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I did exactly what he asked, I showed him how much hate and anger I had stored up.
But the more I punched and jabbed and thrashed, the more I knew deep in my soul that he was not the one I wanted to be fighting. No matter how much I once believed that I hated him, that was not the truth. He was nothing more than a proxy for those I was truly angry with, for those who had taken away everything from me. My strength, my freedom, my happiness, my light. All of those who had forced me into silence, into the darkness that now tried to consume me every day. They had tainted me, body and mind, each of them in their own uniquely cruel way.
The High Faction. My Father. Caleb.
Logan.
I hated them, all of them. Even Father and Caleb, who I still held a sense of love for—a part of me hated them. The two opposing emotions swirled together, dueling inside of me, colliding and struggling. I didn’t know which would win, I didn’t know how all of this would end, and for once I didn’t care. I just let it out. I let the anger and the hurt and the hatred pool deep inside of me before it fueled my next attack, the power of those dark emotions released with each impact. I didn’t have to hold it inside anymore, I didn’t need to give it a piece of who I was. I had held the anger in for so long, I hadn’t realized that I was just giving all of them even more control over me. But not anymore.
I accepted the anger, I held it for what it was, and then I set it free.
Finally, after Goddess-knew how long, I stumbled away from him, wiping at blood trickling slowly from my nose. My breathing was labored and rough, body buzzing from the release I hadn’t known I needed. And it was in that moment, I felt it, something I’d been missing for so long. Something I craved deep in my soul.
My eyes were glowing their beautiful golden hue.
Even though I couldn’t see them, I knew they were—my vision sharpening, my mind turning from panicked anger to impulse-driven. Every inch of my body was alight with freedom, a whirlwind of energy swirling around desperate to be released. It was empowering and perfect and completely intoxicating.
Yet, after a year without this intense freedom, it was also overwhelming. Everything was on fire, twitching and pulsating to the point of almost pain, that fine line between pleasurable and unbearable. I didn’t know what to do, my mind spinning with so many thoughts, I feared it would make my wolf flee again.
I needed to go off my instinct, I needed to follow my passions. It was the only way to keep my wolf, to follow the freedom to a place where overthinking wasn’t allowed and all I could do was feel. Feel anything I wanted, be anyone I wanted to be. No more fear getting in the way, no more second-guessing.
Feel. I just needed to feel.
I didn’t think, I acted. Which was the only way I could explain why I rushed at Nolan, his eyes wide with surprise as I pushed him roughly against the wall, his body impacting with a loud thump. I held him there, my hands pinning his shoulders, his body still as he stared down at me, his own wolf-golden eyes watching for my next move. A moment of brief silence passed, stillness settling as we just stood there, staring.
Until I pounced, pulling his neck downward and crashing my lips against his.
I had no idea why that was the first thing I wanted, but I didn’t question it. He stiffened for a brief moment before melting into the kiss, his arms snaking around my waist to pull me closer. I started slow, explored him for the first time, moving gradually so I could remember every little movement. Something wet and sticky mingled between us before seeping through the crack of my lips, the luscious taste of his blood tantalizing my tastebuds. I let my tongue dart out, craving the sweet, dark flavor, licking the small stain from the corner of his lips, a moan raking through his body at the contact.
This was my first time tasting him in more ways than one, and already I found myself wanting more. Yet, for all I knew, he didn’t feel the same; my stomach clenched at the thought.
I pulled away a mere inch, our breaths still mingling. My body trembled as I looked up, desperate for more of his lips. For once, I didn’t want to be fighting for power or control, I just wanted to give in.
Nolan looked down at me, his eyes glowing like embers, just as intoxicated as mine.
In our next breath he whipped me around so I was the one pinned against the wall, his body flush with mine. He didn’t even hesitate before crashing our mouths back together. His lips were hard and sure, moving against mine as if they belonged there. He explored every inch of me, his tongue sneaking out to trace me, a groan escaping as I parted my lips and allowed his tongue to dance with mine. He tasted like he smelled: spicy and exotic and addictive.
Seconds passed between us while I savored having someone near me again. For so long, I had been terrified that my body would be scared of everyone, forcing me to cower away from even the idea of being intimate. But with Nolan, with his body so close and his lips so tantalizing, I couldn’t stop myself from craving more, from desiring more.
I pressed myself further against the wall if that was even possible, my hands slowly moving to explore the hard form of his chest and stomach through the soft fabric of his short-sleeved shirt. I didn’t care about what was happening outside this room. I didn’t care that technically someone could walk in and find us. All of that, the responsibility and need to control, left my body as if it never existed.
All that mattered were the jolts of electricity coursing through me.
A slam from outside sent us jumping apart, my arms pushing him away just as he took a step back. It was nothing more than the door to the practice area closing shut. No one had found us, no one was even close to the private room we occupied.
But with that collision back to reality, I felt the golden beauty of my eyes slip away, back to their steely blue color.
“No!” I screamed, my body crumbling against the wall, legs half crouched, arms braced against the cold concrete to keep me upright.
I was so close to having my wolf back, and it all just disappeared in an instant. My mind and body were warring once again, everything that had happened just now all crashing down, pulling me with it. My head was spinning, my stomach churning so violently, I dry heaved a few times, but I kept the bile from escaping. I gasped for air, for anything that would calm me down but it was too late. I’d overwhelmed my senses for the first time in a year and now my body was reacting.
Violently.
“Kasha...” Nolan took a step forward, but I didn’t give him the opening to touch me again. I didn’t even have the words to explain to him what had happened. Everything pounded inside of me at once, trying to escape. It was all too much. So, I did the only thing I thought to do.
I ran.
Chapter Twenty-Seven
