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With that, he strode back inside the building, leaving me to my thoughts, but not alone.
Nope. Never alone.
In this place, someone was always watching.
“West, you have mail,” Dr. Gresham announced when he stood outside of my open room door the next week.
I blankly looked up at him. He walked in and handed it to me, taking a seat on the chair in my room since I wasn’t allowed to have paper. He would confiscate these after I finished reading them.
West,
Fuck, baby, where do I even begin? I fucking miss you—I miss you like hell. I know that much. Shit sucks without you here. I miss your warmth, miss seeing you smile when Hope does something amazing in your eyes. I fucking miss those expressive, beautiful, green eyes.
When Dr. Gresham told me that you told me and Jessie to move on, I told him to tell you I said to stop being a fucking idiot. We’ll never give up on you, darlin’. You’re it for us—have been for fucking years. Ever since you, there’s never been another woman for me.
Don’t give up, baby. Not now. Not after all the progress you’ve already made. Don’t let that darkness drag you down.
Remember what I always say to you?
You have a fucking heart of gold, West.
And that light in your soul? It will always save your life. I just need you to look for it. It’s there. It’s trying to shine, baby. It’s trying so fucking hard, but you have to let it through. The moment you stop trying to destroy yourself and finally allow that beautiful light through, you’ll see that strength inside of you that I always see whenever I look at you.
I love you. Hope loves you. We fucking miss you, baby. So, don’t give up. If you give up, Hope will never have another mom. Jessie and I will never move on, West.
So, even if you can’t fight for yourself, fight for her. She deserves it, baby.
I love you. Be strong, and fucking let that light shine, baby. Stop fighting it so much.
With so much fucking love,
Lincoln
Tears were pouring down my cheeks. I knew if anyone would be capable of making me feel something, it would be Lincoln and Jessie.
And I was so thankful for it because I’d been feeling numb for a while now, and it was killing me inside. But I’d felt like everything was hopeless.
Baby girl,
I know it’s dark right now. I know it’s so fucking hard to push through it all, but West, don’t give up.
I want you to look deep inside of yourself, and I want you to find that girl that never fucking gave up. She always found the strength to stand strong—somehow, someway. When hell came blasting into her face, she tilted her chin up, and she screamed at that torture, never letting it drag her down. She wore her darkness as fucking armor.
I need you to find her. Hope needs you to find her, baby.
You’ve been so lost for so fucking long, West.
You have to find yourself again. Stop hating the girl you were and learn to embrace the parts of her that always kept you alive.
Hope, Lincoln, and I will be here waiting on you when you do.
And when you find her, baby girl, I want you to fucking scream and fucking fight back.
You’ve always been a fighter. You used to never go down without a fight.
It’s time to fight again, West.
So, look inside of yourself, find her, join her, and fucking fight. Stop hating her. Learn to love her, just as I love you, baby girl. Every fucking part of you—even the parts of you that you think are dark and ugly.
I love you, baby girl.
Your man,
Jessie
Silently, Dr. Gresham took the letters from me and left the room, leaving me alone.
I sobbed, dropping my face into my hands. I didn’t know how to find that girl. That girl had been trying to survive her mom, her ex, and everyone that surrounded them. I refused to show them weakness.
Back then, giving up was the biggest fucking weakness of all.
I sniffled.
But wasn’t that what I was doing now?
Fucking giving up when I should be surviving?
If so, why the fuck couldn’t I find that strength within me?
Look inside of yourself, find her, join her, and fucking fight.
I fisted my hands, looking up at the ceiling.
I was going to do this.
I was going to survive.
Some fucking how, some fucking way, I would live.
For Hope.
From now on, everything was for Hope until I could find it within me to do it for myself.
It was going to be hard though. It was going to be so damn hard to get better, to push through this darkness.
The moment you stop trying to destroy yourself and finally allow that beautiful light through, you’ll see that strength inside of you that I always see whenever I look at you.
