I discard it. I look at all the sketches in front of me and it takes me a moment to realize that all of them show nothing but the self-hatred that I feel for myself.
I hate what I’ve become and I hate myself.
I just have a few more months and then I can leave this all behind. I hope that I can make it ’til then. I open the baggie with the pills I brought down with me and I take out two before swallowing them down with the alcohol.
A hand appears in front of my face and snatches the bottle away from me. I look up and see Knox standing there with a stormy expression on his face as he’s looking down at me. The asshole made me drop my bag of pills too.
“What the fuck are you doing?” he growls at me.
“What does it fucking look like I’m doing, asshole?” I slur at him.
“Where have you been?” he questions in a pissed-off tone.
“What does it matter? You know what, you can piss off while you’re at it because you’re just pissing me off,” I snap. I try to get to my feet because I don’t have the energy to deal with whatever his issue is right now.
I don’t manage to get to my feet though because I fall right back down to my ass. I feel my chest begin to hurt. My breathing starts getting a little erratic and I’m having cold sweats. Instantly, I know that something is wrong. My body is feeling worse than it was earlier.
“Can you just go away? I’m not feeling so good,” I groan out through frantic breaths.
A second later, flashlights are pointed toward me, and without thinking, I lift my left arm to cover my eyes. I see Asher, Axel, and Ezra all standing there and staring at me.
“What the fuck?” Asher gasps.
“Bro, her arm!” Ezra says in a frantic voice.
I look toward my arm and realize that the sleeve is covered in blood. I quickly bring my hand down to my lap again and bend my head so I’m not looking at anyone.
“What the fuck did you do?” I hear Knox whisper in an unrecognizable voice. He bends down and is about to grab my arm, but I quickly crawl backward and away from him.
“Wanted to kill myself like everyone wants but I’m too much of a chicken to do it. Is that what you wanted to hear?” I snap. His eyes land on a spot next to me. When I look at what he’s looking at, I see the pill bag and the alcohol lying on the ground.
“What, you’re a fucking drug addict now?” he demands angrily.
“I don’t see how that is any of your business,” I snap at him. I stand up and make it this time, but he grabs a hold of me and backs me up until my back hits the tree. He’s standing in front of me.
“Somebody check and see what the hell she was taking,” he snaps.
Asher walks over and grabs the baggie off the ground. The other two shine their phone light for him to see. I watch as he takes the pills out and inspects them.
“They’re Percocet,” Asher says. Knox’s head snaps back to me and there’s an emotion there that I can’t quite place and I don’t care to either. But it’s one I’ve never seen before.
“Why the fuck are you taking pills?” he growls in what I’m imagining is a pained voice but that’s not right. He doesn’t care, so I don’t know why he’s acting like he does now.
I shrug without answering and that seems to set him off. He grabs both my shoulders with his hands and shakes me.
“Answer me!” he demands, and I let out a dry and hollow sounding laugh.
“Why the fuck do you think I’m taking them, asshole?” I scream at him, not caring who’s around.
“Because you’re fucking stupid?” he snaps and I just lose it on him. I start hitting him in the chest, so overcome with my anger and all the hate I feel for him.
“It’s because of you, you fucking prick! I haven’t known a moment of fucking peace since I got here! You just shoved your fucking hate down my throat and guess what? Your hate is too much to bear,” I sob. “It’s like a fucking drug you kept feeding me. Why are you so surprised that I had to get real drugs to help me cope and not drown under all the pain and hurt you’ve inflicted on me?” I scream at him while I continue pounding on his chest as I fucking break down in front of them.
“We all have our vices don’t we? You’re addicted to hurting me, humiliating me, and calling me the worst names in the book. Me? I’m addicted to the things that might one day kill me. I’m addicted to you and look where it’s leading me! You can’t stop fucking me like the whore you keep calling me, and yet I’m still nothing but your dirty fucking secret, aren’t I?”