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28
RAVEN
I hadn’t leftOtto’s side since we’d returned to the house. The guys had jumped into action and helped him shower before giving him meds and putting him to bed. Once again proving they were familiar with his ailment and how to help him. I’d never felt more outside of a group than I did right then.
Even with the Belladonnas, I’d never felt this excluded. With them, it was a mutual protection we offered one another, keeping each other at arm’s length so it wouldn’t hurt as much if something happened. A pain we were all too familiar with. We were united in our quest as assassins, and that bond held us together. Enough that you didn’t feel like an outsider in the mansion and belonged to something bigger than yourself.
I’d honestly thought it was as close as you could feel to someone. That was, until I met my guys.
To feel on the outside now after being taken in left a gaping hole in my heart—one I wasn’t sure could heal.
The twins had been upset with me for sneaking out. So, I added it to the pile of shame I felt already, the hole in my heart growing as I questioned everything in my life. I was hemorrhaging on the inside, and I’d soon be a husk of the person I was as every ounce of life bled out of me.
I killed people and didn’t even blink an eye.
I hurt the ones around me to further my own selfish gains, not caring how my actions would affect them.
I’d been alone for so long that it was the only way I knew how to be. I never had to consider a team before, which was probably why assassins worked alone.
It was an excuse, but I would eagerly use it because I didn’t deserve to be loved, cherished, or adored. Nothing was more obvious now than that. I wasn’t wired like the others. My life would be solitary, and I’d have to accept that. This had been a nice vacation, but it was all it could be.
Assassins didn’t get happy endings.
I’d finish this job, and then I’d disappear. Though I couldn’t go back to the mansion just yet. I didn’t think I’d mentioned where it was, but I couldn’t take the chance. Phoenix would find me with the smallest breadcrumb. There was no telling what I’d let slip when I’d been love drunk. I’d need to add that to the list of things to avoid on a job—drugs, alcohol, and copious amounts of dick.
Otto stirred on the bed, and my eyes flew to him as I checked him over. Someone had called a doctor to run tests since we didn’t know how long he’d been seizing before we’d arrived. The doctor hadn’t been worried, stating there weren’t any signs of brain damage, but to keep an eye on him for the next ten hours. I’d already been sitting here for eight, and this had been the first time he’d moved. My body had become stiff long ago, but it felt justified, like I didn’t deserve to be comfortable when he was in pain.
“Hey,” he whispered, his eyes landing on my face. I searched them, looking for the hate I knew he’d feel.
I swallowed, not understanding what I saw reflected back. Licking my lips, I moved off the bed and held in my groan as my muscles yelled at me.
“I’ll grab one of the guys,” I rasped out, parched from not talking or drinking in hours.
“Wait.” Otto reached out and grabbed my arm. “I’m sorry I didn’t tell you sooner. I just didn’t want you to think of me differently… as weak.”
I shook my head. His words didn’t compute. His hand was warm on my arm and thawed the frozen layer I’d erected around myself.
“Little Bird, look at me…please.” The pleading tone killed me, but I couldn’t face him. I’d crumble and give in to comfort I didn’t deserve.
“She’s beating herself up and taking on the blame. She’s been withdrawing slowly each hour you’ve been asleep. We’ve been waiting for her to bolt,” a voice said from the darkened doorway.
My eyes snapped up; green orbs seared into me and threatened to demolish all the shame and self-hatred I’d piled on.
“Don’t,” I warned, my voice shaky as I shook my head.
The figure moved forward, and Porter came into view. However, it wasn’tmyPorter. This version was hard, his usual smile replaced with a frown. There was no laughter, no light or joy. This Porter was covered in darkness, and I hated myself even more for ruining him.
“Don’twhat, Raven? Don’t care about you? Don’t call you out on your shit when you’re being dumb? Don’t remind you that we love you? That we’re a family? Don’t stop you from sabotaging the best thing any of us has ever had. Which ‘don’t’ is it?” Dark Porter asked.
Despite the hardness of his words, there was no anger on his face, just sadness. Tears I’d been able to shove down and ignore reared their ugly head and filled my eyes. My lip trembled as his words slashed through the barrier, piercing my soul.
“Loving someone means accepting their flaws and imperfections. You’re perfect in many ways, Raven, but you do have flaws. It doesn’t make us love you any less, though,” Phoenix said, stepping into the room and standing shoulder-to-shoulder with his twin.
“Love is working on the hard things and fighting together to find a solution. Not running off to sacrifice yourself,” Porter added, his voice softening some.
“Love is never giving up,” Rueben whispered, his eyes boring into mine as he joined them, making a hot guy wall.
“Loving someone isn’t always easy, but it’s worth it, Little Bird. Are you willing to be with us for the hard stuff or only the good?” Otto asked, finishing their love monologue.
