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The silence after that stretches on, and I really wish I could get off the porch steps and do something with my body other than just stand here like a gangly buffoon, but I asked for this. I seriously asked for it, so if I have to stand here for a century like this, I’ll gladly do it. At that moment, I realize my name is so fitting. Atlas. Except, instead of holding up the weight of the world, I’m holding up the weight of all my mistakes.
Victoria studies me like she’s waiting for me to add something else. Something far more terrible. Like she knows there’s more. “That’s it?” she voices with a sigh.
The words hang in the air between us. This is my moment. The open-door moment where she gives me a chance to confess that, yeah, there’s more. There’s a heck of a lot more, but I haven’t cleared it with Granny yet, and I can’t tell Victoria our family’s secrets. Not only would that endanger them, but it would also endanger her, and I could never do that. Granny needs to think of something. Some plan and some way I can tell Victoria. I need help, but I haven’t gone to her yet, because, oh right, I’ve been too busy ignoring my family and spinning my yarns in a world of my own making.
Is there any way I could have possibly fucked this up worse?
“That’s it,” I reply with a sigh of my own because that’s the truth as far as I can tell her right now. “I’m so sorry again, and I’ll just…I’ll just go now.” I don’t want to stand there and make things worse because there sure as shit isn’t any way to make it better, and I get about three steps into the yard and off the porch before Victoria’s soft voice stops me.
“Atlas, wait.”
I turn around, trying to keep the insane hope from flooding my eyes, but right now, I’m probably a freaking lighthouse with it, the light of my hope rising up like a column into the stormy night, except that it’s daytime. And it’s not stormy. And if I had laser beams coming out of my eyes or chest, I think I’d be in real trouble.
Victoria uncrosses her arms and steps forward to lean against the porch railing. She finally turns to look at me. When our eyes lock, I can feel my whole face lighting up. Yup, I definitely have a laser beam problem. I can feel red heat crawling up my neck, flooding my chin, then the rest of my face until I’m sure my ears are scarlet. Now I’m the shy one, rooted to the spot.
She blinks at me, and gah, her lashes are so long and full, and her eyes are so pretty, golden brown. No, soft brown with gold flecks. So obviously golden brown, then.
“How can I really be mad?” she sighs, her voice soft now, deflated and drained of all the stubborn anger that was there a few minutes ago. “You did all of it for me. And you paid for everything. I kind of get it, even if I’m not happy about it. I get that misunderstandings happen, and it was my mistake in the first place. Yeah, you didn’t tell me the truth, and it got out of hand. You got trapped in it. I want to be understanding because I know things happen. I know you weren’t trying to hurt me because you said so, and I believe you. You weren’t trying to use me or anything weird. But now? We know each other. We were, um, dating, I think. And we’ve been intimate….” She hiccups and studies the porch for a second before her eyes return to my face. “No more lying. That’s all over, and we can be honest with each other now. Agreed?”
“Agreed,” I choke out, knowing the whole time that while she’s this incredibly forgiving, understanding person, I’m out here digging myself deeper and deeper with a shovel. I have to keep her safe. I have to protect her. You could have said there was more that you couldn’t tell her right now. She’d understand.
“It is a pretty crazy meeting,” she whispers. “A good story to tell our friends, I guess. About how we met. I don’t think anyone could top that. The house. Oh my gosh, the house! How? How on earth did you pay for it?”
“We have old family money,” I sputter. The guilt is now eating me alive. Eating my soul, that is. “It was just sitting around. It got put to good use, and that’s all that matters.”
If I tell her the truth now, what would happen? Where would I go? Would I get cut off from the family? Would we have to move to some remote spot and bring her parents with us just like Alden and Azalea did? Would I get kind of left behind because I decided that was best for my family and me, like Ransom, so he could be with Ayana and their daughter, Maya? Would Victoria think our family was crazy awesome and gladly go with us the way Cass did for Lennox?
