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“That’s not something you can decide, Emily. Ok, check that. I won’t make the mistake of underestimating you, which I’ll admit I did at first. You turned off the fucking sky, so who knows. But the future of humanity? No wonder you feel like shit, keeping all that weight on your shoulders. Nobody knows the future. But we have a pretty good idea of what will happen if Nigel wins. Even with the king dead and the skies clear. He’ll kill everyone and start from scratch, just like Quondam. Nobody will remember you, us, or this rebellion. We’ll be erased.”
“But can we even beat him?”
“Not by wallowing in self-pity, or living in the past. Life is brutal and short. The lands are full of predators. But what’s really changed? We lost one soldier, a friend. Someone close to us. Of course that hurts, it always does. But how do we honor her memory, her sacrifice? She knew what she was doing. She chose it. Don’t take that from her.”
He thought I was still upset about Jazmine, and of course I was. It was easier to let him believe this, than open up about my conversation with Augustine and the terms of his private deal. I wrestled with keeping my secrets, versus the urge to share and be consoled, to discuss this problem with someone else. To name my fears and speak them out loud.
“I can’t keeping making deals,” I said, my voice shaking. “I… I don’t know what to do next. What if it’s too much; what if they’re asking for more than I can give?”
“Pay attention,” Luke said, “because I’m about to say some nice things about you, and I won’t repeat them sober. Ready? First, yes you’re important, but not because you were chosen, and not because of Damien or anything else. Youlistento people, instead of just pressuring them into your way of thinking. Not everyone is used to being treated that way. But you’re not afraid to stand up for what’s right, when it’s important. You care about people and try to protect them. That’s why I know you’ll get us out of here; you won’t let Camina do something reckless and stupid, or Trevor. You’ll think of something clever and get us all home so we can continue fighting. And I’d say you probably have a few hours before something really bad happens so… better get to it.”
“Worst pep talk ever,” I said, summoning a tight grin.
“Fine, how’s this,” Luke said, raising his arms like a curate and deepening his voice. “People believe in you because of what you’ve done, not who you are. You’re not afraid of anybody or anything. Emily fucking Sharrow,legend.”
He was yelling now and swiping his arms, enough to earn him a few dark looks as people moved to avoid him. I grabbed his arm and we headed back toward our hotel.
“Listen,” he said, once we’d reached the lobby, “I’m just here to hold you accountable. That doesn’t mean you have to have all the answers, or be responsible for everyone. Don’t give up too much just so nobody else suffers, because that will burn you out. There’s usually a simpler, easier way. Like, for example, if you want to just kill Augustine, take his blood and steal a vehicle, I bet Tate would help you.”
“Maybe,” I said, “there are some mixed feelings there for sure.”
Somehow Luke’s words had actually started to make me feel better. And hadn’t it always been like this; exploring the woods with my father, then alone. Risking danger to feed my family. Maybe I was raised like this, maybe this is who I was. I shouldn’t risk my own life, in case the revolution died with me. But I also wasn’t going to let others fight battles I could prevent.
Things had unraveled too quickly after Jazmine’s death. Even with my friends, I felt all alone. Now Amber was in the citadel, with my siblings, with Damien. Everyone I loved, separated by a hundred-foot stone wall, hundreds of vampires, a deranged elite usurper, and a shield of warmblooded humans who would suffer if my violence got out of hand. But I couldn’t do anything about all that, until I found a way back home.
We found the others, and Luke offered to buy us all dinner. We got a close-up look at how the blood machines worked. You could only give a pint a day, and it still wasn’t enough to afford much. Luke looked disappointed at the brightly-lit diner menu, when he realized he didn’t have enough to feed all of us. “Holy shit,” Trevor said, looking at the pictures, which offered burger sliders, ketchup from a bottle, coke, fries and milkshakes.
“Where do they even get meat like this,” Luke pouted, “way out here?”
“Don’t ask,” Camina said.
Instead we found an omelet, filled with sausage and green onions, and some kind of protein paste, fried on a hot grill in the street, on a little cart fixed to the back of a moped. It wasn’t high-end, barely better than the food in Havoc, but it was enough.
“You good?” I asked, nodding to the bandaid on his arm.
“Fine,” he said. “A little light-headed. Nothing a few beers won’t fix.”
“I don’t think that’s how it works,” I said.
We sat on a bench at one corner of the strip, watching the people and lights. It was the first time we’d all been together in days. I smiled at Camina, meeting her eyes when one of the boys said something funny.
We hadn’t spoken since she attacked me, and I wasn’t exactly sure where we stood. But she’d been angry, and grieving. Probably drunk and high on elixir as well. She had every right to blame it on me. Though, accordingly to Luke, I didn’t have the right to blame myself. Jazmine had made her own choice, and that made sense, too.
We saw a group of kids in some kind of uniform, on their way home from what I assumed was a class or school of some kind. Most were walking alone, though a few of the younger ones had a mother or father leading them by the hand.
“I wondered if there were any kids here,” Trevor nodded.
“We’ve hardly been out during the day, and maybe they aren’t into gambling or drinking. Not exactly the kind of place to raise children.”
“Or is it exactly the right kind of place?” Luke asked. “I mean, no offense, I wouldn’t have minded growing up here rather than in one of the compounds, bowing down to elite rulers.”
“You literally just donated your blood to buy food,” Camina scoffed at him. “Not exactly a utopia.”
It started raining again, so we took cover beneath a large awning.
“I don’t know,” Trevor said. “It has its charms. But mostly vices. If this is all there is… well I’m glad it’s not. Not yet.”
“Augustine said something similar,” I said. “He made a big show of negotiations, but I think he was just looking for a reason to help us. He thinks we can do better.”
