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“Hi.” I smiled sleepily. “What are you doing here?” I asked, glancing back at the bedroom where my mama and sister were sleeping.
“I, uh, I just wanted to make sure you were okay.”
I furrowed my brow, pulling the quilt more tightly around myself as the cold air from outside chilled me. “Why wouldn’t I be okay?”
“Uh, I figured your mama was home. You know, I just wanted to check on you…her…”
“In the middle of the night? You could have come by earlier today.”
Kyland looked up at the dark, starlit sky as if this was the first time he’d realized it was nighttime. When his eyes met mine again, the expression on his face embarrassed and unsure. I studied him standing there under the winter sky, the vapor of his breath rising in the cold air.
“Are you lonely, Ky?” I asked softly.
“What? No, I mean, that’s not why I’m here. I’m not here for me. I’m here for you.”
I tilted my head and licked my bottom lip. His eyes darted to it and he swallowed.
“It’s okay to want something for yourself sometimes.”
It’s okay to want me. I hope you do. God, I hope you do.
“I know, I just thought you’d probably be getting your mama settled. How is she?”
“She’s okay. Better. She got up and helped make dinner tonight. So that was a good sign.”
He nodded and we were both silent for a second as he shifted on his feet. “You should tell me to go, Tenleigh. And say it like you mean it. Tell me to leave because I can’t seem to do it on my own.”
“I don’t want you to leave,” I said softly.
A loud whoosh of air escaped his throat and he shifted on his feet some more.
“Do you want me to come back to your place?”
“Could you? I mean, you can? You would?”
“Yeah. Hold on.” I stepped back inside and quietly closed the door. I quickly wrote a note to Marlo, letting her know I’d gone to Kyland’s and that I’d be home in the morning. She’d make an excuse for me to Mama. We didn’t talk to Mama about that kind of thing. We just simply never had. It’d be weird to start now.
I was already wearing sweatpants and a long-sleeved shirt, so I just pulled my boots and jacket on quietly and left the trailer.
The look on Kyland’s face when I stepped outside was pure relief. “You sure this is okay?” he asked.
“Yes, it’s fine. I figured you hadn’t gotten your fill of my body yet, so I wasn’t surprised to see you at my door.”
He stopped, looking stricken. “Tenleigh, no, that’s not why I’m here. I’m not here to use you. I just…sleeping with you last night was so…and I couldn’t, and I thought, maybe you couldn’t…” He laughed a humorless laugh, frowning up at the sky. “I’m really fumbling this. And I woke you up in the middle of the night—”
“Kyland, It’s okay. I was teasing. I liked sleeping with you too. Just the sleeping part.” I smiled. “I mean, I especially liked the other parts, but the sleeping part was good too. So can we get to that? It’s late. If you’ve done enough tortured brooding, I mean.”
He paused, rubbing at the back of his neck and then chuckling softly. “I don’t brood.”
I snorted. “Oh, you brood. You could give lessons on brooding. You might very well be the foremost expert on brooding.” I was almost surprised at my ability to joke and make light, but I was so genuinely happy to see him. And I was so happy he’d wanted to see me too.
He chuckled again and clasped my hand as we walked.
Five minutes later, we were walking in his front door.
We didn’t talk as we walked to his bed. I took off my boots and jacket and then stripped down to my underwear. We’d only been together one time, we’d only touched each other intimately one night, but somehow I already felt comfortable in front of him.
He stripped down to his own underwear and got in under the covers next to me. He pulled my back into his chest and buried his nose in my hair. The exhale that came from him sounded like he’d been storing it up for hours and hours. I pulled his arms around me and held him as he held me.
“Thank you,” he said, his voice low and raspy. Something in his tone sounded almost…desperate. I turned in his arms, concerned.
He looked at me in the dim light of the room, his eyes filled with some kind of pain. I frowned and put my hand on his cheek.
“Kyland—” I started.
But he shook his head, cutting me off. “I’m sorry.”
“Sorry for what?” I whispered.
“Sorry for not being able to stay away from you. Sorry for not being able to stop thinking about you. Sorry for starting to walk over to your trailer every five minutes since I woke up and you were gone. Sorry for being so damn selfish.”
