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My lungs burned with each step I took, but I ignored them, determined to get anywhere that wasn’t the training building. I darted to the woods, my steps quickening the moment I crossed the threshold, the underbrush crunching under my boots.
I ran for about a mile, avoiding the camping area and losing myself instead in the thicket of trees that surrounded the Compound. Leaves and twigs brushed against me, nicking my exposed arms, one even scratching my face, but I didn’t care. I was determined to see if I could transform.
Even though I had a feeling I knew the disappointing answer already.
I slowed, then stopped in a minor gap in the trees, and waited under the glowing, waning moon, my breathing labored, heart pounding erratically. In the past, calling my wolf was an instinct, a natural part of who I was. I never needed to think, just act. I kept holding onto the small sliver of hope that I needed to focus more since it had been so long; I reminded myself of my limbs cracking into place, the effortless glide of my body switching from one form to the other. I remembered the cool whipping of wind blowing through my soft silver fur, the crunch of twigs under my bare paws. I remembered every moment, every favorite.
Yet, nothing.
I tilted my head back, shouting so loud, the entire Faction could probably hear it. The howl was filled with my sadness, the warbling cry released to Lunestia’s crescent hanging above me. I cried out for my wolf, begging the Goddess to bless me with it once again. Was I being punished? Did she no longer find me worthy of her blessing?
As my howl dissipated, the tears finally fell, my body collapsing against the nearest tree. All I could do was curl up, my legs pulled to my chest and forehead falling to my knees, my pants catching the waterfall that escaped from my eyes. I didn’t know what else to do. I’d let the anger out, I’d set it free, just as Vanessa said I would need to. So why was my wolf still hiding?
I was so tired of trying to figure it out, tired of being forced to go back through everything that happened to discover what was keeping a vital part of me hidden. Tired of having to prove myself. Tired of having to show everyone that I was still strong, that I could still do my job.
Would it ever end?
I didn’t know how long I sat out there alone before the crunching of leaves echoed in the distance. I counted down the seconds until the sound was right in front of me.
“Why are you two here?” I whispered, not looking up, but knowing exactly who stood in front of me.
“Because we care about you.” Liv dropped herself next to me, Eden settling in on the other side. “What happened?”
A part of me didn’t want to talk about it, many voices in the back of my mind yelling at me to keep my mouth shut. I rocked myself a few more times, trying to even out my breathing. Liv and Eden had been there for me through it all; they had defended me, but most importantly, they had believed me and never questioned my truth. They knew every sordid detail and still loved me, they saw me as strong and capable. I could trust them.
I kept telling myself that, over and over, in hopes I would believe it.
“My eyes glowed.” I peeked up to settle my chin on my knees.
“What?” Eden sat up straight, shifting herself to face me directly. “Kas, that’s amazing!”
My jaw quaked. “I know, but it’s already disappeared again. I tried, I tried so hard to transform, but nothing happened. Not even a small buzz to give me some hope.”
“But your eyes glowed, which is the first step,” Liv said. “That alone is reason to hope.”
I leaned back, my head resting on the trunk behind us. “I suppose.”
“Well, what happened?”
I rubbed my temples, a dull ache settling behind my eyes. “After the High Faction left, I was trying to let off some energy in the training room, throwing daggers. Nolan came to check on me.”
“He mentioned he was going to,” Eden mumbled.
“We talked for a bit, and the next thing I knew he was pushing me around, trying to get me to fight.” The memories already felt distant, as if they hadn’t happened less than an hour ago. “He said I was holding my anger in and that it wasn’t healthy. He wanted to try and help me let it out, hoping it would make me feel better.”
And of course, he was right—it did.
“At first I didn’t want to, but it seemed like a sign from the Goddess, because Vanessa only this morning educated me on the fact that wolves had been known to retreat when a Varg had gone through trauma and was struggling to process and cope with it.” Another tear escaped me, my heart aching to return to that moment, to feel that heated burn I had been so desperate for. “So, I gave in and started fighting him back. After a round of sparring, everything felt alive again, and I could sense it: my eyes were glowing.”
“That’s incredible,” Liv said, leaves rustling under her as she adjusted to stretch her long legs out in front of her. “Repressing intense emotions like that can really mess with a person. I guess it only makes sense that the ramifications are linked to both of your forms.”
“You sound like Vanessa,” I chuckled, my shoulders loosening a bit. “No,worse…you sound like Beckett.”
“She’s right,” Eden laughed, winking at our friend.
“Twelve years of marriage, I suppose it was bound to happen.” Liv shook her head, twisting a lock of obsidian hair around her fingers. “Well, whoever I sound like, the words still hold plenty of truth.”
Both Liv and Vanessa were right—and it was the only thing that made sense. The problem was, I could barely decipher my own emotions, all of them blending together in a sticky mess, refusing to untangle so I could try and accept them. They each tried to assault me at once, and it was always just too damned much. It made me ache and cower away from them. Even though logically, I knew the steps I needed to take to help bring my wolf back, it was easier to force my emotions aside than to face the pain I would have to go through to understand why they were there.
