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My heart soared even as it dropped. “You’re not being selfish. I missed you today too. It’s okay. I’m not asking you for anything more than you can give. I’m not.”
“I’m sorry for that most of all.”
“What? That what?”
He shook his head slowly again. “That I have nothing to give you. That I can only take from you. And that’s wrong.”
“It’s not wrong if I’m offering it.”
“Yes it is. It’s still wrong.”
I studied the angles of his face in the near-darkness and ran my finger over his cheekbone, down his jaw, and over those full, beautiful lips.
“Well. I’m sorry to render your moral dilemma null and void, but honestly, I’m only in this for your body, Kyland Barrett. So you can let yourself off the hook.”
He laughed and pulled me into him. I inhaled the scent of his skin, masculine and clean.
After a minute, I asked, “Were you having a bad dream again? Is that why you couldn’t sleep?”
He paused and I wondered if he’d answer me, and so when his deep voice filled the silence, I stilled completely. “The dreams aren’t the hard part. It’s not talking about my family that’s been the hardest. And I guess I didn’t even realize it until last night.” He let out gust of breath. “It was the first time I’ve talked about my mama, dad, and brother aloud since I lost them. And it sort of, I don’t know, brought them back to life in a way I didn’t expect.”
“A good way or a bad way?” I asked.
“Both I guess.”
Yeah, I could understand that. I stroked his cheek again. “I’m so sorry you’ve been holding all that pain inside for so long.” It must be a particular kind of loneliness not to have anyone to share your sorrows with. I had my own hardships, but I also had Marlo.
“I’ve spent so many lonely nights here in this bed,” Kyland said, “and last night, having you here felt so damn good.” He made a sound in the back of his throat. “This, you here. It feels so good.”
“I know. It feels good to me too,” I whispered.
We lay there forehead to forehead, breath to breath, and toes to toes for a few minutes, until I finally got up the nerve to ask, “Will you tell me a little about Silas? I saw him around town now and again, but I never met him.”
He released a breath. “He was…” He seemed to take a few seconds to consider. “Full of life. He was a smartass and a practical joker.” His lips moved into a smile in the darkened room. “He was always laughing. I can still hear his laugh if I close my eyes. He laughed with his whole body, you know? Like he doubled over and stumbled and it was just…” He laughed a small laugh and I smiled. “He could be such a goofball. The other day when we were sledding, I swore I heard his laughter echoing through the mountains when I was coasting down that hill. I swore I did.”
My heart squeezed. And then we were both silent for a minute. I allowed him to gather his thoughts.
“He was five years older than me, but we did everything together. We ran through these mountains pretending we were cowboys and superheroes.” He smiled, but it was small and vanished quickly. “We were always afraid of the dark when we were kids. Silas, he always begged our mama to keep the hall light on.” He paused again. “He died in the pitch-darkness underground, Tenleigh. The power went out after the cave-in and they were all under there in blackness. And I can’t help…I can’t help but think he was afraid. He was probably so scared. I hear him over and over in my mind, whispering to me like he did from his bed when we were kids, ‘Get up and turn on the light, Ky.’ And there’s nothing I can do for him. Nothing at all.”
I squeezed my eyes shut against the tears that threatened. “They were together, though, your dad and your brother. All those men. I bet they helped each other cope. All the ones I knew, they were such good men. I bet they were all there for each other in the end.”
“Yeah,” he said softly.
We lay there in silence for a few minutes until Kyland leaned forward and kissed me slowly and deeply and there was something different in his kiss, but I didn’t know exactly what.
He pulled his lips away but moved his body closer to mine. “You drive me crazy,” he murmured. He brushed his lips across mine lightly and I shivered. “And you make the darkness go away. You bring me some kind of peace.” He let out a harsh exhale of breath and I drank it in. “I don’t know what to do with it.”
