Page 66 of Assassin's Heart


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“What do you mean? How dangerous is it? I thought you said–”

“I said I’ll keep you safe. I meant it. But this isn’t safe, Lidiya, and you know that. You knew it when we set all this up. Any proximity to all of this comes with some danger.”

“I know, I just–”

My voice trembles a little, and I see the expression on his face change, flickering to sympathy as he reaches for my hand suddenly, pulling me a little closer.

“You’ll be okay, Lidiya. I’ll make sure of it.”

“I hope you can.” I swallow hard, suddenly feeling very lonely, set adrift.At the end of the day, if helping me conflicts with what he needs to do for his job, which one is he going to pick?I know which one I shouldexpectfor him to pick.

“Just focus on trying to find out what you can. I’ll figure out what to do with it. That’smypart of the job.”

I nod, trying to calm down. “I should probably get back soon, unless there’s something else for us to talk about–”

Levin hesitates, and I know I shouldn’t push. I shouldn’t press on whatever he’s feeling, try to make him crack open, but it’s hard not to. I have so many feelings tangled up inside of me, and I want to know whathe’sfeeling, because I no longer believe that he’s the cold, hard man that I believed him to be in the beginning.

“You don’t want me to go back to Grisha,” I whisper. “You hate the idea of me in bed with him. You don’t want me to leave.”

Levin’s jaw clenches, his eyes narrowing, and for a moment I think I’ve gone too far. “Does it matter?” he bites out, letting go of my hand. “What does that change? Why should we talk about it? This is what has to happen, Lidiya. We’ve taken too many liberties with this already. Webothneed to focus.”

“It makes me feel better to know.” I step closer to him, feeling the warm, salty breeze swirl around us as I do. “It gives me something to hold onto. It makes me feel safer.”

“What? Knowing that I want you? Knowing that the thought of another man’s hands on you makes me feel murderous? Knowing that it has taken every bit of self-control I have not to fuck you raw every time you come back from him, so that all youeverfeel is me?”

His hands reach for me as he speaks, closing on my upper arms, and for a moment I think he’s going to shake me. “What does that help, Lidiya?”

“It makes me feel less alone,” I whisper. “Because I feel the same way.”

His eyes widen slightly, the muscle in his jaw leaping, and I feel his hands tighten as a tremor goes through him.

“I think of you whenever he touches me.” I step a little closer again, close enough that my body is almost brushing against his, and I reach up to touch his chest. “I think of your lips and your hands and everything I haven’t had yet. I think of what I want, so I can endure what I don’t want. And knowing that you feel it too makes me feel like I have something to anchor myself to. Because sometimes–”

I take a slow, shaky breath, feeling my eyes mist as I look up at him, all of the fear and worry coalesce in my chest in a tight, almost unbearable knot. “Sometimes I feel like I might drift away. Like I might never be the same after this.”

“I’m sorry.” For the first time, I hear real regret in Levin’s voice. “I’m sorry that you got dragged into this, Lidiya. It had to be you. I wish like hell it could have been anyone else–”

“It’s not, though. It’s me. We can’t change that. But–”

I swallow hard, going up on my tiptoes, and I press my lips against his.

I know it won’t fix anything. I know it might make things worse. But I feel desperate for his touch, for something good, for a pleasure that can wash it all away for a little while.

I want him like I’ve never wanted anything else in my life.

“Lidiya–”

He breathes my name against my lips, his hands smoothing along my arms as his lips move against mine, his tongue tracing the edge of my mouth as I part my lips for him, wanting more. I want him to kiss me hard and deep, to take my breath away, to be what I remember from this trip, this place. I don’t want to remember Grisha.

I want to remember Levin Volkov kissing me breathless on a beach.

Levin

Iknow I need to stop. I need to let her go and walk away.

This can never be anything. It can never go anywhere. And it will only make it all harder in the end.

But goddamn it, Ican’t.

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