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She covers the distance between us. It’s like water to a thirsty man, her touch. She brushes her fingers across my cheek. I catch her wrist, bending it back slightly, and raising her arm to my mouth. I kiss the soft skin there and she sucks in a breath.
“Why are you telling me this?” she whispers. “Why now, after everything? I thought we were finally getting into a rhythm.”
“I don’t want a rhythm,” I say roughly. “I don’t want to breeze through what we have.”
“We have nothing,” she says, biting the words out. “We have an arrangement, a temporary arrangement. When Christopher is taken care of—”
“You’ll leave me.” I release her. She steps back, hugging herself.
“That’s what we agreed on. We’re not really married.” She looks away, not meeting my eye anymore.
“But what if it was more?” I ask, resisting the hope that grows in my stomach. “What if you’re my wife, not for a short time, but for as long as you want to be?”
Her eyes widen. “Evander—”
“I know it isn’t what we discussed, but all the reasons I took you as a bride still apply. I need a partner, I need children—”
“Is that all?” she asks, some of her deflating. She steps back again, putting more distance between us, and I don’t know why.
“That’s everything. You and me—”
“You still want me as some trophy for the family. I’m just a symbol to you, like that ring. But you won’t even wear it.”
I feel this conversation spiraling from my control. I can’t express what I’m trying to say the right way—whenever I try to explain myself, it’s like the words tangle themselves in my throat.
“That’s not it,” I say, moving toward her. “It can be you and me.”
But she backs off toward the door.
“I’m just convenient, Evander. You only want me because I’m in your room. It’s easy for you to keep me as your wife.”
“There’s nothing easy about this.”
Her smile is sad. “Maybe that’s true. Maybe that’s another reason why we shouldn’t.”
“Camille. Asteraki mu.” I’ve never given a piece of myself to someone like that before. I’ve never told the true story of how and why I came to power. To see her standing there, staring at me like I’m a monster, it cuts into me like a scythe.
“I don’t think you really know what you want. We rushed into this because we were afraid, but is that a good reason to say it should be permanent? Just think about it, okay, Evander? Think about it and maybe I’ll think about it too.”
I feel myself deflate. The hope sucked from me. The belief that I could have something better, gone in a rush. I nod my head at her.
“If that’s what you want.”
Her smile is sad and longing, and I don’t chase her when she leaves.
Chapter46
Camille
“It’s notmehe wants, but a wife.” I lean against the wall behind the diner, the wall where Hector came and found me over a week ago now.
Phel smiles sadly. “Are you sure about that? He could’ve gotten a wife a long time ago if he really wanted. I mean, he’s good looking, has lots of money, and he’s a freaking Kazan. I bet there’s a line around the block with women that would die to get hitched to all that.”
“Then he should’ve chosen one of them.” I stare at the engagement ring. It looks so small and lost now that I’m not wearing the matched wedding band. I feel like I’m losing the thread of why we got involved together in the first place. “It wasn’t aboutme, it was just, let’s have babies, let’s show my family I’m serious, and now I’m afraid we rushed into it.”
Phel’s quiet for a moment. “Did you tell him all that?”
“I tried to, but he only glared and grunted at me.”
