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I didn’t see that light right now, but I vowed I would find it, and I vowed that I would find that young girl inside of me again. I would prove to her that people loved us, that we were better than our mother, and she would show me how to be strong again.
I’d lost her during my nervous breakdown—had hated her so much, that I shoved her down until I could no longer feel her. That fire in my personality had been missing since then. But for Hope, for Lincoln and Jessie, I would find her again. My light combined with her fire would destroy everything trying to tear us down.
I closed my eyes.
Hope, Mommy is going to become stronger—for you—because I am not my mother. I will be everything you need and more; I promise.
42
West
The next morning, I forced myself to shower, determined to start my day off at least motivated.
Though I didn’t really feel motivated really. But I could fake it, right?
Fake it ‘til you make it and all that jazz.
I just kept reminding myself that I was doing this for Hope. Everything right now was for Hope until I could find it in myself to want to do it for myself, too.
I was at least still determined to not be my mother, to not turn out like she did. I would not let my little girl down. And I hated that I almost had. I would have basically abandoned her just like my mother abandoned me if I committed suicide.
I was brushing out my wet hair when Dr. Gresham knocked lightly on my door, announcing his presence. I called out a quick, “Come in,” before I focused back on trying to get all of the tangles out of my hair.
“We have a new combination of medications waiting on you at the nurse’s station,” Dr. Gresham informed me. I stayed silent, waiting on him to elaborate on what medications they would be. “We’re going to start you off with Rexulti and escitalopram,” he informed me. “Rexulti is an antipsychotic, and escitalopram is an antidepressant. We’re going to closely monitor you and titrate your medications as we need, but I’m confident that this combination will work best for you.”
“And if it doesn’t?” I asked him.
“Then, we try a different combination.” I set my brush down on the counter and turned off my bathroom light. “Come on. Let’s go take your first dosage, and then you need to eat breakfast. After breakfast, we’re going to go see Meghan. She’s going to teach you how to dance to use as an outlet.”
I shook my head. “I’m not a dancer,” I told him. The mere thought of exercise was disgusting.
Dr. Gresham shrugged. “You can always learn, West.”
Meghan gave me a small smile when I stepped into the dance studio later that morning after breakfast. “Hey,” she whispered.
I only waved, kind of shocked to see her here. She always worked in the painting room when she worked. I had no idea that Meghan could dance.
She ran her hand over the ballet bar. “When I first met Julian in college, I was a hip-hop dancer,” she informed me. “I used to think it was helping me cope, but in all reality, it was part of what destroyed me because I used to dance so much that I blocked out everything else, including those that just wanted to help me.” A frown tugged at her lips. “I lost my first baby because of it.”
“I’m sorry,” I told her, and I meant it from the bottom of my heart. I’d seen the painting over their fireplace and knew how much that painting meant to both her and Julian.
It was of Oliver—their first baby. And she’d painted it herself.
“I told Dr. Gresham that I wanted to teach you how to dance, that maybe it would help you,” she told me. “At least while you’re here.”
“Okay,” I said softly.
A small smile tilted her lips, and she walked to me. With her guidance, we worked through the stretches, and then, she started me on some beginner steps.
And…I didn’t hate it.
Lincoln
I looked up at Meghan when she stepped up onto our porch. Julian was close on her heels. He didn’t look happy, but he also looked resigned, as if he wasn’t winning a fight with her.
Jessie stepped out onto the porch, the baby monitor clipped to his belt. “How is she?” he asked.
Meghan sighed. “She’s doing the best she can, I suppose,” she informed us. Fuck, that was better than she was doing. It’d been so bad at first that Dr. Gresham hadn’t allowed her any contact with West. “She actually showered today, and Dr. Gresham said that’s a rare occurrence, but he said she seemed more determined after reading your letters to her.”
I leaned my head back and stared up at the roof of the porch for a moment. Fuck, I missed her. Jessie and I both felt her absence here. The house just didn’t feel the same without her. And she had already missed Hope’s first milestone. She was rolling front to back and back to front with ease now whenever she wanted.
