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“You were the only person who knew. The only person I told. The only person I trusted.”
And then, since there is nothing more I have to say to her, I turn my back and leave her bedroom.
ConfrontingInessawasneverpart of my plan, but in the end, it was the closure I needed. I cry myself to sleep that night, but the next morning, I wake up feeling strangely new. Refreshed. Reborn.
I look at myself in the mirror: my short hair, so light now, catching the early morning sunlight in golden gleams, the slight flush in my cheeks, my eyes, which seem so much less empty.
I don’t just look different, Ifeeldifferent. Lighter, freer, but older too.
For the first time, I feel wholly, completelymyself.
The real Theodora.
And, as it turns out, the real Theodora is strong and resilient and smart and hard-working.
I catch up on the Apostles assignments and the missed content from my classes. In my exams, my mind is crystal clear, all the knowledge within me appearing to me with perfect clarity.
Most classes have broken up now exams have started, and the Apostles seminars have been suspended. The last week of exams also comes with the deadline for the final Apostles assignment.
“There is only one good, knowledge, and only one evil, ignorance”—Socrates. Discuss.
Mr Ambrose gives us no word limit for this particular essay. I think it’s his way of testing us, of seeing how much we’ve learned and how capable we are now of expressing ourselves. I draft a six-page essay on the subject; I’ve had a lot of time to think on the nature of good and evil, knowledge and ignorance.
But I’ve also not spoken to Zachary yet. I don’t know why. I keep telling myself it’s because I’m too busy with exams—we both are. That’s part of the truth, but not all of it.
The truth is that I don’t know what to say to him. I don’t know how to undo everything that’s been done or fix everything that’s been broken.
I don’t know how to make everything alright, but I do know the one thing Zachary wants above all things. I know he deserves it, too.
So on the day of the final Apostles assignment deadline, I make my submission.
But it’s not my six-page essay.
It’s, in its own way, my apology to Zachary—and a love declaration.
Icomeoutofthe final literature exam buoyed by a strange sense of serenity.
Having retrieved my bag from the little hallway outside the exam hall, I emerge into the warm sunlight and take a deep breath, filling my lungs with the fragrance of fresh-cut grass and honeysuckle.
Although I amble away from the building, I linger amongst the trees, careful not to crush the bluebells at my feet. Students come drifting one by one or in pairs from the dark portal of the exam hall entrance, and I wait until I spot Zachary.
He steps outside and stops.
His satchel is strung across his chest, which is now the broad chest of a young man. His dark curls gleam in the sunlight, and he turns his face up towards the sky, taking a deep breath the way I did.
A smile blossoms from my mouth, unbidden, and I brace myself to take a step in his direction.
And then Evan Knight, beaming and golden and as excited as a puppy, comes bounding out of the hall and throws himself at Zachary, wrapping his arms around Zachary’s neck and squeezing tight.
I almost laugh when Zachary shoves him off with a wince and straightens his uniform with the dignity of a monk. They talk for a moment, and then Evan’s head whips around to stare at Sophie Sutton, who’s just emerged from the exam hall.
The three of them stand and talk for a little while. Sophie and Zachary are their usual selves, both standing prim and straight and proper, but there’s a smile on Evan’s face that could rival the glow of the sun as he stares at Sophie.
It’s something I’ll never understand—the love between them and the way it lives in the black castle of hatred they’ve built for themselves over the years. But Evan’s love for Sophie is unmistakable.
It makes my heart hurt to watch—not because I want what they have, but because I could have had it—all along.
Eventually, the group breaks up, Sophie walking away first, then Evan and Zachary ambling off in the opposite direction. I watch them leave with a sigh, seized with sudden melancholy.
