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“You didn’t hesitate,” I said quietly.
He looked up in confusion. I raised my pricked index finger.
The blood of someone you love.
“Neither did you,” he sighed, leaning back again, and shivering against the wood.
“Just saying, you didn’t flinch at that part.”
“Of course not, Em. But it’s nice to know it’s worth something. Maybe not to you, but to me at least.”
“I do love you,” I said, laying my head against his chest, which was much larger than I remembered it. He was growing beneath me, his muscles rippling.
“But not like that,” he sighed. A few moments passed, as we drifted in the music and the smoke. It was weirdly private, even though we weren’t alone.
“Did I ever tell you what my tattoo means?” Trevor asked. His voice was lower now, and slow, like he was having trouble getting the words out.
“The arrow, and the snake,” I said, running my fingers across the ink designs of his tattoo. His skin was hot and hard. He was still trembling and his veins had turned dark purple. “Let me guess, I’m the snake?”
“You’re the arrow. Sharp, fast. You make me feel like time is moving quickly, like life is more alive. I’m in love with you, so I’m changing into a savage beast, to fight a vampire, so that you can run off and save your prince. The others have wives, girlfriends. I have you. But so what. It is what it is.”
“Does that make you the snake?” I teased.
“No. The snake is the whole damn toxic covenant. You’re the arrow, trapped in the viper’s nest. But the only one, and without it I’m disarmed.”
His pupils went wide and dark, and he gazed over my shoulder like he was watching something. When he spoke again, it was nearly a whisper, and I leaned closer to catch every word.
“I’ve always wondered, where the birds fly each year. Where the clouds go, and now, what lies behind the horizon that catches the falling stars.”
“Are you high from the elixir?” I asked.
“Probably,” he grinned. His face softened and seemed years younger suddenly. He looked happy, at peace. Hopeful, in a way I hadn’t seen him look in years.
“Run away with me,” he asked suddenly, reaching for my hand. I braced myself from his fumbling grasp as his chubby fingers clutched my wrist.
“Where would we go?” I asked. His eyes narrowed, and he seemed to come to his senses, for a moment, studying my face. He lifted a hand, nearly as big as my head, but seemed stunned by its size and pulled away.
“Your position, the politics, this war…” Trevor continued. “What has it gained any of us? Do you think the kingdom is safer for us now, more secure? No compounds, nothing. The intoxicating rush of freedom.”
“That’s a dream,” I said. “Look around you, look where we are. Farther than we ever imagined, and it’s just a poor reflection of King Richard’s system, with a single vampire tyrant controlling absolutely everything. It’s just a different type of captivity. Addiction, compulsion. Free to work and spend, options to shop and purchase or sell, games and merriment for distraction. What else do you think is out there? That there’s a place free of violence, of thirst, of murderous rage, life for a life, eye for an eye, blood for blood.”
“Havoc wasn’t so bad,” Trevor pouted.
“Your nostalgia is coloring your memories.”
“We had a good time there,” he said. “We were happy, for a few weeks at least.”
“You may have been.”
This time he looked upset, like a scolded child. He wanted to belong somewhere, to someone. I understood that. But he wanted it to be me, and I’d taken that from him. I’d left him moorless, adrift. While I was chasing after Damien, the security that I’d felt in his arms for a few brief moments. I was renitent. Stronger than Trevor could ever be. Damien was my match. But Trevor felt like half of my soul.
“Free to go where we like, love who we like. A marriage for love, not for the crown,” Trevor mumbled, mostly to himself. “Just remember, I asked you first.”
“It’s not because he chose me,” I said, trying to explain. “I’m choosing him.”
“I know,” Trevor said. “And that’s all I wanted for you. I just wish it had been me.”
Maybe Tate’s comment had been too close to home… Augustine was giving Trevor a purpose, because he knew he needed one, and he knew I needed him. He was insightful like that. Trevor was safe. He felt like home. But Damien was like air. I couldn’t breathe without him.
