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“How confusing what can feel?”
“God, I should’ve never started this conversation.” She stood. “I’m going to excuse myself before I put my foot in my mouth again.”
She got as far as the door before I said, “Wait.”
I didn’t know why I was freaking out so much. And I had a burning desire to know what she had to say but was too afraid to admit it.
She waited as I finally pushed the words from my lips. “Please don’t leave. I just got scared…but I want…I want to know…”
She inched toward me, her gaze filled with sympathy. “I’m bisexual, and all I was going to say was that I know how hard it can be to come to terms with your sexuality. I’m not saying that’s how you identify, and I’m sorry if I overstepped.”
“I’m definitely confused…about my feelings.” I forked my fingers through my hair. “Fuck, is it that obvious?” I thought about Perry’s suspicions. Could he see it too?
“Maybe just to me.” She sat back down. “I used to have a crush on my childhood best friend, but I didn’t realize it until a decade later. The way I used to seek her out and feel a thrill whenever we hung out. Not that you necessarily feel like that about Nolan.”
“I do,” I admitted. Damn, that felt good. “But why haven’t I felt like this before? About guys.”
“It took me a long time to figure it out. It’s not that cut and dried for some people. Who knows why? Maybe society’s standards or not enough representation in media when we were growing up.”
“Yeah, maybe.”
“Does he feel the same?”
“I…I don’t know.” Fuck. I placed my head in my hands. “I’m sorry if I ruined this night for you. I never intended for this to—”
“I know you didn’t.” I felt her hand on my back. “But hey, I’ll be here as a friend if you need me.”
My head sprang up. “You’d still want that?”
“Absolutely.” She smiled. “Maybe we can all hang out sometime.”
“Fuck, thank you. You’re the best and deserve—”
“Don’t. No need. Life is complicated, and we all need someone in our corner.”
“True,” I mused. Damn, did my life feel upside down.
“Maybe it’s time to get honest and clear the air with him.”
“But what if it ruins everything?”
“For some reason, I don’t think it will.”
Shana stayed a while longer. We chatted about our lives and childhoods, and then I walked with her to her car.
“Thank you, Shana. I enjoyed your company. I hope we can be friends.”
“Me too.” She kissed my cheek, and I watched her drive away.
13
Nolan
When there was a knock on the door, my heart clenched. I couldn’t help feeling elation when I pulled it open to see Ellis standing there.
“How was it?” I asked as I let him inside.
Ellis kept his eyes downcast as he followed me to the couch. “Okay, I guess.”
“So then, why did it end?”
We got situated on opposite ends, facing each other.
“You know I rarely do hookups.” He blew out a breath. “And in this case, it didn’t feel right.”
“I’m sorry.” I winced. “Is it because of joining in on the song?”
His cheek quirked with a smile. “Nah, that was pretty epic.”
“I couldn’t help myself,” I admitted. “So…Shana wasn’t what you expected or…?”
“She’s actually really cool. I think we could be friends.”
It grew silent as the air thickened and swirled around us. Ellis fidgeted, twisting the edge of the pillow, and I couldn’t take the tension anymore.
“Just spit it out, Ellis. Whatever’s on your mind.”
He finally looked at me. “What’s going on with us?”
My heart throbbed. “What do you mean?”
“So, it’s just me, then?” He released a shaky breath. “It’s just… I was on a date with a hot girl and was distracted the whole time, wondering what you were up to.”
I inhaled sharply. “It’s because we’ve been spending tons of time together. It doesn’t mean—”
“I think it’s more than that.” His cheeks dotted scarlet.
“If you’re upset with how much I’ve been checking on you and—”
“It’s not just you, Nolan. It’s me reaching out too. What’s happening between us?”
My gut churned, and I wondered if this was the moment we ruined everything. “You mean the jacking off together and stuff?”
Ellis nodded, his bottom lip between his teeth, wariness in his gaze.
“It’s gonna be okay. We’re probably just a little hard up since neither of us has—”
“That’s not how that works,” Ellis countered, and I heard the frustration in his tone.
“Okay, then maybe…we’re not so straight after all? Maybe we’re bi or something else?” I held my breath as his gaze sought mine. Not even Wednesday stretching and meowing dramatically behind him could distract me.
“Just for each other?” Ellis asked, and I exhaled. Holy shit, he felt the same way, and it was such a fucking relief. “But wouldn’t we have known?”
“Maybe not,” I replied. “Maybe our brains never went there for whatever reasons. I’ve done some general internet searches, hunting for answers for myself,” I said, and his eyebrows rose. “I read that for some bisexuals, their attraction to men, women, etc., is not evenly divided. It can be ninety-ten or forty-sixty. So who knows, maybe our recent closeness triggered something for both of us.”
