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I huff and turn my face into Quinn’s pillow and inhale. The scent of him is disappearing and I am distraught over it.
“I do too,” I say and then turn over and stare at the ceiling. Winter scoots over to me, placing his head on my shoulder, as if he’s giving me a hug, and I wrap my arm around him, breathing in his doggy scent.
Fuck, I need to get up and shower…and move. I cannot just lie here forever.
I mean, I could. But poor Winter doesn’t deserve that.
I let out a long exhale before I roll over and stand up. My body shakes from not eating enough the past two days, and I feel lightheaded. Stumbling into the kitchen, I pull out a box of crackers, stuffing a bunch into my mouth, swallowing as best I can. Crumbs litter my chest and fall to the floor, but I ignore them and move to the bathroom where I peel my clothes off and turn on the shower.
The water is scalding hot, but I suffer through it, washing myself quickly before brushing my teeth.
And when I feel somewhat more human, I make myself some coffee and sit down at the kitchen table to try and collect my thoughts.
I need to head home; I need to face this. I’m sure Karen will have something to say about it. I know she will. She’s already blown up my phone the past few days, but I’ve ignored her calls and her texts. I can’t deal with her right now.
When I get home, she can stop by and we can talk like adults.
And then I can figure out what I want to do about Quinn.
What the fuck do I want to do about Quinn?
I don’t know. All I know is I miss him. And I worry that he’s going to get tired of waiting and decide that I’m not worth it.
I may not be worth it.
I never have been.
* * *
I don’t go home immediately, putting off the inevitable. Instead, I cart Winter up to Copper Harbor, where I’d planned to do things like kayaking and hiking with Quinn, but I end up just sitting outside the camper drinking, feeling worse with each passing hour. I should keep going, just finish off my trip, but I can’t. I don’t want to finish this journey withouthim.
I pack up the following day and head home, that Q dangling from my keychain winking at me each time I turn a corner. The pictures on my phone that Becca took while we hiked that day are seared into the front of my mind.
This was his intent, to force me to remember. And I do. I fucking remember it all.
This trip had started out as a way for Joshua and me to reconnect, but ended up with me discovering Quinn. And now it just feels empty without anyone to share the journey with. I’m so damn tired of being alone.
After the long drive home, I tell myself I should unpack the camper, but end up leaving most of it for later. I’m unmotivated, and honestly, it can wait. I have better things to do, like sulk. I flop down on my bed and try to sleep, only to wake up early the next morning, my mind full of the things I can’t put off any longer.
I send out texts as I’m making coffee, and now that they’ve gone out, there’s nothing to do but wait. I sit and wait for the responses that may never come, at least not from the people I want to hear from the most.
My phone finally buzzes midafternoon, and I glance down, my heart thumping frantically in my chest. I wanted it to be my son or Quinn, but it’s Karen, demanding that when she stops by later, that I answer the door. As if I’ve ever ignored her in her entire life. If anyone had been cast aside in all of this, it’s been me.
But I digress.
The fact is, I’m dreading this, dreading the confrontation. But I know I can’t hide away from her forever. I know that ignoring her the past few days did more damage than good, but I just needed time to process without her voice in the back of my head.
Walking out onto the front porch, I lower myself into a chair that overlooks the street, and memories of Quinn sitting next to me on my birthday all those years ago come flooding back.
He was just a kid and yet, even then he seemed to get me like no one else ever could. Not Kevin, not Karen, not bird-man Robert.
I lean my head back and breathe deeply, Winter lying down next to me.
And that’s when I hear it, the slam of a car door, the familiarclick-clackof high heels moving toward me. I peek over at Karen, seeing her curly brown hair perfectly situated over one shoulder, her lipstick red and neatly applied.
She’s just as beautiful as she’s always been, full of fire and energy…and anger.
I wince internally, knowing what’s to come.
