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Why didn’t I feel elated? Why wasn’t I jumping out of my seat to thank him, even hugging him? Why was this pressure settling in my chest and throat making me feel like I would cry?
The answer was obvious, yet a part of me tried desperately to ignore it. I didn’t want to believe it, but there was no denying the truth: I didn’t want him to go.
He stared at me, his gorgeous green eyes searching for something, for any reaction to the kindest, most selfless words a man had ever spoken to me. I wanted to give it to him, but I couldn’t seem to muster up even fake enthusiasm. Because that meant I would be celebrating his departure, and the weight of that truth was crushing my heart and soul in a way I never thought I would feel again.
This wasn’t just attraction. It wasn’t just physical, I couldn’t deny it any longer. My heart was called to him in a way I had dreamed about as a child and in recent months believed I would never experience for myself. He was an odd culmination of traits—one moment a confident, teasing trickster and the next selfless, helping me any way he could. He could rip my throat out if wanted to, but instead he comforted me with a gentle touch that set my body aflame.
He was a dichotomy even my investigative mind still couldn’t figure out, and I was drawn to it, desperate to be around him and learn more. To feel his strength and kindness and to talk to him for hours about complex topics or benign ideas. He was everything I had ever wanted and didn’t realize I needed all in one.
I didn’t deserve him.
So I knew what I had to do to show him how much I cared about him, how much my heart called out to him, even if I didn’t deserve to be with him.
I perked myself up slightly, turning my hand over to wrap our fingers together. “I’m sorry, I think I’m in shock,” I shook my head, dragging up my lips. “I didn’t expect this to happen. Ever.”
A sweet, lopsided smile grew on his face. “Looks like I accomplished my goal, then.”
My brows furrowed. “Excuse me?”
“I made you smile.” He winked, a sliver of laughter escaping him at his own stupid joke.
I flopped back in my chair, biting my lip to conceal a laugh. “You’re so weird.”
“We both deserve this job, Kas.” His voice lowered back to its serious, honest tone. “It’s not fair you were passed over for the actions of others. If anything, it should have shown the High Faction that you deserve the posting. No one has fought harder for it than you, no one has proven their strength more than you have. I need to stay to put Elliot behind bars if we can—I wouldn’t feel settled if I didn’t. But after that, I want to step aside, let you take the place you’ve earned.”
No words could describe the swirl that brewed in my chest, how much gratitude I had for this man—so I did something else instead. I walked around the desk, my feet heavy as I approached him. I didn’t think, pulling him to his feet and wrapping my arms around his torso. His arms didn’t hesitate to embrace me back, the light pressure of his cheek resting on my forehead comforting me even more.
“Thank you,” I mumbled into his shirt, the smooth cotton brushing against me.
“You’re welcome,” he whispered into my hair, stroking the back of my head.
I didn’t know how long we stayed like that, how long we embraced and relished in each other’s warmth. It was a moment I wished I could freeze in time, a place I could always go back to once he was gone. It was a memory, along with many others, I would cherish forever.
“I should let you get back to work.” He pulled away, hands warm on my shoulders as he looked down at me. “The sooner we solve this case, the sooner you get your job back.”
I let out a stream of forced laughter, trying to make it sound as light as possible. “Seriously, Nolan, thank you. Not just for this, but for everything.”
“For you? Of course.” He gave me one more wink before walking away and closing the door. My body fell against my desk, perching on the side as I stared blankly at the wall.
So much had happened to me over the past year, and I was finally starting to understand the emotions and the repression all of it had caused, and face who I was forced to adapt into. But somehow, in that moment, in Nolan’s selfless act, he showed me that it wasn’t each individual emotion I was repressing that made me struggle the most, but a truth that encompassed all of them together.
I just wanted to feel whole again, that was what I had been unable to decipher for so long. It was an impossible reality to face. Yet, this entire time, I couldn’t seem to accept that just because I had changed, that didn’t mean I was less of a person or less than whole, even if it didn’t feel that way all the time.
And there it was, the final tangled piece I hadn’t been able to figure out.
I stared at the door for Goddess-knew how long. A deep, rumbling pressure tore at my insides, desperate to escape, to be set free for the first time in over a year. A renewed strength coursed through my veins and muscles, a light buzzing tingling across my arms and torso, snaking upward to ignite my cheeks and brighten my eyes into their sharpened, golden hue.
This was it; it was the moment to finally try and transform, to let my wolf run free once more. I had accepted the truth about myself and set it free. I had removed the chains from that part of myself, and it was ready to express its gratitude.
And I was ready—I was itching to let it free. I could run to the woods right now and feel my limbs crack into place, the tufts of my fur growing across my body, the crunching of freshly fallen leaves under my paws as I dashed through the forest, the entire space surrounding me in a cocoon of comfort and peace.
It all sounded perfect.
But I hesitated; there was an even better time to let it out. A better moment to reclaim who I was. I just couldn’t face it alone.
I picked up my Comms from the side of my desk, dialing a familiar name.
“Hey, little shadow, to what do I owe the pleasure of your call?” Ollie teased, his typical goofy grin plastered on his lips through the screen.
