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“I know, you’re just mad at me, it seems.” Rainy closed her eyes, realizing what she’d just said. “I’m sorry. That wasn’t fair. I understand why you’re mad at me.”
“I’m not mad at you,” Killion said.
“You barely look at me.”
“I look at you all the time, Rainy.”
“Really?” she questioned.
“I’m looking at you now.”
She scooted forward, moving within inches of him. “That’s… not what I mean. I mean really look at me. Not just… see me.”
Killion’s brow furrowed in confusion. “Aren’t those the same thing?”
She let out a deep sigh and slumped once again like defeat was wearing her down. “No, Killion. They’re not the same thing. You used to look at me. Really look at me. Like you knew everything there was to know about me and like you wanted to explore every inch of what that meant.”
Killion’s blank stare told her all she needed to know. He was far too literal for that to really sink in. At least in the way she’d hoped it would. He could see her giving in ––and giving up –– and knew it was because of him. He simply didn’t understand her position or what she was trying to say. He watched her pleading eyes fade to sadness, and it killed him to know he was causing it whether he meant to or not.
“I didn’t want to leave you, Killion.” Her voice had dropped to a near whisper, and she couldn’t look at him. “I missed you every day I was gone and wished you were there for every milestone in the pregnancy. You were the one I wanted by my side when I found out we were having twins, heard their heartbeats for the first time, and felt the first kick. Carrying those babies got me through one of the toughest things I’ve gone through and gave me hope that… It doesn’t care what I hoped for.”
Rainy scooted away and fixed her stare out the windows, staring off into the mountains beyond the city's high-rises, and began to weep.
“I’m not great at this, Rainy,” he admitted. “I’m sorry.”
She whipped her head in his direction. Her tearstained face pained him.
“You’re better at it than you think. At least when you were with me as Jenny you were ––maybe too much has happened, and there just isn’t any room for Rainy.”
“Room for both? You are Jenny… and Rainy. How can you say that?”
“Oh Killion… I guess I just want to make sure we’re okay.” She swiped away at her tears and wore a new sense of confidence like she’d just made a decision about something and was committed to it. Especially when she slapped on a weak smile. “We have two beautiful babies together. We’re going to be in each other’s lives for, well, forever. I hope, for their sake, we can at least be friends.”
“Yes,” he replied.
“Yes?” She shrugged, waiting for more, but he didn’t have anything left to say, it seemed. “Okay then.”
They could hear one of the babies let out a small squeal over the baby monitor, and it quickly grabbed Rainy’s attention. It was almost as if she was relieved by it.
“I think he’s hungry,” she said, sliding to the edge of the couch, wiping away any remaining evidence of how she felt. “Their schedule is a little off, and he didn’t eat well at his last feeding.”
She pushed herself from the couch and stilled, catching her balance. When Killion reached for her to help, she brushed his hand away and slowly moved toward the hallway that led to the nursery, using nearby furniture to sturdy herself with each step and even leaning slightly into the wall.
“I’ll help. Baby girl will likely wake up shortly if he’s up.”
“No. I got it,” she said over her shoulder. “I’d like the time with them, and I think I’ll lie down when they do.”
“Okay. I, uh, guess I’ll check in with the team from my office up here,” he said, sitting at the edge of the couch, watching her disappear down the hallway. “Just holler if you need me.”
Rainy didn’t say a word as she continued down the hallway. Killion could hear her through the monitor when she entered the nursery. She whispered to their son, comforting him, as she settled them into the nearby chair to nurse him. It felt like an invasion of her privacy in a way, but he couldn’t help himself. Hearing her with their son and how his squawks of discomfort quickly became tiny loving coos did something to Killion. He knew that sound, and it was what he loved best about the quiet moments with his babies, but hearing her talk sweet nothings to their son and him responding so lovingly was nearly Killion’s undoing.
“Wow. You’re a hungry boy.” He heard her say through the monitor. “You’re such a big boy. You’re going to be so big and strong… just like your daddy, huh?”
She giggled when the baby made a funny sound as if he was replying and knew exactly what he was saying. Killion smiled. It startled him when he did. So did the need to rush into that room and sit next to her so they could enjoy the sweet moment together. He longed for it, and that, too, surprised him. It was all so new and painfully confusing as he didn’t know what to do with these feelings.
Sure, he knew where they came from, but he didn’t know how to tame the wild, primal instincts chasing those feelings came from. It overwhelmed him, and flustered him, and frustrated him. Killion had never questioned why he was the way he was, why he did the things he did, or how he was as smart as he was.
Literal Killion could answer all those things with the simplest of answers… it was just who he was. But at this moment, hearing Rainy with their children and feeling all the things, he questioned everything, and for the first time… he didn’t understand why he was the way he was, or why he did the things he did, or why he was smart. He also didn’t understand the pinch in his chest or the quaking of his soul.
