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Still, I’ve been so caught up in him lately that my focus isn’t as sharp as it should be. I made myself a promise that I’d never let a relationship get in the way of my ambition, and regardless of how I feel for him, I can’t compromise with myself. Not on this.
The mere thought of that sends a little tendril of panic through me, because Sebastian does deserve a girlfriend who is there for him. Not just for a random weekday practice or to vanquish bad memories, but for all the shit that matters in his own life and career, and staring that in the face is terrifying.
I just need to recommit. I can’t let this opportunity slip through my fingers. Failure isn’t an option under any circumstances, but especially not now, with Professor Santoro counting on me and a semester at the University of Geneva on the line. If I have a shot at making my parents understand what I want to do, I need to succeed at it.
“I know it’s a lot,” she says. “But I want to push you. If you’re going to keep doing this, you need to get comfortable working under time constraints. We’d love all the time and budget in the world to get our work done, but that’s not how it works if you want to work on these large projects. Keeping up with the little milestones leads to the big breakthroughs in science, every time.”
“Absolutely.”
She gives me a long, considering look. She must approve of what she sees because she nods. “Good. And how are things with your family?”
“They’re fine.”
“Did you mention the symposium to them?”
“Not yet.”
She purses her lips. “I’ll need to know who to expect, Mia.”
“Don’t expect any of them.” Admitting it hurts, but it’s the truth. My plan all along has been to come clean after I have the study abroad lined up; they’ll see how serious I am when I have the acceptance in hand. But I need the symposium to secure my spot, and I don’t want to risk messing it up by involving my family. “Maybe my… I have a boyfriend, and maybe he’ll come. But it’s not a good time to talk to my parents.”
“A boyfriend?” she asks.
“It’s recent.”
“I met my husband while I was in graduate school,” she says. She smiles slightly, clearly remembering something. “It’s hard to maintain relationships in this field. Very hard. I think it worked because he was in academia too—for biology, of course, but he understood the demands.”
“Did you ever…” I trail off, because while I’ve gotten candid with her about my family, and she’s shared some information about hers, we haven’t spoken about personal things beyond that. I knew about her husband; he works in the biology department here at McKee, but I don’t know much more. “Did you need to do things long-distance?”
“My first position as a professor was at Stony Brook, on Long Island,” she says. “And Sam was all the way in California, at Stanford.”
“No way.”
“It was hard, but we made compromises.” She fiddles with her wedding ring, a simple gold band with a floral engraving. “The thing was to choose which compromises to make. We had nonnegotiable things, and others that were more flexible. Eventually we wanted to get on the same coast, and we made that happen. Is your boyfriend a student here?”
“Yeah. He’s on the baseball team.”
“Ah,” she says. “So he’s busy right now.”
“Giving an interview as we speak,” I say wryly. “I don’t know if the name Sebastian Callahan means anything to you, he studies history, but—”
“Jacob Miller’s son,” she says.
I blink. “Yeah. How did you know?”
“Sam is from Cincinnati. He’s a huge Reds fan.”
“He’ll want him to be on the team eventually, then.”
“I don’t pay much attention to the specifics. But his name is recognizable, yes.” She laughs slightly. “I won’t lie to you, Mia. It’s hard to be in two places when you’re trying to have one relationship. There will be choices to make, and you might not always like the answer. Sam and I nearly didn’t make it, although we’re stronger now, having gone through the hardship.”
I dig my fingertips into my palm. “I can’t give this up. It’s… it’s all I’ve ever wanted. Ever since the first time I looked at the stars through a telescope.”
Something cracked open in my heart that night as I stood on the beach with Nonno, staring up at the nighttime sky. I felt so connected to the world around me, to that endless, diamond-studded black, my mind crowded with so many questions I could barely think. All science starts with a question, and I had enough for several lifetimes. I know, in the deepest, most vulnerable, most guarded part of my soul, that I was given this passion for a reason.
“Nor do I think you should. A mind like yours doesn’t come around very often. It’s been years since I’ve had such a promising student.”
My breath sticks in my throat. “Thank you.”
