time, but she made a lasting impression that was enough to get Nora to hire her as their principal photographer. For every issue she has a spread in I buy at least three copies as a weird way to support her.
The last month has been busy enough with my new business venture that it hasn't hurt as much as I expected. Every time I see her face scroll by on my phone, I smile back, her selfie game on point and pictures of herself becoming a staple in her posts. I'm thankful for it since that is keeping me from going crazy. I'm barely holding on.
My thumb hovers over her name in my contact list at least seven times a day. I said shit I didn't mean in a way that wasn't okay and she took it all at face value. I have been told to fuck off more times than I can count, but hearing it from her was like a kick in the balls by a sumo wrestler.
I need her to know it was a mistake, that I didn't mean any of the stupid shit I said. That I am so happy for her that she got the career she always dreamed of. Part of me thought we shared the same dream, that one of us couldn't have it if the other did. Yet now I see that we both are exactly where we needed to be all along. Except she needs to be here with me to witness all the good things in store for our future.
The light fabric brushes up my arms as I pull it on. My dark hair is flying free without my signature black beanie keeping it contained and I feel like I should be on a beach somewhere. That reminds me, I need to shoot a message to Ella and see how her island vacation is going. She didn't want to pay for international calling but said she can text over WiFi. The buttons push through the tropical fabric and I feel ridiculous, but this is my chance to get her back. And it might be my only one.
She might not forgive me for waiting so long to apologize but I have to try. I am finally in the right headspace to make this move, to admit my wrongs and all but beg her to give me another chance. Alright, begging might be on the table.
Selfies are not my strong suit, I can never get my thumb to bend the right way for the angle to match what I envision. It's not perfect but it will have to do. I take a few images, deciding on the one that looks the least goofy, and add it to my Instagram stories. I can only hope she has been watching my profile like I have been watching hers and she sees it. Now all that's left to do is wait.
Whenyouhaveeverythingyou thought you wanted it's supposed to feel amazing right? No doubt I am obsessed with my job and the incredible people I get to collaborate with daily. But there are still moments that I look for his black beanie on set, searching for his presence that I won't find. I have been on set more times without him than with him at this point, yet it still feels like he is missing.
It's like he is a scent you can't get out of your sheets no matter how hard you try. You wash and wash, trying to forget and get rid of it, but it's dug itself into the fabric for good. Sometimes I think I see him standing in the crowd of crew members as I direct models through their poses. It's borderline creepy as if he is the ghost of past photographers here to haunt me.
I am the creepy one, though, checking his Instagram more times a day than any normal person should. He deleted a lot of his content, only leaving a few tasteful images of himself and one with his sister Ella. I couldn't help but notice he has changed his whole brand,newborn photographeris now listed under his username. He made his dream come true and part of me regrets not being there to witness it manifest itself into the world.
Sometimes to reach your dream, you have to let another one go for a little while. Brett was a dream I didn't know I had. Being with him reminded me of the ways I could care, or dare I even say love, another person. I thought I could only love photography this much, that making room in my heart for something else would take away from how much my job meant to me.
What they don't tell you is that your heart grows when you add something to it. Love isn't finite, there isn't a limit to how much you can give or receive. Your heart will grow and grow, accommodating every piece that makes up who you are. Even after what happened with BK, the section of my heart that decided it was for him never went away. It kept getting bigger and bigger with each passing day. My mom used to say that distance makes the heart grow fonder and my heart is missing him terribly.
The things he said hurt, but part of me knows that he was speaking out of pain, my betrayal the leading cause of his hurt. I can't help but notice that without his Ovis contract, he is making things happen in the realm of what he always wanted to be doing anyways. Somehow our fight pushed us both into what we craved and now, all that I have left for cravings are him.
I have wanted to reach out and apologize more times than I can count, but I have never made the jump to admit I overreacted. Admitting fault is not my favorite. Go figure.
I'm not on set today so I am meeting Rory for lunch at Orion. I scroll aimlessly on Instagram like I do most moments I have to myself.
Swipe…
A video of a dog and a baby cuddling.
Swipe…
A picture of Ella on a beach somewhere. Double tap.
Swipe…
A photo of Brett in a Hawaiian shirt with a sad face…
There's no caption on it, just a palm tree emoji. I click on his profile hoping to find some context to go with his most recent post. The ring around his profile picture is lit up meaning he has recent stories. My curiosity brings me into it, and another picture of him in the Hawaiian shirt pops up. The text starts appearing and my eyes are glued to the screen.
You once bet me to wear a Hawaiian shirt to work to show that I can be happy…
Now the only thing left to make me happy is you…
Carter, will you please forgive me?
