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Embarrassment wasn’t enough to express how I’d felt.
I felt alone.
I was alone.
And I was on the verge of losing my vision.
My father never came back to pick me up. I ended up using an app to order a ride home, and when I got there, Dad was nowhere to be found yet again. I spent hours raging about the fact that the asshole couldn’t even manage to be a parent for more than fifteen minutes. When I needed him the most, he couldn’t even be bothered to stay.
My rage only built as time passed because for some reason, it was easier for me to be pissed at my father than to deal with the reality of my situation.
I hated him.
I knew I should’ve given him the benefit of the doubt as Weston told me, but I couldn’t muscle up the fuck to give.
Screw him for not being there for me.
The wrong parent died.
That was one of the darkest thoughts to cross my mind, and I felt like an asshole for even thinking about it. But I had. I felt even worse because I believed it. What kind of monster did that make me? What did that say about my character?
When Dad stumbled into the house around seven that night, he was wasted out of his mind. I felt a certain rage build up inside me, looking at the shape he was in. How selfish of him to get behind the wheel like that. It was as if he had no care in the world for the other people on the road. For how his driving could’ve caused another to lose their life.
That was how Starlet lost her mother. A person got behind the wheel, thinking they were fine, and clearly, they weren’t. People like my father were the reason people like Starlet didn’t have their loved ones anymore.
He dropped his keys seconds later and scratched at his wild beard. When he looked up, his eyes were bloodshot. He looked like the walking dead.
“You left me,” I muttered. I didn’t even know why I was talking to him because it was obvious he wasn’t in a clear state of mind.
“I’m sorry. I ran out for a drink, and when I got back, I guess you were gone.”
“You didn’t call me.”
“My phone died. Forgot to charge it.”
“Where have you been since then? The appointment was hours ago.”
“What is this? Fifty questions? Don’t forget who’s the parent here, boy.” He brushed past me toward the kitchen and opened the fridge to grab another beer. That was what he didn’t need—more poison for his soul.
Maybe I was a hypocrite, seeing how I’d drink, too, but not like him.
Never like him.
“How did that eye appointment go, anyway?” he asked as he plopped down on the recliner in the living room. He burped as he cracked open the can and took a long swig.
I stared at him for a moment, considering what to tell him.
I’m going blind, Dad, and I’m scared. I’m going blind, Dad, and I need you. I’m going blind, Dad, and I don’t know how to deal with this without you in my corner. I’m going blind, and I miss Mom. I miss her so much that it hurts to breathe. And I miss you even more, even though you’re right here in the room with me.
Those were the words I wanted to say.
Those were the truths I’d wished I could speak about.
Instead, I said, “Fine. I’m going to do my homework.”
“Good,” he agreed. “Keep those grades up, will you? Don’t be a dummy.”
I didn’t reply because I knew that it wasn’t my father who was talking. That was a man who surrendered himself to his demons. I watched him be torn apart day after day, and there was nothing I could do to help him.
That night, I slept with my lights on. When my alarm went off in the morning, I still felt nothing but darkness.
As I headed to the lake in the morning to watch the sunrise, I was surprised to see a person sitting there on my bench. As I grew closer, they turned to face me, and I felt a tug in my chest. There she was, sitting there in my most sacred spot, waiting for me.
The relief that swept over me felt like a calming balm to my tired soul. How did Starlet know? How did she know I’d need her that morning? My eyes stung, and my knees almost buckled as I walked her way.
I smiled a bit, almost embarrassed to show how much her being there meant to me. “Hey, Teach.”
Starlet was bundled up, rubbing her hands together. “Good morning.”
“What are you doing here?”
“I hear this spot has the best sunrises.”
“I can cosign that fact. It does indeed.” I took a seat beside her, so close that our bodies were brushed up against one another. The lake was semi-frozen. Areas had flowing water, while others were big chunks of solid ice. Soon enough, spring would sweep through and melt it all away.
