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I swallowed my last piece of toast. I wanted to ask Charlie how to take the tablets, but embarrassment rose from my past as a nurse, and my pride couldn’t face him knowing more about medicine than me.
I’d seen Winnie take them by filling her mouth halfway with water, popping the tablets in, and swallowing.
I tried and succeeded with minimal water damage to my clothing or the table. Charlie stared at me with his lips locked tightly together and laughter in his eyes. Sighing, I promised myself to be a better human while I was still one so I didn’t continually embarrass myself on the trip. And a less emotional human, too. Although I wasn’t so confident in that promise.
There was another announcement made and blasted around the arena on speakers, but this time, Charlie reacted. “That’s us. Everyone, finish your meals, and let’s go.”
When we finally got on the plane later than expected, Charlie sat me in the middle seat between to him and Zaide. Daithi sat on the other side of the plane, the aisle separating us.
I held on to Zaide’s hair as the plane rolled forward and then blasted into the sky. I closed my eyes tight and resisted the urge to scream.
This isn’t scary. Every modern person does this and doesn’t die. Be braver. Be stronger.
Charlie’s hand squeezed mine reassuringly. Or at least, it would have been reassuring if we weren’t ridiculously high in a mental box. I cursed myself.
Zaide clenched the armrests, the only sign that he was also afraid, and I wished I had my tail to offer to him.
As the plane leveled out, so did my heartbeat. I spent a lot of the flight twisting the end of Zaide’s braid into different shapes. Zaide, Daithi and Charlie were all reading books they had gathered from the witches’ houses, and I briefly wondered why I didn’t get a book to read.
Do they think I can’t?
“What are you reading?” I whispered to Charlie.
He jumped slightly and then turned to me with a smile. “It’s a ‘witches for beginners’ book that we got from Deb’s house.”
“Why don’t I have one to read?”
“I didn’t realize you wanted one.”
“I want to help, Charlie.”
“Clawdia, you were just sick. You don’t have to prove anything to me.”
“I’m not—”
“Yes, you are. You want to be helpful, but you need to listen to your body. You’re not okay. Let us handle stuff until you’re used to being human again.” He smiled. “Or somewhat used to it.”
I understood what he was saying but felt slightly put out by his “let the men handle this” attitude. I used to be a nurse. Until my father imprisoned me, I was independent, earned money, and had a career. I used to order grown men as I helped them, and it upset me that he thought I was too weak to help now. But that was just my pride speaking.
Charlie was right. I wasn’t myself, I wasn’t coping, and I needed to get a hold of myself before I could help anyone else.
“You called me Clawdicat earlier,” I noted, and he looked away. Back at his book.
He nodded, still not looking at me. “I did.”
“Why am I Clawdia now?”
He replied thoughtlessly, quickly, “You’re making a big deal out of nothing. It’s just a name.”
I knew he was trying to dismiss me, but it felt important that I voiced my preferences. “I would rather you call me Clawdicat. You did when I was a cat.”
He sighed. “You aren’t a cat anymore, Clawdia.”
“No, I’m not.” I tilted my head so I could see his expression. When he looked up at me, I asked, “Are you upset about that? Did you prefer me as a cat?”
A range of emotions flashed across his face too quickly for me to decipher. “No. God, what a fucking trap this question is. Look. It’s not that I prefer you as a cat. It’s that I knew you as a cat. I don’t know Clawdia the human, and so I can’t pretend there’s familiarity when there isn’t.”
“Oh.” It made sense, but it still crushed me knowing that he preferred the other me. I understood why. Even I preferred Clawdicat to Clawdia. But understanding didn’t make it hurt any less. Tears welled in my eyes, and I blinked them away rapidly.
