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When she turned, her eyes rimmed with tears. “What made you this way?”
I growled.
“Tell me what happened? I can help you,” she urged.
In pity.
In pain.
“Don’t fuck with me, Cove.”
Her reply of, “Your mother would be so disappointed in you,” had me fucking spinning.
It was only then she realized it wasn’t a what question.
It was a who.
I shook my head, warning, “Don’t…”
“I know what you do is dangerous. I know there’s a reason you’re like this.” She stepped forward. “I know what it feels like to be alone, to feel like you have no one on your side. I’m here for you. Why won’t you let me be?” she rasped, her voice giving out on her.
She reached for me.
I couldn’t take this much longer.
I didn’t want her sympathy.
Her concern.
Her love?
“Don’t touch me, Cove. You need to stay away from me,” I coaxed, moving her hands away from my body.
“Jace, please… please… just let me…” she pleaded in a tone of pure desperation and sorrow.
“Don’t fucking touch me. I’m warning you. What will it take for you to realize I’m no good?!” I shouted, raking my hands through my hair.
She didn’t listen, continuing her assault, trying to touch my face, my arms, and my chest. Her hands burned as if she was touching me with fire, dragging me further into hell, and coming right along with me. Her hands burned everywhere she placed them, everywhere she touched me, leaving behind deeper scars than the ones I already carried.
“Why won’t you just let me in? I can help…we can help each other. Why do you insist on fighting with me?”
I roughly grabbed her wrists tighter than I intended to, holding her in place before I abruptly let her go. Without thinking twice about it, I turned and left, slamming the front door behind me.
I couldn’t look at her anymore.
I couldn’t hear her desperate pleas.
I couldn’t feel her delicate touch trying to heal what was broken inside me.
I didn’t go far. I had a job to do, and I intended to follow through. It didn’t matter what she said or did; it wouldn’t change the outcome of my life. I lived and breathed this world. It was the only way I could keep going through the hell I’d been through.
I left her there alone for one reason and one reason only. After this mission, I needed to figure out what it would take to rid her from my mind.
My life.
My future.
Before I killed her too.
Seventeen
Jace
Then: Five months after Tony’s funeral
Dear Hope,
When I received your first letter after Tony’s service, I never expected to develop this relationship with you and actually start looking forward to your letters. You’ve brought this happiness and sunshine back into my life. You know that, don’t you? And how much I care for you and your son. I think about you both more often than not. It almost feels like you were brought into my life for a reason I didn’t know was missing.
I’ve never been the type of man who relied on a woman’s affection, but with you, it’s different. The guilt I carry because you were Tony’s fiancée is another demon I can’t eliminate. Not a day goes by when I don’t think about him. Sometimes I even dream about him.
Except he wasn’t the one who died in the line of fire.
I did.
Other times, I wished it would have been me, but then I think about the pain it would have caused my family. They don’t deserve to lose another person they love. The first time was hard enough. I know it’s selfish of me to pray for the souls I’ve taken, yet I can’t stop myself from doing it.
I often think about where I’m going once I die because there’s no chance it’ll be heaven. It doesn’t stop my desire to want to be free from the demons that live inside me.
I don’t deserve it.
Which is why I don’t pray for forgiveness. If anything, I pray for God to punish me. Maybe that’s why I lost my mother? I can’t stop my mind from going there.
Was her death my punishment?
Was Tony’s?
I’ve never shared these thoughts with anyone, but with you, it’s different. It’s easy. Almost like we were meant to find each other. You’ve been such a breath of fresh air in my life, and I couldn’t imagine you not being in it.
You’re part of me now.
You both are.
I can’t wait to see you next month. Hold you. Feel you. It’s what gets me through most nights. I know I don’t deserve you either, but I can’t stop myself. I see a future with you and your son, and that scares me more than anything. I’ve never felt this way about anyone before, Hope. I promised Tony I’d take care of you both, but you’re so much more than a promise to me.
