AllFreeNovel
Share Us
I had to lose.
I aimed another punch, knowing I’d left my weak side open. No surprise, Nolan took advantage, ramming his fist into my solar plexus, knocking the wind out of me. I choked, doubling over. Before I could recover, he leaned back and rounded a kick into my ribs, forcing me off balance and onto my back.
My body shook against the mat, tears pricking the corner of my eyes. This was my moment, and I let it slip away. Because I was weak and undeserving.
I did not belong here.
No, no, no, no, no….
“You win,” the words came out strained as I pulled myself up from the ground. I sent a million blessings up to the Goddess that this had happened while I was training, so I could disguise this mind-bending panic as nothing more than exhaustion.
“Well, aren’t I just the best?” he laughed, the sound dying on his lips as he stared at me, brows creasing. “Kasha? Are you alright?”
He reached out to touch my arm, but I flinched away, taking a step back. “Yes, I just remembered that I’m behind on reviewing case files. Lucas can finish the class if you don’t mind helping.”
I tried to keep my pace as slow as possible, my steps agonizing as I walked over to the bench and picked up my bag, shoving my journal and water inside. The pressure on my chest increased, each breath sharp as I tried my best to pull air in and push it out.
“I…um…of course…” Nolan hovered around me, his movements hesitant. He leaned down, lips close to my ear. “Are you sure you’re alright?”
“Yes! How many times do I have to say it?” I snapped, my mind recoiling at the unwarranted bite in my words, but I couldn’t worry about that at the moment. I needed to get away. “Taylor, come with me, I need your help.”
Taylor, bag already in hand, fell quickly into step with me toward the door. I tried my best to walk out of the room with ease, as if there was no other reason than work making me flee. But the moment we were outside of view, I took off, my memory guiding my feet while the world blurred around me. I stumbled into one of the private training rooms, the door slamming against the wall as I entered.
I finally allowed myself to collapse on the floor, my mind and body in anarchy. Everything was muted by the agony screaming inside, raging through me like a storm. I barely registered the door clicking behind me, footsteps approaching, the smoky campfire scent familiar from his skin.
“I’ve got you Kas,” Taylor whispered in my ear, his chest pressing against my back, arms wrapping around me in a protective cocoon. “I’ve got you. No one can hear us in here.”
That was all it took for the tears to flow, a scream ripping from my throat as I let the pandemonium out.
Chapter Eleven
Midday sunlight streamed through my office window, my visionstarting to blur while I stared down at the reports in front of me.
I was taking every chance I had to go through as many Elliot files as I could. I wanted to be an expert and catch up as quickly as possible. The more I continued to learn and read, the more my stomach churned at the thought of this man running free in the streets, in my country. This was why I had joined the Guard, why I felt called to take the oath even as a legacy child. I wanted to protect, I wanted to give others safety in life and retribution to those who had been wronged. This man, with the evil that must course through his veins, represented all of that. I would hunt him down with every bit of mental and physical strength I had left if I had to.
A smaller part of me was using this opportunity to prove my place.
I wasn’t sure if I was trying to prove something to the High Faction or to myself, but I was determined. I didn’t care if Nolan had helped lead it in the past, or if he was some kind of expert on Elliot Wells. Seathra was my territory, it was my home. I would keep it safe.
Pettiness was seeping through every inch of me. I needed to rein it in a bit, and I would, but if it was the thing that drove me to learn more, to protect better, and to hunt this villain down quicker, then what was the harm?
Oh right, Nolan.
He inadvertently had become the representation of my past and the mistakes I had made. He was this living embodiment of failure that I was now forced to follow—something I had never wanted to do again.
Seeing him almost every day made my stomach curl inward, my chest ache in a way I wished I could banish. My mind and body felt out of sync, unable to discern what feelings toward Nolan were truth and which were nothing more than defensive reactions.
The loyal soldier in me wanted to obey, but the swirling turmoil inside wanted me to act out. Nothing seemed to make sense when it came to that man.
Before all of this happened, I had never found myself in such a toxic place. I had been ready to take an Alpha promotion. I was collected and calm under pressure, able to banish feelings and emotions from cutthroat decisions that sometimes needed to be made. I could sacrifice my personal comfort for the betterment of the Faction and Kazola. I had been ready. Now, every time I felt betrayed or hurt or was triggered by my past, my first instinct was to act out, to defy.
I loathed this new part of myself. I wanted it to disappear, and sometimes I wondered if it would just be better if I disappeared along with it.
I shook my head, ridding myself of the terrible thought. I couldn’t give in, I couldn’t surrender. Not again.
Damn Nolan for his presence bringing this horrid part of me so much closer to the surface.
As if summoned, a knock came from my closed office door, the faint scent of cinnamon and citrus seeping through.
