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That was my biggest fear. I didn’t want to be the reason Starlet lived with regrets.
After the session, we all said our goodbyes. Henry and Bobby called out to me and invited me out for ice cream the following Sunday.
“You two hang out outside of the sessions?” I asked, somewhat surprised.
“Well, he is my grandfather, after all,” Bobby mentioned.
“Stepgrandfather,” Henry corrected. “His mother married my son a few years back. They met at one of the family gatherings the group did. Now, this kid is stuck in my life forever. Anyway, we get ice cream every Sunday at Taylor’s Ice Cream Parlor at noon. You’re more than welcome to join.”
“I’d like that. Thanks.”
“And, Milo? Don’t pay much attention to what Greg was saying. He can be a real jerk. And I should know, seeing how I’m the biggest jerk.”
“Yeah, thanks.” I heard Henry’s words, but Greg’s were louder that night. I headed out of the building to find Starlet sitting in her Jeep, waiting for me.
I climbed into the passenger seat, and she smiled. I wished she didn’t do that. It made it harder for me to think straight.
“Hey, how was the meeting?” she asked.
“Good. It was good,” I lied. I felt awful.
“I’m glad. While you were in there, I was looking up some different apps that can help with your vision.”
I arched my eyebrow. “I thought you were going to be working on your homework.”
She shrugged. “I’ll get to that later on.”
That was enough to push me over the edge that Starlet didn’t even know I was dangling from.
That night we’d stayed up too late watching yet another movie, but my mind was everywhere but on the film.
“We should go to bed,” I said, standing from the couch.
She held her arms out toward me, and I picked her up. I carried her to the bedroom and laid her down. She pulled me toward her and kissed me. I kissed her back. First slowly, then deeply, then as if it were the last kiss the two of us would share.
She began to remove my clothes, and I let her. She began sucking my earlobes and licking my neck, and I welcomed it. I wanted her that night. Probably more than I’d ever wanted her before.
“Should I shut off the lights?” she asked me.
I shook my head. “Can we leave them on? I want to see all of you.” Every inch, every piece, every curve.
This time as we slept together, it was different from all the times before. We were making love that night. I’d never made love before her, and I knew I’d never do it with another soul. Love was something so new to me. I didn’t expect her love to travel to so many areas of my world. Her love lived within the small moments. The quiet ones. The gentle easing of harsh storms. It was in her soft embraces and slow kisses. It lay upon my skin pressed against hers. It was the indulgent caresses of our souls. It was in her eyes, and I knew it was in mine.
True love.
I took in every move she’d made against me that night.
At that moment, I should’ve felt nothing less than bliss. I should’ve found solace in the fact that the most genuine form of love was lying against me. When I looked into Starlet’s eyes, I saw forever. I saw my heart and how it was forever becoming tattered to hers.
That realization terrified me. Because the only thing I’d ever known about love, true love, was how it could break a person. How they could shatter and lose themselves to said love. My father loved my mother, and then she was gone. When she’d left, a part of him died that very same day. I was watching it happen with Starlet, too, with her dreams and her ambitions. She was letting them die all in the name of love. All because of me.
The saddest truth about true love was at the end of the day. It could only lead to true heartbreak.
As we made love, as her brown eyes locked with mine, I felt it in my chest. The aching that would one day come. The hurt that would one day develop within either me or her soul. Because even though it was true, love couldn’t ever beat death.
While my mind should’ve chosen to live in the moment, to flourish in the minutes, in the seconds of my time with Starlet, I couldn’t allow it.
My heart was breaking because I loved her too much.
My soul ached because there would come a day when our love would have an ending.
I was so tired of endings. Endings made me never want to begin anything again.
My head turned slightly, and I closed my eyes. I felt tears forming as I tried to slow down my mind. To not let my fears, my anxiety, and my panic overtake something that was supposed to be so beautiful.
