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I found my grounding.
I found my peace.
He leaned against the doorframe. His eyes were bloodshot, and he looked exhausted. “Hi.”
“Hi,” I whispered. I gave him a small smile. “Okay?”
He sniffled a bit and pushed out a smile and nodded. “Okay.”
I crashed into his arms, and he pulled me in tight, holding me as close as he could. I refused to let him go, too. I’d stay in his arms as long as he needed.
“Okay,” he repeated, resting his chin on the top of my head.
Okay.
CHAPTER 33
Starlet
My world had turned completely upside-down, leaving me feeling more lost than ever before. I knew I needed help to get my life back on track, but I wasn’t sure if my path was made for me anymore.
“I don’t know what I’m doing with my life,” I stated as I sat across from my college adviser’s desk. “I feel as if I don’t even know who I am anymore.” It had been a week since Principal Gallo found out what had been happening between Milo and me, a week since Milo’s dad went off to rehab.
For the past week, my focus had been getting Milo to all his appointments and helping him out the best I could. At times, I felt as if he saw himself as a burden, but I didn’t want him to feel that way. Being able to be there for him felt good, finally. But I’d be lying if I said helping him seemed like a good reason to avoid my own issues.
It was time I faced the music with feeling so lost as of late, and saying those words out loud felt like I finally released the breath I’d been holding for months.
Mrs. Marvin had been my adviser for the past few years, and I’d never found myself sitting in her office. I had to go digging through my paperwork to even recall who my adviser was. I’d never needed guidance on my life choices before because I was so convinced that I was on the right path. Clearly, I’d been misguided for some time now.
“That’s okay,” Mrs. Marvin said, smiling my way as if I didn’t just tell her that I was having a complete identity crisis.
I arched an eyebrow. “Did you not hear me? I said I don’t know what I’m doing with my life.”
“Yes, I heard you. And that’s fine. You’re young and learning the ins and outs of yourself, Starlet. You’re not supposed to have it all figured out yet.”
“I’m a junior. I only have one more year of college. No offense, but I feel like the clock is ticking louder and louder each day.”
She kept smiling.
That annoyed me a bit.
“I looked over your records, Starlet, and it appears you are a great student. You have stellar grades—”
“I did get a C on a paper this semester.”
“I have students who come into my office thrilled by their C papers.”
I sighed. “You know the crazy part about it? I didn’t even care that I got a C. It felt good not to have to be so perfect for once in a while.” I groaned and rubbed my hands over my face. “What’s happening to me?”
“Burnout. It happens to the best of us. The problem is you students have so much pressure put on you to have it all figured out right at the age of eighteen. That’s a crazy concept if I’m honest. You’d be shocked by how many people come in freshman year thinking they want one thing and leaving senior year with a completely different plan of action.”
“What advice do you give them?”
“Pivot. Change directions. That’s more than allowed.”
“Even this late in the game?”
“I have people sitting where you are a semester before their graduation. It’s never too late to change the life you’re living. It’s the bravest thing you can do. So what do you want, Starlet?”
“That’s the thing. I don’t know. I don’t have the slightest clue what I want.”
“What a fun place to be because that means the sky is the limit. I think it’s about time you start trying some different things or writing out a list of things you’re into.”
I don’t even know what I’m into, I thought to myself.
I felt as if my life was a blank canvas, and I had no idea how to paint.
“Here’s some homework for you,” Mrs. Marvin said. I sat straighter. Homework was good. I was great with homework, minus that dang C. “I want you to make a list of fifteen things you like. Fifteen things that make you happy. Then I want you to come back to me.”
“Oh. That’s easy enough. Okay. I can do that.”
Fifteen things that made me happy? That would be a walk in the park.
“I’ll have the list to you by next week,” I told her confidently.
Spoiler alert: naming fifteen things that made me happy was not a walk in the park. I’d been staring at my notebook with the page numbered one through fifteen with no progress at all. The only thing that saved me from the despair of my nonexistant list was Whitney calling and asking me to go out for lunch with her.
