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“Yeah, sure,” I said as I got to my feet. I stood on shaky legs and made my way over to the bar for another drink, three fingers this time. I said, “Thanks for letting me know,” as if they’d given me good news.
“Of course. If you need anything, let me or Ma know.”
As soon as I was out of the office, my brother was right there at my side, as if he’d been waiting. “How are you doing, man?”
“Just fuckin’ great, bro. How are you?”
“Bullshit,” he shot back. “It’s okay, you know, to feel some kind of way. Bet you didn’t realize your hands are lethal weapons, did you?”
“Fuck you, Terry.” I scowled at the mockery in his tone but his other sentiment surprised me. “Do you feel some kind of way?”
“Fuck, yeah,” he sighed and took a pull from his beer bottle. “Angry and sad most of the time, even though it’s justified and even though I know the choice was me or the other guy. It’s not supposed to make you feel good or something. Unless you’re fucked in the head. You fucked in the head, bro?”
I’d never told Terry about the visions I had, the fury that took over during that fight, that I was seeing the guys take out Fiona. How fucked up was that? “Fuck you Terry. Let me get through my shit, okay?”
“Then wallow through your shit or whatever you need to do, and then get over it. Who knows what they would’ve done to Vanessa? Jas said she was pretty shaken up.”
“Terrified is more like it. She was in shock.” And I still didn’t know what the fuck they wanted with her. “You think this has anything to do with Fiona?”
“Can’t say for sure, but I’d put money on it.” Terry rested a hand on my shoulder and guided me toward the dining room where Maisie, Kat, Molly, and Virgil waited, along with Thomas and his watchful gaze.
“I’m starved,” he said. “We’d better get into the dining room or Sadie will be all over our asses.”
I spent most of dinner shoving food into my face and brooding over the fact that I wasn’t just a solider, I was also a killer. Some people might have thought they were one and the same, but one was duty and what I’d done was…murder.
I sat back in my chair and took in a deep breath. I couldn’t stop thinking about my hands—lethal weapons as Terry said. Blow after blow landed on the most sensitive parts of his body. The fact I’d been so filled with rage that Mace had to pull me off him stuck with me, made me realize that as much as I tried to suppress it, hide it, it was still a part of me.
I wasn’t any better than the Ashbys, or Terry. I was lying to myself about that part of me, while they accepted it, if not embraced it outright.
“The wedding plans are nearly complete.” Maisie’s words or maybe it was her excited tone, broke through my thoughts. “Kat and Vanessa have to do another fitting. The cake is set and so are the colors, napkins and flowers.”
“I am personally really looking forward to the cake,” Kat said with a wide unapologetic smile. “Sorry, not sorry.”
Virgil flipped Kat off and she tossed a freshly buttered roll at him that he batted away, leaving it to fall on one of two empty seats at the table.
Sadie frowned. “Where is Cal? And Bonnie?” She looked around the table in search of an answer but no one had one for her, or if they did, they kept it to themselves.
“This is fucking bullshit. We need to discuss this Jasper.”
“I know, Ma. Give me some time.” His tone was that of the long-suffering son and man in charge. “I’ll talk to him.”
“If you can find him,” Kat added angrily.
The table fell silent, almost as if waiting for Sadie’s anger to take over, but it never did. “Any news on Molly?” Madison asked the question at least once every Sunday and each time, the answer was the same.
“Nothing concrete yet. Just sightings that amount to fuck all,” Terry told her and looked away quickly, a surefire sign he was lying.
Madison looked skeptical but she only nodded sadly. “All right, I guess.” She stabbed her potatoes and fell into a thoughtful silence and I sighed, understanding her frustration. Her loneliness.
Killing for the family should have made me feel more part of things but the truth was, I felt lonelier than ever, and I wondered, was this my fate in life?
My punishment?
CHAPTER TWENTY
Vanessa
“I’ve got whipped cream, chocolate sauce, and something called caramel body paint. You think that’s enough?”
I’d just pulled into the parking lot of my favorite supermarket and settled back with the key fob in one hand, my phone against my ear, listening and waiting. A long silence fell across the line, but I wasn’t deterred because I knew Emmett. At least I was starting to, and his silence meant he was interested.
