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Andie was trapped within this hateful, poisonous cage of flesh, and it revolted her. She longed to break away from her own body, distance herself from the evil it had done, because what happened had not been her will. She had not chosen to have this happen, yet it happened all the same. And it happened because of her.
Sniffing, she bit at her lip until she tasted blood and tried to block out the thoughts of self-destruction that flirted at the edges of her consciousness. The vague thoughts were like hyenas circling just at the edges of a campfire—restless, waiting, hungry, and eager to tear her to shreds with their razor claws and rows of jagged teeth the moment her flames died out. Andie didn’t want to die.
Did she?
“How are you this morning?” Abram had gotten all the way up the steps and directly in front of her without her noticing. She wasn’t startled though; she only gazed up at him and tried to offer the reassurance that everyone around her sought these days. It was easier to give them what they wanted. They went away faster if she did. So she always pretended to nibble from whatever plate was put in front of her, no matter how foul she found food these days. She also showered when they asked her to, got out of bed when they woke her, and went back to her bed every time someone suggested it. Nothing mattered. Not anymore.
“Fine.” Andie’s voice was low and hoarse from disuse. Abram frowned with concern. “Really. You should go to work. Or home. You can take the day off if you want. You’re salary, and this place won’t fall apart in one afternoon. Take a day.” She tried to work strength into her tone, but even she could hear the tinge of desperation seeping through. She almost cursed when he crouched in front of her instead of leaving.
“You’re really not.” Abram’s face was devoid of emotion. Secretly, she always thought he reminded her of Spock fromStar Trek. He was so unemotional and reserved. And super smart too. Uncle Wally had loved him and told her often of the changes he let him make on the spread.
“No,” she admitted, “I’m not. Of course not. But I’m not bleeding, and I don’t need an ambulance, so… I’m fine.”
His cool eyes scanned her face intently, and Andie felt like he was trying to memorize her or something. “I’d like to share something with you. A bible story, if you don’t mind.” She tried not to roll her eyes, but she saw his lips quirk at the expression she must’ve let slip. “I’m not telling you to preach at you. It’s just a story that is very similar to yours.” She gave a reluctant nod.
“You know of David and Goliath from the Bible? Aw, yeah, everyone knows how, as a young, small boy, he killed a giant with a sling shot. Have you heard of Bathsheba? She was his great love. She was the beautiful wife of one of his most loyal soldiers. A great beauty and very smart, she knew the king often took in the night air on top of his roof to overlook his kingdom. So, one evening, Bathsheba orders her maidservant to prepare her bath atop her own roof, and there she stood, in the glow of the moonlight, naked while her maidservant bathed her, and her king watched from afar.”
As a storyteller, he had a hypnotic flare. Andie was hooked.
“So, King David summoned Bathsheba to his chambers, and they began an affair. When she became pregnant, the king ordered her husband sent to the front lines to die so he could take Bathsheba as his own wife.”
“Wow. David was an asshole. Who knew?” She was appalled. How was this guy a Bible hero?
“Precisely.” Abram nodded sagely. “Well, soon after, the infant’s life was in jeopardy.” Ice crackled as it sheeted over her insides like nuclear winter. “David fasted and prayed. He threw himself prostrate before the Lord and begged for the life of his child. But God took the infant from them regardless because of their sinful ways. But, you see—”
“What the fuck did you just say to me?” Andie had never felt such rage. Such a desire to punch someone as she did right now. How dare he say something so unbelievably callous and cruel? “Did you honestly just tell me my baby is dead, because I sinned or something? That this is God’s punishment?”
“No!” The look of shock on his face was the only thing keeping her from launching a full-body assault. “Oh, Andie. No. No. I didn’t mean to upset you. Please believe that was never my intention. I wanted only to share with you, so you could see that even kings and queens aren’t spared this type of loss. And also, after that tragedy, they went on to have more children. King Solomon among them. And he wrote the Song of Psalms! I thought to comfort you with this. Not cause you more harm and distress.” Those cool eyes stayed on her face, assessing her, taking in her emotions, and she tried to rein in her reaction. Obviously, she must be hyperemotional and acting out of proportion, because he remained as calm as an untouched lake. “Truly, the object of the story is that blessings come after the storms. After suffering comes new life. New joy.” His hand patted lightly at hers, and he pushed to his feet. “I am sorry to have upset you so. I honestly meant to bring you comfort.”
“I still don’t understand why David is considered a hero. He was a murdering asshole.” Anger and confusion still simmered under the surface. Despite his assurances to the contrary, she felt condemned by the story. It only added more layers to the mountain of guilt and self-loathing she already carried inside her.
“Yes, he was that.” Abram smiled with gentle wisdom. “David is a symbol of hope for all who sin. No matter how great our fall, how deep our betrayal, with true repentance, there is forgiveness and grace.” He gave her a slight nod and another of his cool smiles. With a tip of his head and a quiet farewell, he turned and headed for the barn.
Andie watched him leave and contemplated his story along with his idea of the meaning behind it for a few more minutes. Nope, she shook her head, just no. No way was she going to add this to her already blistering mental burden. If Abram thought she lost her child because she sinned, well that was on him and his belief system. She already struggled with enough guilt over this tragedy; last thing she needed was to try to figure out which commandment she broke bad enough that God demanded the life of her child as payment for it.
“Nope. No way.” Sadly, even as she told herself it was bullshit, fresh tears of guilt spilled down her cheeks, and she felt the poisonous dart he launched find its mark.
Two hours later—orwas it two days?—Andie was in the same spot when Sharon and Christy drove up the long dirt path and parked under the shade of the giant walnut tree. The two women emerged looking like runway models with their stylish clothes and perfectly coifed hair. They didn’t come empty-handed either, Andie noted. Christy carried a ridiculously large wicker picnic basket—obviously here to spend another lunch break with Logan—and Sharon held another casserole dish.
“Afternoon, Andie.” Christy’s voice was gentle, almost as if she feared speaking in a normal tone was too much for Andie to bare. “How are you today?”
“Oh, honey,” Sharon chided gently, “it’s far too soon to be asking that question.” Andie’s eyes snapped to meet hers. “You can’t be expecting an honest answer to that for another six months at least.” She sat her dish down on the table in front of Andie, and after looking intently into Andie’s face for a few weighted moments, she turned to Christy with a decisive click of her fancy shoes. “You go on ahead to the barn now and find your boy. I’m going to stay here with Andie today instead.”
“Oh are you sure?” Christy looked from Sharon to her and back again, clearly reluctant.
“I’m sure.” Sharon nodded. “I’m all right. Plus, she’s ready for the next part.”
“Well, okay then, honey.” Christy adjusted her basket to one hand, used the other to rub affectionately on Sharon’s arm, and then leaned forward to kiss her lightly on her plum-colored lips, taking a bit of the gloss from the plump beautiful smile as she did. The two women had become a semi-regular fixture around here lately. Jax and Christy had taken themselves off for a chat the first time they had come face-to-face here, and Andie roused herself enough to worry while they’d been gone. She remembered all too well the pain Christy inflicted on him when they’d been young, and concern for him had briefly risen above her own pain. They’d come back less than an hour later holding hands and wearing tearful smiles though, and Andie had felt relieved. Glad to see healing come for them both. Even Luke had forgiven her. Kiki teased that he’d been able to forgive and forget, because his ego had been healed by the fact that Christy was gay. The memory of that exchange brought a small smile to Andie’s lips.
“You be careful and come find us if you need me, okay?” Christy was saying.
“We’ll be just fine,” Sharon answered. “Tell Logan I said hi, and don’t forget to invite him over for Sunday.” With another sweet kiss and promises not to take too long, Christy was gone in a cloud of floral perfume and linen skirts.
When Sharon turned back to look at Andie, she had her hands on her slender hips and a determined look on her beautiful face. It made Andie itchy. Her façade was no match for the kind of scrutiny Sharon was directing at her.
“We should talk;” she began without preamble or fanfare, “and you look like you’re ready to hear what I got to say.”
“I’m really not.” Andie knew it was rude. She didn’t care. She’d already taken a blow from Abe’s little pep talk; she would probably jump off the roof if she had to endure another.
