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“That’s basically him trying to communicate, but he’s stuck in the Stone Age.”
I try not to laugh, but it’s hard to hold back when I feel like I’m jittery and on fire. “It’s like whenever the issue offeelingscomes up, he just can’t say whatever he’s thinking.”
“Welcome to Greek men.” Phel rolls her eyes and leans forward to stare at Alonzo. My bodyguard’s lurking at the end of the alley out of earshot, but close enough that we’re not out of sight. “I bet that one’s the same way.”
“He’s fine,” I say, waving him off. “Nice enough anyway.”
“Look, hon, I don’t envy you, you know? The house is nice and all but I can’t imagine how complicated it’s got to be getting married to a freaking crime lord. But what can you do?”
“I don’t know,” I admit. “You saw what happened the other week. I don’t exactly have much choice.”
She’s quiet for a long moment. Then, very softly, she says, “Why did you two get married to begin with? It feels pretty obvious that you weren’t in love when you chose to get hitched. Are you using him as much as he’s using you?”
I stiffen slightly. I haven’t come out and told her that our relationship is a fake, that’s it an arrangement. I’ve skirted the issue, hinted at it a few times, but now it feels like she’s finally putting it together.
I want to tell her the truth. It would feel so good to admit tosomeone, anyone at all, how freaking messed up my marriage to Evander really is, but that would be a betrayal of the promise I made to him.
Instead, I only shake my head. “I don’t even know anymore. It’s just that Christopher treated me like I was a thing he could use and abuse however he wanted, and I’m terrified that Evander’s going to start looking at me the same way.”
Which is true.
When he started talking about making our marriage real, I felt something deep inside my chest. It was like an ember, the beginning of a blaze. I wanted to let that fire roar, to finally release all the emotions I’ve been suppressing for a while now.
I wanted to admit that I caught emotions. I caught them hard, and now I’m stuck with them.
But instead, he made it clear that this marriage would remain an arrangement, beneficial for us both but not about something more.
That scared the hell out of me.
I was already in one loveless relationship.
I can’t survive another one.
Not that I think Evander would be abusive—but even giving myself to another man knowing that he doesn’t love me the way I love him, I just don’t think I can live like that.
I went through too much pain to escape that situation once.
In the end, I can’t trust. As much as I want to, I can’t let my guard down and trust Evander.
After Christopher, it’s like the idea of trying to be married for real is terrifying.
The only reason it’s tolerable now is the time limit. I know it’s not forever—I can leave when I’m ready to leave.
I’m not trapped.
But committing to this for the long-term? Actually becoming a part of the family?
Havingkids?
That’ll guarantee a lifetime with him.
I took birth control and lied about it for years to avoid that with Christopher—and I’m still taking them now.
Getting off birth control scares me to death.
Phel pats my knee and stands up. “I’m on your side in all this, you know that. But if you want my opinion, I think you should just admit that you two both want to make this thing work, and actually work on it.”
“Are you sure about that?”
