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Everything felt overwhelming, but I did know one thing. I didn’t trust myself driving anymore. What if everything went black as it had in class? What if I’d put others lives in danger by being on the road? I was losing a sense of independence, and that broke me more than I thought it would. I wasn’t good at asking for help. That never came easy to me.
“I need you to drive me to school each day,” I said. Those words felt ridiculous as they left my mouth. Dad sat on the couch, which seemed to be his norm whenever he was actually home. He’d never slept in his bedroom since Mom passed away. I’d always find him knocked out on that couch instead. Coming to him for help felt crazy, seeing how he could hardly help himself.
“What’s wrong with your car?” he asked.
“Nothing. I just can’t drive.”
“Why the hell not? Did you get a ticket or something? What did you do?”
A twitch of anger hit me, but I tried my best to stay calm. “I didn’t do anything wrong.”
“Clearly, you did if you’re not allowed to drive.”
“No, I didn’t. You would’ve known the reason I couldn’t drive if you hadn’t ditched me at the doctor’s appointment.”
He grimaced and shook his head. “I came back for you. Your ass just wasn’t patient, that’s all.”
“Whatever. I need you to drive me to school.”
He scratched at the back of his neck. “I’m busy. I’ll get you money so you can get someone to pick you up. Maybe one of your friends can take you.”
“Dad—”
“I don’t really have it in me to go back and forth this morning, Milo. It’s seven in the damn morning and—”
“I’m losing my sight,” I blurted out, feeling annoyed and angry with him. He didn’t even ask what was said at the doctor’s appointment. He hadn’t even questioned the reason why I couldn’t drive. He didn’t care. Not a single part of that man that cared.
“Bullshit,” he replied.
“I am. That’s what the doctor’s appointment was about. I have this issue with my sight, and there’s no cure.”
“Can’t glasses help?”
“No. It’s more serious than that.”
He sat up on the couch. “Like you’re going blind?”
I nodded.
He cleared his throat. His head dropped, and he muttered something under his breath. I paused to see what exactly he was saying or thinking. Instead, he pushed himself up from the couch and walked past me.
“I’m going to go wash up. I’ll drive you in a minute,” he told me.
He headed to the bathroom and shut the door behind him. I heard him slam the counter and say “Fuck!” repeatedly.
A few minutes later, he came out of the bathroom, grabbed his keys, and headed out to the car. “Let’s go.”
I pretended not to notice the bloodshot eyes he’d had when he exited the bathroom. He pulled up to the school and put the car in park. He turned my way. “You got more of them appointments?”
“I have a few, yeah.”
“It’s that serious?”
“Yeah. It’s that serious.”
His head dropped, and he shook it. “What the hell am I supposed to do about this? How am I supposed to…this was your mom’s role. She was better equipped for—”
“She’s gone.” I interrupted. “She’s gone, Dad. You have to face that fact.”
“I know. I know, all right? You don’t have to remind me. I know she’s…” His words faded off.
“Dead,” I finished. “She’s dead. Like it or not, you’re all I’ve got, and I need you right now. I need you, Dad, all right? I need you.”
Tears began to fall from his eyes, and he sniffled. He wiped at his face. “Okay. All right. I hear you, okay? I’ll be there. I got you.”
My chest tightened from seeing him fall apart. He normally hid that side of himself from me. I wanted to say something to comfort him, but I didn’t think words would be able to do that. Instead, I told him what time to pick me up, and he agreed to be there. There was a chance he would be a no-show again. But I hoped he’d make it.
I prayed he’d be there for me.
Every night before I fell asleep, I’d receive a text message from Starlet telling me she was in my corner. She was my biggest cheerleader and offered any form of support she could shoot my way. When I felt too overwhelmed, she’d meet me at the lake. We’d watch the sunrise together before I walked her back to her car, buckled her in, and I’d steal a kiss from her. That kiss got me through the rest of the day most of the time. Before, I needed sex and booze to distract me, but now, all I needed was Starlet and her kisses. Starlet and her comfort. Starlet. All I needed was her.
Our tutoring schedule shifted due to all the appointments I’d had in front of me, and the nights I didn’t get to see her only made me crave mornings even more.
