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Her request feels significant, if for no other reason than she’s admitting she’s willing to let Eden leave without her. But she has to know that’s impossible.
“I can’t take that chance,” I tell her.
“You can’t keep her here forever,” she says.
“I know,” I answer gruffly. “We’ll have to figure it out at some point, but not today.”
She’s quiet for a while, and then she makes a suggestion that drags me back to the past.
“Maybe we should just run away together,” she whispers. “We could set up a life somewhere else.”
My gut twists as my eyes move over her face. She couldn’t know how much those words kill me to hear because it was the very last thing she asked of me. The very last thing I denied her. And I swore if I ever had a chance to do it all over again, I would fix it. Except I can’t.
I pull her against me and kiss the top of her head, hoping to soften the blow of what I have to say next.
“I still haven’t told you some things,” I murmur, “and there are reasons I can’t do that.”
She stiffens, and it should come as no surprise that she doesn’t ask me why. I’ve kept her in the dark and lashed out at her when she’s questioned me before. It hasn’t established a good precedent for these conversations. The psychologist told me I needed to make Bianca feel safe, and it’s obvious she doesn’t. I’ve been reluctant to admit the truth to her because a part of me still doesn’t trust she won’t try to destroy me with it. But when I look at her now, I know I can’t keep it from her forever. Letting her into my world means giving her the ammunition to destroy me. But the alternative ruins us both, regardless.
I reach out and tip her chin up so she has to meet my gaze. “Let’s get dressed. I want to take you somewhere.”
A visible tremor moves through her as her eyes flash with uncertainty, so I kiss her.
“It’s not what you think,” I assure her. “I’d like you to meet someone.”
She relaxes against me and nods, and I wrap my arm around her, hoping this isn’t the dumbest fucking decision I’ve ever made.
Chapter 58
Madden
—PAST—
It’s a Friday afternoon when I get the email I’ve dreaded. The reminder that the truth is never far away and you can’t wash off your sins.
I study Adam’s message, wondering if he knows I’m Stateside. But I can’t find any indication that Mom has told him, no matter how much I try to read between the lines. It’s just another email, like every other one he’s sent in my absence. He talks about business and his plans to expand TCA by establishing clubs in three other states. He fills me in on his golf game, his new Porsche, and his plans for marrying Bianca as soon as she graduates. When I read that part, my mouth fills with acid, and it doesn’t go away.
Over the course of a week and a half, Bianca and I have managed to fall back into our self-destructive pattern. We wanted to pretend there weren’t consequences as she came back here night after night and curled up in my arms. But this is the fucking consequence.
I’m betraying my own brother, and I feel like a piece of shit thinking about him sitting in his office, planning a wedding to the girl I’ve been fucking behind his back. It makes me so goddamn sick I go into the bathroom and vomit up my lunch. And as I’m hunched over the toilet, the dark thoughts begin to creep in all over again.
I consider how much better off everyone would be if I weren’t here. If I just ended it all today. Right now. I close my eyes, and my temples throb, and then I imagine Bianca finding me like that, and I vomit all over again.
She isn’t mine to keep, but for a moment, I consider what Adam would do if I were to tell him. Only, it isn’t up to Adam. When I’m wrapped up in her, it’s easy to forget how we got here in the first place. How she sold me a line of bullshit about the contracts and her father’s cancer, and she made her choice before I left two years ago.
She didn’t choose me.
Even if we could somehow set all of that aside, there is no reality where this development between Bianca and me could ever go over smoothly. The whole fucking world is against us, and that hasn’t changed.
Her parents will always hate me. Stefan would never allow this to go down without a war. Adam would probably never speak to me again. And ultimately, Bianca would be miserable because she’d have to sacrifice everything. Her relationship with her family. The financial security Adam can provide her with. The ring, the house, the cars, the clothes.
