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“Gavin,” he smiles, holding his arm out to me. “Mommy told me.”
Again with the middle of my chest. That’s the name we’d discussed if we’d been able to have a boy. I’m so confused about all this. She hid my son from me but told him about who I am, and used the name we picked out. I don’t have any idea what to do with this. He’s a toddler, how is he supposed to tell me anything? The only thing I know is he’s holding his arms out like I’m the one who’s going to save him.
I can’t get across the room fast enough, and when I do, I’m scooping him up in my arms. He wraps his around me tightly. I know nothing about this kid, but he’s looking up at me like I’m his world, and I am. He knows me, so I’m at a disadvantage. It’s not like I can ask him a ton of questions. His vocabulary is minimal at best. Doing the math backward, he can’t be more than two years old.
There are so many things I wanna find out. He yawns. “If you’re tired, you can go to sleep. I’ll be right here.”
He looks at me as if he isn’t sure whether he believes me or not, but just when I think he’s not going to, he lays down and closes his eyes. Quickly, he falls asleep, and I’m sitting here, wondering what the fuck I’m going to do.
The door opens and Cam comes in, sees that Gavin’s asleep and whispers, “Can I see you for a sec?”
Getting up, I head out to where he’s standing. “Hey.”
“I went by your apartment and grabbed some clothes for you. Figured you’ll be here at least tonight,” he says, handing me a familiar duffle.
“Thanks, I really appreciate it.”
He pulls out another bag. “There were a few bags in Delia’s car. We’ve got most of them down at the station for when you want them. I figured you might wanna see this one, though,” he hands it toward me.
“What’s in it?”
“I didn’t get a good look at all of it; didn’t think I should once I realized what it is. It’s a baby book, looks like a journal, and an iPad with the name Gavin on it.”
I grin. “That’s my son.”
“Figured it was, and given how well Trinity knew how to work those things at his age, he’ll probably want it once he realizes he’s here for the rest of the night,” Cam smiles and hands it over.
“How am I supposed to know what he likes?”
Cam laughs. “Trust me, he’ll know how to get to his favorite YouTube shows or games. He’s not going to ask you anything.”
Grabbing hold of everything he’s brought me, I head into the room where my son is asleep and have a seat in the chair situated next to his bed. I’m not sure what I want to look at first, but I know the answers to some of my questions are in these bags.
If I want those answers, all I have to do is look, only I’m scared of what I might find.
For longer than I care to admit, I sit looking at all of it, wondering how I want to go about it. When my gaze keeps going back to the baby book, I pick it up and open the first page, ready to fill in some of the blanks.
Chance,
I know you wonder why I left…
CHAPTERSEVEN
Delia
With a groan,I sit down in the chair and put my swollen ankles up. Smoothing the t-shirt over my extended belly, I smile softly. Three more weeks and he’ll be here.
Tears come to my eyes as I think about what I’m going to be doing on my own, and again comes the second-guessing. In times like these, I find it’s easiest to write in the baby book I purchased for Gavin. Sometimes I write notes to him, and others I write letters to Chance, hoping at some point I’ll be able to give them to him.
Leaning over, I grab the book and pull it up into my lap. My favorite pen is attached to the spine, ready for whenever I might get the urge to jot down a few lines. Tonight I’m feeling the weight of my decisions and what Chance may question when he finds out what I’ve done. Taking the pen out, I grip it in between my fingers and pour my heart out on the page.
Chance,
I know you wonder why I left…
Sometimes I do too, honestly. It seemed like the right thing to do at the time, but as I get closer to delivery for our little boy, I question the decision more than I should. He’s going to know you, probably better than you know yourself. I’m going to show him all the videos I have of you on my phone, all the pictures, and the appropriate text messages. I’ll tell him all about what an amazing man you are, and how you serve the community around you.
None of what I’ve done is about you.
