Page 108 of Hate Like Ours

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He must have felt my movement because his arm tightens around me and I close my eyes tightly and pretend I’m asleep in case he wakes up. I don’t know what I’d even say to him. Would I tell him to leave or would I beg him to stay because I love the pain he inflicts on me?

Sometimes I hate myself more when I realize I crave his brand of hurt as much as he craves hurting me, and I’m not talking about when his minions attack me. I’m talking about when we’re together. In those stolen moments, all of his defenses are down and I get to see a different side to him. It’s one I crave, but it’s also one I hate. It shows me what could’ve been if we didn’t have this hate like ours.

I won’t even deny that the feeling of being in his arms right now is one I wish I could feel on the nights when it gets to be too much for me. His warmth fills the coldness I always feel deep inside me. But there are so many unspoken things between us still that it’d be a minefield to get through.

I must have eventually fallen asleep because when I open my eyes again, the room is bright with daylight streaming through the window and it looks like we’re well into the day. I look up at the clock above the door and see that I was right. It’s after one p.m. The most obvious thing is that I’m alone right now.

I’m wondering how long Knox stayed and where he went. But then again, I’m glad for the moment to myself. What would I even say if he was still here? My room is empty and a wave of loneliness washes over me, making me feel sad again. I let out a sigh, wondering when the sadness will go away.

I hate hospitals and want to get out of here. Whenever I’m in one, it always brings up memories of the past, and I get scared and almost have panic attacks. Trying not to have one right now, I take a deep breath in and then slowly let it out, and then repeat it a few times.

I’m still doing that when the door opens and a doctor and a nurse step into my room. I sit up a bit in the bed and wait expectantly for what I know is coming.

“Miss Carrington, how are you feeling today?” he questions in a friendly voice.

“I feel fine,” I tell him.

“I’m sure you’re aware of the effects that drugs has on the body when taken in extreme doses. I’m also sure you’re aware that you shouldn’t be taking them especially given your medical history,” he says.

I just stare at him because obviously I know. But do I care? No. Otherwise, I wouldn’t have been taking them every single day for weeks.

“If you keep this up, you’re running the risk of developing heart complications as well as other complications because of the surgery you had as a child. We pumped out the pills you had in your stomach, but you’re severely dehydrated and close to being malnourished. Are you following me so far?” he asks.

“Yes. I understand. I’ll take care of it.” I sigh. I knew what I was getting myself into would have complications, but I didn’t have time to think of that. I needed the Percocet to lose the weight, and then I also needed some Adderall to use when I needed to focus. Yeah, the Percocet wasn’t the only drug I got and was taking.

I’ve sort of accomplished both. I managed to lose the weight and I’ve even managed to get some of my papers done in time even the one I lost somehow. I’m not completely caught up however, but all in all, I’d say the pills were a big help to get done what I managed to do. Why would I quit a good thing like that?

“Normally, I’d give you a mandatory transfer to rehab but Mr. Riverside said he’ll see to it. I trust that he’ll get you the help you need,” he tells me, and all I want to do is scream in his face but I keep my mouth shut.

I don’t want him keeping me here longer than necessary. I’m sure the only help that Knox Riverside will give me is making sure that I find myself in an early grave instead of getting me any kind of care.

But whatever, I don’t care. It’s not like I can stop going down this path I’m on. I’ve tried but it’s no use. I’m already way too addicted to the feeling it gives me. I don’t want to lose that because if I’m not high then I’ll just be thinking about how miserable my life has turned. I’ll just pretend I’m going to do what this quack wants me to and that will be the end of that until I get out of here.

“So am I free to go now?” I ask.

“Yes. You’re being discharged but I will be following up with your progress sometime in the next week or so,” he tells me, before he’s saying goodbye and walking out of the room.

The nurse that came in with him walks over to me and starts to unhook me from all the machines I was attached to.

“You can take a shower and get dressed while we get the necessary forms ready for your discharge,” she tells me in a friendly voice. She points to where the new clothes for me to wear are. Wow, this is definitely a fancy hospital if they give you free clothes.

“Thanks,” I tell her and then she leaves the room.

I slowly get down from the bed and walk toward the bathroom in my room. Once in there, I take off the hospital gown I was in and grab the towel before stepping into the shower. I shower quickly. I just want to get out of this place as fast as I can.

Once I’m done, I slowly begin to dry my skin. My movement is slow. My entire body hurts. I realize that I didn’t bring the clothes with me into the bathroom, so I wrap the towel around me and walk back into the room.

I pull the panties up and just as I’m about to reach for the shirt and leggings, the door to my room opens. I freeze as I look up with my arms still outstretched for the clothes to see Knox standing there, staring at me.

I can’t seem to get my limbs to work as I keep staring at him. I thought he would’ve left by now. I watch as his eyes travel down my body and his eyes widen a second later as they stop on my stomach. I can’t name the emotion that crosses his face, but his jaw clenches.

It looks like disgust is written all over his face. I quickly grab the towel and cover myself when my limbs start working again. I try to hide but I know he just saw the secret I’ve been hiding from everyone. I grab the clothes and stumble into the bathroom as tears stream down my face.

He just witnessed my ruination and how weak I’ve become…

I drop the clothes onto the floor and brace my hand against the counter with my head bent as the shame of what I’ve done takes over. A moment later, I feel the heat of his body against my back. He places his hand on my shoulders and spins me around to look at him but I avoid looking into his eyes. Tears of humiliation are pouring out of me, and once again, he’s here to witness me when I’m falling apart.

“Go away!” I snap at him but he doesn’t listen to me.