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I let that soothe me in a way, reminding myself that there was no pressure. This was at my pace, it was my journey. No one could tell me how to heal, not when it came to my own sanity. I took a few deep breaths, the air burning my nostrils, but I didn’t care. I pulled them in long and deep, holding them in for a few seconds before releasing. Things began to sharpen around me slowly, the tapping of my shoe against the floor, the slight scent of the lavender candle burning on the table next to Vanessa, and the tickling of my hair blowing against the back of my neck.
I let the calm wash over me and through my mind, allowing myself to finally think about an answer.
“Yes.” My voice was shaking, but at least I could speak again. “I suppose there were instances beforehand, but they were isolated. Now it feels like it happens in any situation that’s even slightly overwhelming.”
Vanessa tapped her stilo against her lips this time, her brows crinkling. “Have you noticed they affect you physically in any way?”
My muscles seized. “What do you mean?”
“If something has happened, then you would know what I mean.”
My eyes narrowed at her, my first thought wondering if she suspected I was struggling to connect with my wolf. I had kept it from my last psycho-physician, terrified that they would report it to the High Faction even though these sessions were supposed to be confidential. I only let that shame out when necessary, or when I trusted someone. I could never let the truth show.
Yet, Vanessa was insinuating that she was already aware of it, that she had somehow deduced it from our past sessions. Maybe she had, and I couldn’t help but wonder…did that mean it had happened to someone else?
I supposed there was only one way to find out. Even though my mind screamed at me to keep the secret bottled up, my desperation for answers was stronger. Vanessa was the first person to give even the hint that she might know more about this burden I had been forced to carry for a year. Maybe I could actually learn something that would help me.
“I…” I closed my eyes for a moment, letting a beat pass; then I looked back up at her, all of her attention on me. It was now or never. “I haven’t been able to sense or transform into my wolf since the…the incident.”
“I see.” Vanessa nodded knowingly.
“I’ve tried but nothing seems to work,” Tears pricked at the edges of my eyes, but I didn’t let them fall. My voice was shaking, just like my insides, but I didn’t care. “After everything that was taken from me, this was…this was the worst part of it all. I feel like half of me is missing and I don’t know what to do. What if I can never be whole again?”
Vanessa pulled her chair forward a bit, leaning over to grasp my hand. I stiffened at the contact. “I know you think that makes you a failure, but I want you to know, you are not the first Varg Anwyn I’ve met who has had that problem.”
My throat tightened. “Really?”
“I won’t lie to you and say it’s normal…it is fairly rare.” Her face was calm and relaxed. I could tell she was being honest; she knew me well enough not to sugarcoat the facts, it wouldn’t help me. “However, it has been to known to happen.”
“Why?” I needed answers, my fingers tingling, not wanting to waste another second.
“Wolves are meant to run free, live without inhibition—”
“I know that.”
“Well, studies have shown that when Vargs suppress extremely potent emotions, ignoring them, it causes an imbalance with their wolf side.” She leaned back in her chair. “When the wolf feels such a shift, it goes into survival mode, pulling away from the suppression, ultimately leading to a dormant wolf.”
I stuttered a bit. “You make it sound like my wolf is sleeping, or…in a coma.”
“No, not at all.” Vanessa bit her lip for a moment, the tips of her fangs peeking out. “When your wolf feels you suppressing such strong emotions, it doesn’t know how to react, because that goes against the core of what the wolf is. And just like a human, it learns to lean away from what makes it uncomfortable. That’s what your wolf is doing. Until you can create an environment for it that’s less uncomfortable, it won’t return.”
I let the new knowledge and facts process. This was good, it was a step forward, which meant I could find a solution. “So, what do I need to do?”
“You need to face what the wolf is trying to escape.” Vanessa gave me a weary smile. “You need to cope with the trauma and learn to process the emotions, fears, and other pain that you’ve been internalizing. The longer you try to ignore it, the bigger a problem it will become.”
It all made sense; being able to access that part of myself again, to set it free, seemed so simple. Face your past, face the emotions and thoughts you refused to think about and process. Live through them, feel them, set yourself free from them. It was easy to speak the steps, but it was difficult to even accept the idea was achievable.
In fact, it felt impossible.
So instead of saying anything, of telling Vanessa I could do that, I pulled away and stayed silent.
I didn’t want to face myself. I didn’t want to look back.
I knew it was wrong, I knew it wasn’t helping, and that’s what made it worse. Somehow, after everything, the idea of facing my past and digging into my complicated, entangled emotions was even more terrifying than the idea of never shifting again.
Chapter Twenty-Five
When I returned to the Compound after my session, I wentstraight for Lucas’s office.
