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She looked down at the ground and saw the knife that I should have kicked away, but I was too shocked. It all happened so fast.
After staring at the blood-stained knife, as though trying to make sense of what happened, Savvie shifted her gaze to me. “Mannie, what the fuck have you been doing?”
I bit my lip, which trembled like mad. Normally, I would middle-finger anyone wanting to get into my fucked-up head, but Savvie had let me into hers, and I felt like I owed her something.
I picked up the knife, wiped it with toilet paper, flicked it back into its case, then popped it back into my bag.
Staring at me with expectation written all over her face, Savvie pointed at my leg. “Why hurt yourself like that?”
She unravelled the toilet paper and handed it to me. “Here, clean yourself up, then we can put a plaster on it.”
I sat there on the toilet, looking pathetic, I imagined, unable to move. The shock of being caught overwhelmed me, and tears poured out like the blood spurting from my cut. I’d cut deeper than usual.
My heart felt like it was going to tear apart. I couldn’t face her, let alone all my shit buried in a cupboard, bursting with torn memories that needed mending or to be tossed out.
Burying my face in my hands, I wanted to curl up somewhere and hide.
She joined me on the ground and held my hand.
“Listen. I thought of killing myself a few times. I know how you feel. Like you’re being swallowed up by a dark cloud and can’t find a way out.”
That I wasn’t expecting. Savvie seemed to glide through life, even when walking, like she was about to burst into a dance.
“Oh?” was all I could say. I wasn’t good at that kind of deep reveal. No one had ever been interested enough to confide in me before. “But you have everything.” I went to the basin, where I cleaned and bandaged my cut.
“There were some pretty dark moments in my life with Bram. I’m sure you know what I mean.”
“Oh, that sex tape.” I grimaced. “Sorry for making fun of you that time. I wasn’t really in a good place. I’m still not.” I gave a dark chuckle at that understatement.
“Anyway, Mannie.” She smiled tightly. “You don’t mind me calling you that?”
“No. I love it.” I smiled, and a streak of sunshine melted some of the ice in my heart. Interesting what a chat with someone who’d also done some freaky shit could do.
We stood at the mirror, and I fixed my face. I dabbed my eyes to clean away the makeup. “So much for waterproof.”
She nodded. “Tell me about it. I’ve had my tear fests and ended up looking like some psycho clown.”
I laughed at that silly image before going dead serious again. “Please don’t tell anyone. Not even Carson.”
She crossed her heart. “No. I get it. But hey, you need help, sweetie. It’s not good to do that. How often have done this to yourself?”
I stared down at my feet. “Lost count really.”
Her brows gathered. “Really? How old were you the first time?”
“Maybe seven.” I swallowed tightly.
Shaking her head in disbelief, Savvie asked, “Why? I mean, doesn’t it hurt?”
“That’s the idea.” I took a deep breath. Tears burned again. My throat choked back a sob. I’d never shared that about myself before.
“Oh. I’m sorry. Why don’t we go somewhere for a coffee? I don’t mind. Carson and Declan will understand.”
“You’d do that? You’d leave what looks like a great night to listen to my crappy story?”
She smiled. “There are a million of these parties. You know that.”
Yes, they liked to party. And I loved that about the family. Who didn’t like a party?
