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And I drank. And I drank. And I drank.
Chapter Forty-One
“So that’s why you were in the hospital,” Nolan whispered, not as a question but as a fact he already knew.
“The first two weeks were for my body to recover.” I scratched my arm. “The other two and a half months I was in the psych ward, mandated by the High Faction. They said if I refused treatment, then there was no way I would be allowed back in the Guard.”
“Futeacha,” Nolan swore, gripping my hand tighter.
“It was the right thing to do,” I whispered—and it was the truth. Those months had been torturous, being locked up, but they did help. They gave me a safe space to start my recovery, to at least begin facing what my future would hold.
“Doesn’t mean that blackmailing you into it was the right thing to do,” he said.
“I suppose.” I shook my head. “After my life attempt, and coming back from basically the brink of death, all of the Hierarchy found out what really happened to me.”
“Let me guess—they reacted the same way I did.”
“Some did. I wasn’t there to witness most of it, I was brought right to the hospital after Beckett stabilized me, but they’ve told me the stories. Beckett threatened Logan and almost slit his throat with the Ogdala Blade the next day…apparently my blood was still on it.”
“Good for him,” Nolan mumbled, my chest squeezing at his words.
“Liv was the one to pull him off of Logan.” I wished I had been there to see that whole moment. “I guess Logan made some kind of crude joke about Liv being the only sane one, so she punched him and kneed him in the groin. Told him the only reason she was saving his life was to save her husband’s. If he wouldn’t be punished for slitting his throat, Liv would’ve had no problem watching Logan’s blood spill. Or so she says.”
“Wow.” Nolan’s face dropped in awe. “Liv doesn’t strike me as the bloodthirsty type.”
“She’s not.”
“So, how did life continue on after that?”
“Logan tried to act like it was completely normal that I was gone after that night,” I said, my chest burning with the fury I felt every time I thought about it. “But the rest of the Hierarchy wasn’t having it. Taylor and Lucas went on leave, refusing to come back until I was reinstated and Logan was gone. Beckett and Emric left Logan out of as many cases and responsibilities as they could, effectively cutting him off from his title. Eden and Greyson tried their best to refuse as many of his orders as possible, and sometimes he forced them to with an Alpha command. Eden was much more vocal about it, but Greyson searched Logan’s office for any shred of evidence that would prove my claims. His own quiet way of being rebellious.”
“Goddess, I love those two.” Nolan shook his head with a smile.
“They all wanted to fight for me while I was gone, but the problem was, the High Faction stood their ground on Logan’s side,” I sighed. “They started writing up the Faction, labeling us defiant and belligerent. They threatened to force everyone through the removal, but the Hierarchy wasn’t scared to push back. They threatened to spread the truth about everything, how the High Faction didn’t even protect one of their own, that they let a rapist go free. The High Faction acted like it didn’t bother them, but in the end, no one was fired.”
“So, how did the post become available?” Nolan asked.
“Honestly, none of us know whose decision it was in the end, Logan’s or the High Faction’s.” I rubbed my forehead with my free hand. “Two weeks before I was set to be released from the hospital, Logan visited me and told me he was taking an Alpha post in Dalchus.”
“He had the nerve to come close to you again?” Nolan growled, his eyes flashing once again.
I nodded. “Acting like it was completely normal that he was coming to say goodbye. He tried to explain his reasons for leaving, but honestly, I don’t remember, the whole visit is just a haze by that point.”
“What a soulless bastard,” Nolan mumbled, and my heart warmed at his words.
“After he left, my father came.” Tears pricked my eyes, the memory still fresh as if it only happened yesterday. “He was so cold, just like he had been ever since I brought the investigation to them.”
“I’m so sorry, Kasha,” he whispered, his hand squeezing mine once again.
“He gave me a choice: either leave the Guard and tell my story, or accept my posting back and sign a non-discloser agreement.” Shame washed over me, remembering the day I had made what felt like an impossible decision. It was one of the hardest choices of my life, deciding between owning what had happened to me or going back to the job that had been my dream and purpose for my whole life. “Obviously, you know what I ended up choosing.”
I had been so lost when I made that decision, broken and splintered in a way that had felt impossible to come back from. I needed safety and normalcy, and the Guard was always that for me. I needed to go back to a place where I felt strong, and if I had given that up, I would have lost myself completely—most likely attempting suicide again.
Although I cursed the names of those who silenced me, I did not regret the choice I’d made. I had done good in the Guard, and it was my purpose to continue forward. If I left, who would fight for any others the High Faction wished to silence? Who would use their power to fight for change? I couldn’t leave that behind.
So, I’d stayed silent in one way, but continue to fight in others; even when I felt broken, I fought for those who might come next.
Nolan wiped his hand over his face, our other hands still link together. “I expected it to be bad, but this…this is deplorable.”
