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“Aren’t they just using you, too?”
“I have more autonomy than I’ve ever had.”
“Is it necessary, though?”
“I will do what’s necessary to protect those close to me.” Raf sips his wine and then looks at me. The edges of his mouth twitch up into the faintest smile. He isn’t mad that I’m pushing him on this. If anything, it looks like he respects me for it. I doubt he‘s willing to talk about this to very many people. Especially outsiders.
He’s in it not so much for power, but to not be powerless. I understand that.
“Do you have plans to go back to LA?” It’s his turn now. This is what he needed to ask me.
“I don’t know. I don’t really know what the situation here is yet. But if I did go back, I would want to start over in some ways.”
"What do you mean?”
“Just that being here again has brought some things to the surface that I haven’t thought about in a while. I could have stayed here. I could have gone to culinary school at Drexel, they have a great program.” My throat catches and I can feel my palms starting to sweat. I’ve never admitted this to anyone, but Raf has a way of making me want to let my guard down.
“But I felt like I needed to do it on my own. My aunt and uncle treated me like their own after my mom disappeared. But I just needed to prove that I could do it all on my own somewhere far away, where no one owed me any favors. When I finished school, I got a job in LA. It was working, so I kind of ended up staying. I knew I could come back and work with my uncle, but it seemed like the easy way out, like I would only have come back because I failed on my own.” It sounds stupid saying it out loud.
“But I don’t know. I don’t know where I want to be now.”
Raf nods. I don’t know what made me say all that, but at least he’s listening.
“Do you feel like what you’re doing now is the easy way out?”
I laugh despite myself. “No. It definitely doesn’t. Maybe I needed my life flipped upside down to see it clearly.”
Raf sets his glass down and looks me in the eye. “I would never call someone a failure for accepting help when they needed it. That’s one of the hardest things I’ve ever had to do.”
Raf’s words bounce around inside me. They make sense. I know it’s true. I’ve refused to ask for help even when I could have used it. And I usually turn down help when it’s offered. Often, it’s for good reason. Not all help is equal, especially when men offer to help women. I hate the idea of being indebted to anyone. I guess that’s another thing Uncle Allen and I shared.
I feel raw from the conversation. Like I’ve been opened up and inspected. But Raf met me there. He shared more than is comfortable for him too.
“How’s the gnocchi?” Raf asks, bringing us back to lighter conversation.
“It’s great.” He tries a bit of my gnocchi and I try some of his lasagna.
“On our next date,” Raf points his fork at me and smiles.
I smile back at him, “Oh. Yeah? Already planning the next one?”
“I am. And on our next one, I’ll cook dinner.”
“You cook?” It’s not something he ever mentioned before.
“I do. I’m no chef, but I enjoy it and it hasn’t killed anybody.”
“Well, with those reviews, how can I turn you down?”
I’m feeling closer to Raf as we finish eating. His intentions seem true. And I love the way he looks at me. When our plates are removed, Raf asks if I want dessert. I lean toward him, accidentally brushing my foot against his leg under the table. I don’t pull it away.
“What if I made you dessert?” I offer.
“I like the sound of that.”
“We could go to your place and make it there.”
“M-hm.” He leans in and smiles back at me.
