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And I already feel pathetic for having feelings to begin with. I didn’t grow up being allowed to have these silly little things, so now that I’m experiencing them, I don’t know what to do.
It makes me want to run.
“I went for a walk. To clear my head,” I say and then turn away from him because looking at him hurts.
“And what did you need to think about?” he asks, and I shrug, moving to grab my stuff for the shower.
“I think it’s time for me to head home…you know, soon.”
Bennet freezes, and I can hear him breathing.
“Yeah, is that so? When do you plan on going?”
“Well, maybe I’ll head back with Carter and the guys…”
Bennet moves toward me and his hand lands on the back of my neck. “Why the sudden urgency?”
“No reason.” Oh, there are many reasons. Many, many that I’m not sure I want to discuss at the moment. Reasons that make me feel frayed and exposed.
“Come on, look at me,” he says, and I bite my lip and peek up at him under my lashes. Goddammit, why is he so fucking hot right now?
“Everything’s been fine, right?” he asks, and I shrug. Because not really. I feel like I’ve lost my mind.
“Come on, Jasper. I don’t want you to leave with the guys. I want you to stay with me.”
That makes my heart thump in my chest because I want that too. I do. I’m just so fucking scared.
“I’ve stayed for a long time already. How long do you plan on being out here in Kansas anyways?”
“I need to talk to my sisters…fuck,” he says, looking so forlorn that I can’t help but reach out and pull him into me. Me leaving is the last thing he needs, but gah, my stupid heart. It won’t survive this if I stay.
His cheek rests against the top of my head, and I sigh contentedly against him.
“You can go if you really want to. You have been here for a really long time…you’ve been a really good…friend.”
The way he says that makes my stomach clench.
“I have been,” I say, and Bennet huffs out a laugh.
“Yeah, you have. And I get it if you really need to leave. I know you have things you need to get back to…a life.”
I don’t say anything because I don’t know what to say. Fuck, I thought I needed space thirty minutes ago, but now the thought of leaving him, of waking up alone and falling asleep by myself makes me want to vomit.
I just hold on to him tighter. We stand like that for a bit, the two of us just breathing together, my eyes squeezed shut before Bennet gently pulls away.
“I don’t wanna keep you here if you really need to go. Maybe you should go back home, and I’ll stay and see what I need to do out here. And then when I get back to California, we can discuss things…”
“Oh. Okay,” I say, feeling slightly shattered, like maybe I wanted him to fight a little harder for this, for us.
“Don’t look at me like that. I really don’t want you to go, but I think maybe you should. I can’t expect you to stay out here forever…”
“Yeah.”
We just stare at each other and then I shake my head, grabbing my things and squaring my shoulders. I will not cry right now. No. I can do that when I’m alone. In the shower. Where no one can see or hear, and where I can pretend like I’m not really doing it in the first place.
The only problem is, everyone can tell when I exit the bathroom shortly after. My eyes are puffy and my nose is red.
“Were you crying?” Damon asks me, and everyone turns to look at me. I feel exposed and embarrassed.
