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“That is unhelpful,” she said. “How am I to make sense of these feelings when no other has made me act this way or say as much as I am now?”
“Stop.” I reached out to grab her arms. “For if you say any more, I shall think I am dreaming.”
“I cannot stop, that is the problem. I keep wondering how? How does one come to like someone so suddenly? Is it possible that maybe your soul and mine recognized something within each other before our minds did, thus reason cannot apply?”
I knew that this moment with her would be one I would never forget. However, I could not allow myself to let my feelings overcome me.
Taking her hands, I felt the thundering in my heart grow louder as my voice grew quieter. “I am delighted by the fact you hold any sort of feeling for me, Verity. These words are like medicine to my soul. But I must be honest, had I known there was even the slightest possibility you would care for me, I never would have spoken my true feelings.”
“I do not understand…why?”
“Because nothing can come from this but pain, Verity. You are a lady, I am an illegitimate son of a nobleman. Such a match would never be accepted. And thus, it is better not to mention it.”
“Better for whom?”
“You.”
“Should I not be the judge of that?”
I shook my head. “Society judges, and you do not know how vicious it can be to those that go against it.”
“Do not think me so naïve on that front, I am quite aware. My family has had a great number of scandals—”
“Titled men can weather the storm of scandals, while women are crushed upon the waves. Your father and brother are not the same.”
The frown on her face was heavy, and her eyes clearly confused. “Are you…rejecting me?”
“I am begging you to reject me.” I hung my head for I wished…oh, how I wished. But I would not have her hurt because of me.
“No.”
At that, I glanced up to her, confused. “No?”
“Yes. As in no, I will not reject you based on your birth, and I ask you to show me the same courtesy, for it is ridiculous—”
“Verity.”
“If you wish a reason to reject me let it be this.” She held up the vial for me to see and I felt she was desperately trying to change the subject to keep me from saying the truth. “It is a tonic I drink, as I have suffered from nightmares for years. Sometimes, I find that I cannot move. Other times, I awaken in a cold sweat or tears.”
Immediately, I remembered her brother speaking to me of this very condition. I thought he had been referring to himself, even when he denied it, as most men of his status would not admit to such an affliction. Never had it occurred to me he had been talking about her.
“The only people I have spoken to about this are my brother and Dr. Cunningham. The latter, of course, prescribed me this. It worked for a time but has stopped being effective recently.”
It was only then that I found the power within myself to go toward her. Taking the vial from her soft hands, I uncorked it and sniffed.
“Do you know the contents of it?”
She shook her head. “Is it dangerous?”
“I am not sure. But I would not think so if you’ve had no other symptoms. It is not unusual for medicines to lose effectiveness over time. How long have you used this one?” I looked down at her, and I should not have because once again, my thoughts were scattered to the winds. The shameful look upon her face…I wished to reach out and touch her. “There is nothing for you to be ashamed of. At some point in time, every last person, from the strongest to the richest, or wisest, will seek some sort of aid.”
“Five years,” she whispered. “Dr. Cunningham has given me various others throughout that time. You say at some point, we will all need aid, but for me, it feels as though it has always been so. I’ve come to accept it, and this was my remedy.”
“When your brother spoke to me of this, he made it seem as though no medicine had yet been prescribed—”
“My brother told you?” She looked mortified, as if she had not just told me as well.
“Yes. However, he did not say it was you. I thought he was speaking for himself.”
She relaxed. “Oh, and what did you say?”
“I told him that nightmares are often rooted in other issues and feelings. This medicine is most likely to help ease your body and mind. However, the more you take it, the more you shall need, as your body has become resistant to it.”
“Are you telling me I ought to stop taking it?”
