Page 48 of Captured By Chaos


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I sighed, picking up my fork. “Alright, then.” I trusted Lea to know exactly what she needed, yet it didn’t dull the flair to protect her.

“Besides,” she rounded the corner with her own plate, dropping in the seat next to me, “I appreciate you taking these days off with me to keep my company, but I know you’re just as desperate to get back to work, too.”

I chuckled, spearing a piece of sausage. “And here I thought I was hiding it so well.”

I was already dressed in my black shirt, stretchy pants, and military boots underneath my armor, ready to get back to the Compound and resume the Elliot case. I had taken a quick call on my Comms with Eden yesterday, having her catch me up on the victim they had found the night of the hostage situation. It sounded like a typical Elliot killing, with the branding, drained blood, and an uncomfortable amount of wolfsbane used to clean up.

The perfection of it all made my head spin. I’d spent my alone time for the rest of the day sitting in my room and trying to come up with any idea on how to move forward, attempting to find any little thread to tug on and find a new path. All that work made my skin buzz, anxious to get back there as soon as I could to help.

Unfortunately, I had a counseling appointment to attend first.

***

“Last time we talked about your family a bit,” Vanessa said after we’d both settled into our usual seats in her office. “But I was wondering how everything with your Faction was going. Now that time has gone by, how are you feeling about your new Alpha? Nolan, right?”

My fingers curled around the cushion below me. Was Vanessa a mind-reader? “Yes, Nolan.” I took a deep breath, unclenching my fingers and placing them in my lap instead. This was supposed to help me—itcouldhelp me, if I wanted it to. “Things have…developed.”

“Care to explain?”

I let out another deep breath. “It was hard at first, which is probably no surprise. But we both learned that my anger toward him was more due to a…miscommunication on the High Faction’s part.”

“That’s good, isn’t it?”

“I don’t know.” I scratched at my hairline, staring at Vanessa’s perfectly polished black leather heeled boots. “I spent time with him outside of work. He wanted to break that tension and he took the steps to try to do it. We played a game of billiards together the other night with a sort of bet where the winner could ask the loser one question.”

Vanessa chuckled. “How did you fare?”

“I won.” I smirked. “And it helped me learn a bit more about his motivations to come here. It made me realize that his reasons are valid, even if I couldn’t understand at first. I was being stubborn, letting my past cloud my judgement. I didn’t like having to admit that, but at least I was able to realize that my qualifications didn’t make him any less qualified.”

“How did that realization make you feel?”

I tapped my finger against the chair for a moment, thinking about the right way to describe it. “Calmed, at least a little. Having that clarity definitely helped. At least now I don’t doubt his skills as much. I know he can lead, even if I wish he wasn’t here doing it. It’s not the best, but better. I think we’ll at least be able to work together.”

“You seem unsettled by the whole thing even though you’re saying it ended well.” Vanessa tapped her stilo tapping her knee. It wasn’t a question, but an observation, her powerful, inquisitive gaze bearing into me, my skin pricking at the scrutiny.

She wasn’t wrong; I was unsettled. In the moment, it was good for me, my mind settling a bit once I learned more about Nolan. It at least helped me feel better about being his second-in-command even if I wasn’t one hundred percent alright with it. But once I had gotten home, lying in bed staring at the ceiling, I couldn’t seem to figure out exactly how I felt anymore.

“It just made me feel…odd.” I fell back in my chair.

“Odd, how?”

“I’m not sure, I can’t really explain it.”

“Can you try?” Vanessa leaned forward, shifting in her seat a bit. “Maybe explain what different emotions you were trying to process during and after the time you spent with him?”

“No, I can’t. They all feel too tangled.” My foot began to tap against the floor. I tried to bring myself back to how I felt the other night, but when I did, it all felt muddled and twisted together, lodged within my chest. “It’s frustrating, because I know I would feel better if I gained clarity on it all, but it seems out of reach. Every time I think I’m getting close to understanding, it’s ripped away.”

A jittering buzz spread up my arms, thumping against my chest in an uncomfortably smothering way.

“Is this the first time you’ve struggled to name emotions like this?”

I bit my lip. “No.”

“Hm.” Vanessa wrote a few things in her journal. “Did that start within the last year?”

My fingers began to shake, the pressure on my chest deepening. I hated this, thinking about how I’d been forced to change and adapt. I didn’t want it, I didn’t like it. My head was spinning, the room around me blurring at the edges.

“Kasha,” Vanessa whispered, “take all the time you need. Just breathe. and when you’re ready to answer, I’ll be right here.”

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