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Nolan said, “I didn’t think you’d have a problem with stuff like that.”
I scrunched my nose. “What stuff?”
He motioned to the screen. “People who are…gay.”
“I don’t. I just… I mean, I’ve seen plenty of lesbian stuff online.”
“Porn, right?” Nolan asked in a shaky voice.
“Uh-huh. Guess I’ve never really watched two guys before. It’s hard to turn away.”
We grew silent as one of the men sank to his knees in front of the other and began fiddling with the button on his jeans.
Nolan lifted the remote and paused the screen. “Have you ever…wondered about other guys?”
“Not really.” The response came automatically because it was true. Or had been. Until this past month. “Have you?”
“No.” He cleared his throat. “It’s just…we’ve been sleeping in the same bed, and if anyone found out, we’d probably be mortified or have trouble explaining it.”
“Yeah, guess so.” I twisted one of the pillows in my hands. “I did tell my therapist.”
“You what?” His gaze jerked toward me. “What did you tell her?”
“That sleeping with you is comforting and makes me feel safe.”
Nolan was quiet for a long beat, as if processing the words.
“That’s okay, right? That I told her? You should just be honest if this is too much or too weird.”
“No, I…I already admitted to getting something out of it too. Besides, it doesn’t mean you’re attracted to me or anything.”
“I never thought about it before all this,” I said, more to appease him than myself. I certainly didn’t want to freak him out. “Like, I see that you’re an attractive guy and can understand when you’re approached at the bar.”
“Same.”
Holy shit, Nolan’s admission did something to my stomach.
“But have you ever wondered about other things?” Nolan asked.
“Like what?”
“Have you ever wondered what it might be like, not necessarily with me, but with any guy?”
“I don’t know.” My stomach tightened. “Maybe out of sheer curiosity?”
“Yeah, I hear you.” Nolan blew out a breath and turned back to the television. “Maybe we should turn this off?”
“I…sort of want to see how it ends.”
Nolan settled back with a laugh. “Me too.”
When he clicked Play, the guys carried on with each other, but nothing was explicit—only implied. You could guess he was giving a blowjob from the other guy’s reaction alone, but then they were both standing again, back to front, and were moving together, which made it seem like maybe there was penetration.
“I suppose it’s the same as anal sex with women?” Nolan asked, his voice hoarse, but I couldn’t look at him. I was so fucking hard right then but also goddamned uncomfortable and nervous about what he would think.
“Yeah,” I said. “But I heard men have an enhanced experience because of their anatomy.”
“Huh?”
“You know, the prostate. Like when they tell you to cough at the doctor’s office? Oh God, I do not look forward to that,” I said, thinking about the discomfort and embarrassment of a doctor’s gloved fingers.
“Right?” Nolan cringed. “But in the right context, it could feel good…I guess.”
How the hell did he know that? Had he been doing some research? I was too chicken to ask. Fuck, I felt like one of my students with the way I was acting over a stupid show.
When Nolan moved a pillow to his lap, I had a feeling he was as turned on as me. Holy shit. I didn’t know what to make of it. We’d been close in bed so many times by now. He’d rubbed my back and stroked my hair, and I woke up tangled up with him sometimes, but I never allowed myself to think anything beyond friends being familiar and tender with each other.
After the bathroom scene, the show moved on to other pairings and scenarios, and for some reason, I lost interest, but we still hung in there until the end of the episode.
“I can finally talk about pop culture in the teachers’ lounge. They’ll think I’m even cooler,” I joked, standing.
Nolan swatted me with the pillow. “Arrogant much?”
I chuckled as he trailed behind me to his room.
Crawling into his bed was even more surreal after that show and the subsequent discussion. I briefly considered heading down to my place, but I didn’t want him to think I was freaked out. But even after we’d cut the lights, we lay there, not talking, just staring at the ceiling.
“Ellis, are you…as turned on as me?”
“Yeah,” I admitted. “I guess it goes to show that sex is sex. And that scene we watched was…hot.”
“Yeah, it was.” Nolan sat up. “It might also mean I’m harder up than I thought. I’m gonna go to the bathroom and jerk off so I can fall asleep.”
I didn’t say anything, just watched him go. It wasn’t like we’d never discussed using our hands before, but this felt…different. We’d certainly never watched porn together. And that show wasn’t even in that category.
