AllFreeNovel
Share Us
9
KLEIN
"The aftermathof the shootout was… it was like a bomb had dropped downtown.” I try to explain to Andre what it was like. I don’t really want to try and relive it all, but I know it’s better for me to talk about it.
Andre knows I should talk about it too. That’s why he came over my apartment after work the today.
I told Andre about Mateo protecting me. Now I’m recounting the eerie scene after Mateo left and I turned back to the courthouse.
“It was such a bright day, everything was vivid,” I tell Andre as he sits on the stool at my kitchen counter. “At first glance, it looked… just… busy. But as I started to take in the details and saw the number of people laying on the ground… or crouched around other people on the ground… it made everything feel wrong. Like my brain just couldn’t make sense of what I was seeing.”
Andre looks into his glass, still listening.
“Everywhere, people were screaming, in pain or trying to shake people awake. Yelling orders or crying for help. But it all just blended together into chaotic noise.
I saw my co-workers all crowded around someone who had been hit. Later, I found out it was Blaine.”
“Hm,” Andre nods. He recognizes his name. I haven’t told Andre about many of my colleagues, but I have complained to him about Blaine a few times. He hit on me pretty aggressively during my first few weeks in the office.
“It sounds like he’ll be okay,” I add.
Andre nods. “What did you do?”
“I felt like I couldn’t do anything,” I say. “I’ve never felt more helpless. But then I saw someone lying on the ground by herself. I didn’t know if she was alive or dead. I ran over to see if I could help her and saw that she was bleeding out of her side. I took off my jacket and pressed it against her wound. She flinched and stirred a bit and she started moaning. I was so relieved she was still alive, but that’s when things really hit me. That’s when I think I really started to feel scared. More scared than during the actual shootout.
The thought that this person might die right here. And that I might be the last person talking to her, or the last person to see her. It haunts me.
I kept telling her ‘you’re going to be okay, you’re going to be okay.’ But I had no idea. It’s all I could say.
I don’t know her, but I recognized her. She sometimes reports on trials. I’ve seen her a few times, but I’d never spoken to her.”
I don’t know how to explain the next part. I down some of my drink as if it will help.
“I was kneeling over her, holding my jacket against her. The whole time I was looking into her face. I know I recognized her. But I can’t remember seeing her face when I was right over her. I remember looking at her. I remember recognizing her. But I don’t remember anything I saw when I was looking at her… It’s like my mind just blurred it all out.”
Andre watches me intently, but doesn’t say anything.
“I don’t know if my mind was trying to protect me or what… It’s a fucking weird feeling. Like your mind is refusing reality or something.”
Andre nods. I’m glad he doesn’t think I’m insane. Or if he does, I’m thankful that he doesn’t tell me so.
“I’m not sure how long I was with her. Ambulances started arriving. Finally, I felt someone pulling me away from her and the EMTs took her away. Last I heard she was still in intensive care.”
“I’m just thankful that you weren’t hurt,” Andre says quietly. “It could have been way worse.”
I appreciate that he is glad I’m okay. But I still feel a strange sense of guilt. What if I hadn’t gone over to talk to Mateo? What if he hadn’t protected me? And there’s something else that’s been nagging at the back of my mind.
“If I hadn’t followed the tip off about the bust,” I say to Andre, “those guys wouldn’t have been in court that day. The attack wouldn’t have happened.”
“You can’t think about it that way. There are so many ‘what ifs.’ It’s not your fault those guys attacked the courthouse. You were only doing what you thought was right.”
“I always thought it would be easier to recognize the right thing to do.”
Andre frowns at me.
“I thought working for the DA would give me the chance to do the right things,” I explain. “Even beyond this case and the attack, it feels like it’s so hard to know if I’m actually helping anyone.”
“I think it’s normal to have doubts,” Andre says. “Especially after something like this.”
